Tag Archives: Piers Morgan

Anguish for tragic Daily Mail readers as it suddenly advocates tolerance

“My brain hurts.” –  a proud DM reader

The massed ranks of the Daily Mail’s flog ’em, hang ’em and have a wank over the glories of the British Empire crowd are suffused with heartache and confusion as it continues to masquerade as a slightly less hateful rag for the second day running. Continue reading

Comments Off on Anguish for tragic Daily Mail readers as it suddenly advocates tolerance

Filed under News

Piers Morgan quits humanity after criticism

Sneery McSneerface

Piers Morgan has pulled out of existing after a campaign to remove him from the planet raised two hundred signatures, nearly as many as watch ITV’s Good Morning Britain, which he hosts.

In a statement on his Facebook page, Mr Morgan, a former newspaper editor, said he had planned to go on living “for fun” but that a campaign to have him “banned” had been launched. He said it criticised his creative credentials, which was clearly nonsense in the light of his creative description of insider share dealing and telephone hacking, Continue reading

Comments Off on Piers Morgan quits humanity after criticism

Filed under Entertainment

Nasa probe finally measures Piers Morgan’s ego

piersmorganagain

His nostrils follow you round the room

Piers Morgan’s ego has just been found to be ever so slightly bigger than previously thought, having a diameter of 2,370km.

The measurement was made by the New Horizons probe which is about to flyby the massive bell-end.

Although Nasa’s probe is programmed to measure infinitesimally small objects it may still be unable to register what Morgan knows about phone hacking, dodgy share-dealing or successfully hosting a chat show.

Comments Off on Nasa probe finally measures Piers Morgan’s ego

Filed under breaking news, Intergalactic News, science

The 50 most irritating people of 2014: Part I

Down to 41 from 20. Only half as irritating as last year.

Down to 41 from 20. Only half as irritating as last year.

It’s the final knockings of 2014 and once again, it’s time to reveal the most irritating people of the past year.  The usual rules apply; we have excluded politicians, but can’t guarantee that a certain Mr Farage won’t make the list as we’re still not sure if he qualifies as a politician. Time will tell.

Today we start our countdown with numbers 50 to 41: Continue reading

Comments Off on The 50 most irritating people of 2014: Part I

Filed under Culture, Lifestyle, Society

Arsenal celebrate start of next nine years without a trophy

20140517-233718.jpg

Players, management, and fans of Arsenal Football Club are celebrating this morning following their success at Wembley in the FA Cup final, marking the beginning of the club’s next nine years without a trophy.

The victory in the competition saw the team lift their first piece of silverware since 2005 and marks the start of a brand new era of quarter-final cup exits, fourth place in the league and the now traditional February capitulation.

Continue reading

Comments Off on Arsenal celebrate start of next nine years without a trophy

Filed under News, Sport

Millions now suffering from git fatigue says NHS

110526-ent-morgan-hmed.grid-4x2

To illustrate this story we decided to use the first famous face that would come up when we image searched ‘annoying man’.

In a stark new report on the nation’s health the NHS has revealed that millions of us are now believed to be suffering from git fatigue.

Continue reading

Comments Off on Millions now suffering from git fatigue says NHS

Filed under Health, News

30,000-year-old virus ‘comes back to life’, complains about the weather

I'm used to the cold, but this cold would get right into my bones if I had any

I’m used to the cold, but this cold would get right into my bones if I had any

An ancient virus has come back to life after lying dormant for at least 30,000 years and immediately started grumbling about the weather, rude young people, and how everything was better ‘in its day’.

Found frozen in a deep layer of Siberian permafrost the virus was thawed out by French scientists and became infectious once again, before spending fully three hours complaining about everything from the incessant rain to not being able to understand smart phones. Continue reading

Comments Off on 30,000-year-old virus ‘comes back to life’, complains about the weather

Filed under News

Ukip councillor blames gay marriage for Piers Morgan returning to the UK

Piers_Morgan

The wages of sin is this face on our televisions forever.

Piers Morgan has been axed from CNN and will undoubtedly be returning to live and work in the UK. As most Britons consider packing a case and heading for the exits one Ukip councillor has blamed this latest blow to the nation’s morale on David Cameron and the legalisation of gay marriage. Continue reading

Comments Off on Ukip councillor blames gay marriage for Piers Morgan returning to the UK

Filed under News, Politics, Showbusiness

Police host special episode of ‘Piers Morgan’s (Slightly Dodgy) Life Story’

20140214-131612.jpg

Former Daily Mirror editor Piers Morgan has been questioned in front of a live audience of detectives by police investigating phone hacking in the latest ITV programme, Piers Morgan’s (slightly dodgy) Life Story.

The episode, which sees the tables turned on the chat show host and twitter warrior, was hosted by the officers in charge of Operation Weeting with Morgan answering questions about his past. It is understood Morgan was in tears as he recalled an upsetting phone call, between an A-list celebrity and his lover.
Continue reading

Comments Off on Police host special episode of ‘Piers Morgan’s (Slightly Dodgy) Life Story’

Filed under breaking news, Entertainment, Law and Order, News

TV coup as ex-President Morsi appears on Piers Morgan’s Life Stories

Save your kisses for me!

Save your kisses for me!

The announcement last night that deposed Egyptian President, Mohamed Morsi, is to appear on Piers Morgan’s life stories was heralded as a major coup for ITV.

Seen as the biggest TV event since Piers snatched Susan Boyle from under the noses of Virgin Media, the programme promises to showcase Morgan’s true journalistic brilliance as he holds no punches by asking the questions to which the world wants answers. Continue reading

Comments Off on TV coup as ex-President Morsi appears on Piers Morgan’s Life Stories

Filed under International News, Politics, Showbusiness

Committee ‘delighted’ as Piers Morgan turns down invitation to open village fete

morgan
Faced with the perennial problem of finding a candidate to open Harold’s village summer fete, organisers decided to aim high this year and their ambitions have paid off with the refusal of none other than TV personality Piers Morgan to attend festivities.

‘This is fantastic news,’ committee chairman, Nick Stalling, told the Evening Harold at a celebration meal at the 38th Parallel, Harold’s North Korean restaurant. ‘We contacted him using that Twitter thing that you have and he replied almost immediately with the simple but thoughtfully chosen words “@EveningHarold No thanks.”
Read more…

Comments Off on Committee ‘delighted’ as Piers Morgan turns down invitation to open village fete

Filed under Around Harold, Culture, News