His nostrils follow you round the room
Piers Morgan’s ego has just been found to be ever so slightly bigger than previously thought, having a diameter of 2,370km.
The measurement was made by the New Horizons probe which is about to flyby the massive bell-end.
Although Nasa’s probe is programmed to measure infinitesimally small objects it may still be unable to register what Morgan knows about phone hacking, dodgy share-dealing or successfully hosting a chat show.
‘I’ll be back in an hour. I haven’t got the parts on my van.’
A team of contract managers at NASA are working ’round the clock’ to build a tender process for urgent repairs to the International Space Station.
With a critical pump that controls the cooling system failing outside of warranty, finding a contractor that offers value for money has become the agency’s number one priority.
Astronauts on the ISS had hoped to make repairs themselves, but were warned such a move would be considered ‘anti-competitive’.
China may one day put a pyrotechnician on the moon.
A row has broken out between the US and China over a Christmas Day Special Event which was meant to be a surprise for everyone on Earth at Christmas.
The diplomatic row comes after NASA spotted China’s lunar robot placing Roman Candles around the edges of craters on the moon’s surface. China has complained that NASA just wanted to spoil the surprise because they didn’t think of it.
“The US hasn’t bothered with the moon for many moons,” said Yun-Tsi Tao, head of the Chinese Space Agency. “Now, all of a sudden, just because we put a robot up there, they’re all goggle-eyed and spoiling the surprise of the Supreme Leader’s gift to the rest of humankind at Christmas, a firework display on the waning gibbous.”
There were fears that the row could escalate after NASA observed the robot flatten the US flag placed on the moon by Neil Armstrong in 1969. But the situation was defused when the robot carefully put the flag upright again, apparently of its own volition. “We thought it had a moral conscience for a minute,” said NASA, “but, no. It nailed a Catherine Wheel on the flagpole.”
NASA has said it had no idea the fireworks were meant to be a surprise, claiming that most people could see what was going on up there with the naked eye. “I mean, I was looking through a pair of home-made binoculars that my 7-year-old made from a plastic kit,” said NASA spokesman Flt Lt Denver Colorado, “and I had no trouble reading the name of the factory printed on the fireworks. Boy, they’re big rockets!”
All kinds of weird shit going on.
The world of science was left in confusion today after NASA picked up images of particles from the remains of Edwin Hubble.
“What’s really weird” said NASA operative Dr Lucille What “is that the images were beamed back to earth by the deep space imaging device of the same name, the Hubble Telescope. What we witnessed was nothing short of a family reunion.”
Edwin Hubble died more than 60 years ago. He had undoubted success with his science work, discovering that there’s a lot more space outside our own Milky Way and that the universe is expanding, but will always be remembered primarily for the role he played in bringing Chicago University basketball team their first silverware. His basketball skills were put down to his extraordinary ability to zoom in on the target net, seeing it, as he often said, ‘in at least three dimensions’.
Plenty of space inside Cox’s head.
A team of micro-scientists working inside Professor Brian Cox’s brain say they have found the source of the universe in a small cluster of his brain cells. “The universe we are all familiar with in everyday life is nothing more than a holographic projection from within this man’s imagination,” said Professor Kevin Heidelberg out of Cox’s left ear.
The announcement in such a tiny voice from within Cox’s cochlea would surely have passed unheard had it not been for dentist Dr Richard Burlington, whose own ear ‘was in the right place at the right time’ as he polished Cox’s teeth to perfection. It was a moment in time for the doctor.
“I was plunged into an existential vortex,” Dr Burlington admitted, “questions racing through my mind about the very essence of life and the universe and whether Professor Cox was himself perhaps just a character in one of Dara O’Briain’s dreams. But I pulled myself together, tapped him on the knee and said ‘There, all done now’.”
The discovery that everything is a figment of Cox’s imagination has left a lot of people feeling slightly numb, with a sense of uncertainty as to whether they’re really here or not and whether there’s any point in anything anymore. Worried Harold pensioner Doris Kettle said she felt ‘funny in the head.’ “I’ve been ringing the NHS helpline all day,” she told the Evening Harold, “but all you ever get is an answering machine. Hello?”
The Indian Space Agency is particularly angry at the timing of the discovery and the Pope has spent the day pinching himself. The UK Government has stepped in with a summons for Professor Cox to appear before a select committee and explain himself, a move which the opposition described as ‘lacking imagination and probably futile’.
Meanwhile, the Department of Work & Pensions has called for ‘calm and commonsense’. “The best advice,” said Vince Cable, “is for everyone to relax, take a deep breath and get back to what you’re supposed to be – ” but he was cut short as he spontaneously disappeared in a puff of smoke.
Our favourite NASA chap: Bobak Ferdowsi. He’s a mission control leader, an expert in jet propulsion and he looks like that. We want his life.
‘We put a monkey in space, a man on the moon and a robot on Mars,’ said NASA boss Charles Bolden, ‘so why, I asked myself at breakfast this morning, can I not open this pack of fry ham?’
While he pulled and twisted the little tab on the corner of the packet and even tried to separate the plastic film from the tab itself with his fingernails, his hash browns had caramelised in the pan to such an extent that a layer of Teflon switched allegiance to form a new chemical compound. Ultimately, Bolden was left with no option but to stab at the bacon packaging frantically with the kitchen scissors in a convincing re-enactment of the shower curtain scene from Psycho. ‘That’s when it struck me,’ he continued, ‘maybe it is rocket science after all.’ Continue reading