“I do NOT sound like that, you bipedal twat.”
Your dog is deeply offended by that ridiculous voice you do for it, and would kill you if only it was bigger.
That’s the finding of a leading scientist in the field of anthropomorphology, who made the discovery using a spaniel with brain wires.
“When your dog is looking at you, while you hold a tennis ball for a bit too long, it isn’t saying ‘throw the ball, throw the ball, throw the ball'”, said Professor Janet Fernandez.
“What it’s actually thinking is ‘you stupid bald monkey, this is lasting seven times longer for me. And if you don’t project The Orb of Joy NOW I will happily bite you’.”
Filed under Culture, Pets
Cat or bagpipe? Experts can tell just by blowing into it.
Council health officials have confirmed that a suspected cat with TB was actually just a feral set of bagpipes.
Residents had complained about a wretched animal with rasping, asthmatic breath which had left many unable to sleep. “It went right through you, I felt so sorry for the little fella”, said local Pippa Delaney. “But at the same time, I sort of wanted to kill it.”
Come on out with your paws up
Tiddles the cat, described in court as a ‘notorious mouse molester’ was found guilty yesterday of harassment likely to lead to the grievous bodily harm of a fellow animal.
The trial was conducted without the appearance of the unamed victim, who is believed to be holed up, having gone into hiding, but legal representatives entered a guilty plea on behalf of Tiddles, 6, due to the overwhelming evidence against the feline felon.
A L M O S T A N A D V E R T I S I N G F E A T U R E
Cool for cats
Has your moggy become bit of a doggy? Well, you can improve her image by buying her something from Cajazzle, the luxury jewellery range that is guaranteed to take the bag out of your cat.
If you’ve ever thought that your pussy should be better dressed when going out in the evening then Cajazzle has just the thing for you and your feline. Devised by former Bond girl and cat lover, Emilie Bourdain, there is something for all varieties from ginger to tortoiseshell. Continue reading
Filed under Lifestyle, News