Now then young man you see oh fuck it I’m a disgusting paedophile
An independent report into the infamous Child Catcher has concluded that there was no possible way that anyone could have realised that a man with a huge net and bag of sweeties was trying to catch children.
Following years of complaints that local children had been caught and disposed of, the Vulgarian Television Corporation finally announced an inquiry into the seedy doings of one of the country’s most-loved blatant nonces.
“We were as amazed as anyone that this leering, salivating figure with the huge child-shaped net and the dildo cigar could be in any way a danger to children,” explained Rona Bomburst, the Chairperson of the Vulgarian Television Trust.
“Despite the fact that the Kingdom of Vulgaria has been mysteriously bereft of children for at least fifty years, it never occurred to us that anything was a problem.”
The Vulgarian Television Corporation has pledged to establish a robust series of checks to prevent this sort of thing from ever happening again, and to prove its seriousness has appointed a new audit function headed up by none other than celebrated popular artist Rolf Harris.
“Can you tell what it is yet?” Asked a spokesman. “It’s a fucking whitewash, that’s what it is.”
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Gary Glitter in his heyday enjoying a joke with political rival Margaret Thatcher
The Labour party has apologised for “getting it wrong” after revelations that the party was led for much of the 1970s by notorious paedophile Gary Glitter.
A spokesman admitted Labour was “naive” over its links with Glitter, but insisted that paedophilia was now almost totally eradicated from the party, and had only ever been a “minority interest”.
After losing the 1970 general election, Labour famously decided to widen its appeal by seeking new members from the entertainment industry, and figures such as Glitter quickly rose to positions of importance. The present-day party’s insistence that child molestation was not widespread is perhaps questionable, given the presence in the shadow cabinet of Jimmy Savile, Stuart Hall, and the “Child Catcher” out of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Continue reading
The future Duke & Duchess?
Although he is the bookies’ favourite for a top honour, David Beckham has revealed that he may reject a knighthood if it was offered to him on the grounds that his pouty wife, Victoria, feels that the “Lady” title has been devalued after being conferred upon Lady Gaga.
Speaking at the launch of ‘The Class of ‘92’, a film in which some stupidly rich footballers return to school to learn basic mathematics to enable them to count their vast millions, the best footballer ever admitted that his iconic designer wife had misgivings about becoming just plain Lady Beckham. Continue reading
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