“Come on, who’s to blame?”
Moral vacuum in an expensive suit marred by a condescending, inappropriate NHS lapel badge, Jeremy Hunt, will launch an enquiry into the crisis afflicting hospitals up and down the country.
Speaking exclusively to the BBC, Mr Hunt first winked then, as the cameras started filming, he sobbed “I can’t help thinking that someone must be responsible for this utter shambles.”
Holding a sliced onion just off-camera, MrHunt wiped tears from his cheeks and sniffled “You know, an individual, an actual person, probably a Junior Doctor or whoever was the last Labour Health Secretary, Continue reading
‘Do we actually need an NHS?’ the whole Cabinet replied ‘No’
Marmalade entrepreneur, Jeremy Hunt has welcomed record NHS figures released this week and was in expansive mood when interviewed by the Evening Harold.
“It would be wrong to make political capital out of this” smiled the multi-millionaire, polishing his NHS lapel badge, “but these figures vindicate the Conservative approach to the NHS.”
“You know, I was in the room when the policy was agreed,” he said. “The PM wrote on the whiteboard ‘Do we really need an NHS?’ and the whole Cabinet replied ‘No, we all Continue reading
NHS trusts in the UK have teamed up with U.S. based Disneyworld consultants to help manage increasing pressures on hospital queue targets.
Heading up the Disney team is Roy Peterson Jr, whose overarching strategy is clear: ”Who on earth would want to reduce queues? That’s where your quaint little doctors and nurses game has gone wrong – it’s all about optimising the size of the queue and then keeping people distracted whilst they are waiting – easy”. He went on “And FREE at the point of service? that stinks, we’ll be introducing a new smart wristband in the Autumn, one easy fee for up to 3 extra treatments per month”. Continue reading
London’s last community-based A&E-style service for people needing emergency dental treatment has closed because fuck you, Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has confirmed.
NHS England’s closure of the “urgent dental service” in Kentish Town will leave the capital’s 8.7 million residents with nowhere to go in an emergency apart from A&Es who do not have dentists, and GPs who are not dentists.
“If you’re poor, you’re a bit fucked, yes,” confirmed Hunt this morning. “The message we’re really trying to get over is ‘fuck you’ if you can’t afford to go private.”
A Conservative party spokesman pointed out that there remained several options for poor families facing urgent dental problems.
“If it’s a broken tooth or something, best get it out quick,” he explained. “In our case studies of actual poor people, we’ve found that tying a bit of string to the bad tooth and the other end to a door handle before vigorously slamming the door is an effective and economic way method of extraction.”
“It works easily one time in three, more if the patient is tied to a bed.”
Filed under Health, idiots
Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has unveiled a radical plan to solve the nation’s hospital bed crisis at a stroke – by making new beds out of piles of the recently deceased.
With most hospitals now facing mile-long queues of critically ill citizens lying in the rain, the time has come to address the chronic bed shortage once and for all. And Hunt, never a stranger to controversy, is convinced he has hit on the solution – “corpse bedding”.
“I was on holiday somewhere nice when it hit me,” Hunt explained to journalists. “Just look at it – what are we short of? Beds. What do we have lots of? Dead bodies!”
“Due to my cold-hearted policies, thousands are dying before they can get urgent treatment. Let’s turn that frown upside down and make it into an opportunity!”
Hunt explained that tests done on a bunch of dead pensioners in Birmingham showed that a pile of six or seven was usually sufficient to make a bed of suitable height. A simple wooden plank on top, and you have a bed that’s already much better than being left dying in a gutter.
“We thought we’d have some trouble with the odd fat one making the piles too big,” he admitted, “But for some reason these dead pensioners tend to be of a standard, very very thin, size. It certainly makes our job easier!”
“All in all,” Hunt confirmed, “The corpse bed thing’s an absolute no-brainer. And I should know.”
“Because I have no brain, you see.”
Filed under Health, Politics
Don’t blame me, I’m not in charge of Jack shit
The BMA has unexpectedly agreed to GP surgeries opening 84 hours a week – just as soon as MPs do the same.
“We were against it, when the PM first raised the idea.” said a BMA spokeswoman “But then we thought, sod it, if the MPs can open theirs 12 hours a day, 7 days a week, we’d go for it too. We were straight on the phone to Jeremy Hunt to let him know.”
“I say Jeremy Hunt; we heard he’d gone home for the weekend, so we left a message for him at the DoH. I say message; they were shut, so we left a voicemail. We haven’t heard back but Continue reading
Filed under Health, Politics
He’s the academic Hunt, rather than the demonic Hunt
A nation’s joy vanished today, as it emerged that it was Labour’s Tristram Hunt who had quit Westminster, not his namesake, the scourge of the NHS, Jeremy.
Up and down the country, shoppers and shopkeepers alike were wreathed in smiles and total strangers greeted one another like long-lost friends, then the gloom descended like a blanket.
“Do you remember watching Felipe Massa’s dad when he thought his son had won the title in 2008, but then found it had gone to Lewis Hamilton?” asked one villager in Harold today. “It was like that, only Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
Little wooden puppet in hell’s own version of Pinocchio, Jeremy Hunt, has today announced that the newly named Bank of NHS will be bailed out to the tune of £850 billion effective immediately. Continue reading
The last winter was just 12 months ago, who knew there’d be another so soon?
Jeremy Hunt says the current NHS crisis is due to a freak meteorological event, known to scientists as ‘winter’.
The hapless health secretary, floundered around various TV studios yesterday, so that journalists and Piers Morgan could take turns to twat him with facts.
“I, err, don’t want to blind you with science” stammered Mr Hunt “but, ahem … ‘Winter is caused by the axis of the Earth in that hemisphere being oriented away from the Sun ’. Continue reading
“Just a few cold snaps and they’ll be dropping like flies. Fingers crossed.”
Jeremy Hunt admits the mild winter has played havoc with his planned
“We can usually count on a couple of cold snaps by early January, and for the past few years, the Iain Duncan Smith effect,” said the failed marmalade salesman “which clears a lot of the deadwood out of the system. Plus, it frees up housing stock, most of it quite shabby. Which is good for Wickes, B&Q and DIY SOS.”
“Anyway, it’s what I like to call win-win. Like winning a general election, followed by Jeremy Corbyn winning the Labour leadership election. Which seems to be how I manage to get away with this. I still have to pinch myself from time to time, but it’s true. Amazing isn’t it?”
Now we’re going to play with this Emperor’s new ball here
“There’s no sleight of hand involved,” insisted the walking definition of ‘it’s who you know’ this morning. “But there is Derren’s trademark blend of magic, misdirection, psychology and showmanship.”
“Using it I’ve already convinced myself that I’m doing a brilliant job and that as a failed marmalade exporter I definitely know more about medicine than so-called experts. Sorry? No, nothing at all about marmalade, Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
“I’ll find out who’s responsible. Someone must be in charge.”
Jeremy Hunt has misunderstood the Junior Doctors yet again, calling on them to provide a full 7-day strike later this month.
“NHS patients deserve to have their operations cancelled, whatever day they’re booked for.” said the hapless minister, who assured the public that he’s on track to achieve that by the end of 2016.
“I’ve never been one to shy away from responsibility” said the failed marmalade salesman Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
Look, there it is in the dictionary, just after neglect of duty.
Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has apologised for his poor grasp of the English language after being advised that ‘negotiate’ does not mean ‘annihilate’.
“I was under the impression that to negotiate meant ‘to crush your opponent’,” he said, “but now they’re telling me it means something more like ‘compromise’. I’ll have to look that one up. It’s another new word to add to my vocabulary.”
Hunt: “I’ve been listening” Junior Doctors: “The voices in your own head don’t count!”
Jeremy Hunt says his decision to impose a new junior doctors’ contract was primarily intended to make a difference to NHS industrial relations.
“When I took over from Andrew Lansley, some people in the NHS, who really should have known better, told me that staff morale couldn’t get any lower. But since then, I’ve gone that extra mile – Monday to Friday, school term times only – and proved those naysayers wrong.” Continue reading
This much clue
Health Secretary Jeremy “Rash” Hunt, who told parents to have a look on Google to check their children’s meningitis symptoms, has helpfully pointed out that the search engine will also provide links to a wide range of undertakers once his initial advice has been followed.
Admitting that paying for fewer doctors had unexpectedly resulted in fewer doctors to do the diagnosy stuff, Hunt drew on his years of medical experience to say: “look at photographs and say ‘my child’s rash looks like this one’.”
It was pointed out that the same parents would soon be likely to be looking at photographs of dead meningitis victims and saying: “My child’s corpse also looks like this one”, but Hunt was undeterred.
The official NHS Choices website inconveniently states that with skin rashes in children “You should always see a GP for a proper diagnosis”, but this cuts little ice with the great Hunt.
“Should the inevitable unfortunately occur,” he explained, “parents are likely to still have their browser open on Google, so checking for a local undertaker who stocks smaller size coffins should take but a moment.”
A spokesperson for the National Association of Funeral Directors said they were “very grateful, if a little freaked out” by Hunt’s statements.
Wiping spittle from his chin he shouted “That way madness lies.”
In an unexpected twist to the Junior Doctors’ dispute, Jeremy Hunt has balloted himself and after a 100% vote in favour of industrial action, promptly walked out on a 24 hour strike.
Standing by a brazier in Whitehall, the Health Secretary remained in the mood characteristic of his approach throughout. “Right, let’s see how they like it; those bastards will come crawling back Continue reading
“Nothing up my sleeves. Nothing between my ears”
TV viewers were shocked yesterday as they watched Jeremy Hunt, acting under the influence of illusionist Derren Brown, pushed a large proportion of Junior Doctors over the edge into strike action.
“It was awful.” said Elsie Duggan, a resident at Over-the-Hill Nursing Home in Harold. “Watching the build up, it was obvious what was going to happen. Hunt looked completely crazed, although to be fair that’s his normal look. Continue reading
“See this? That’s more than the public will benefit.”
Jeremy Hunt is delighted with the success of the Lewisham and Greenwich NHS Choir’s single, but says all the profits must go to the NHS, as the song was performed in NHS uniforms and filmed on NHS premises.
“But vulnerable individuals will still benefit.” assured the Health Secretary “After we take a 55% administration fee, the balance will be spent on staff redundancy payments.”
It’s ‘Cunt’ with a ‘C’ not an ‘H’
Jeremy Cunt, the Secretary of State for Health, says he is sick and tired of immature prudes pretending his last name is ‘Hunt’.
“My last name is ‘Cunt’ and I have always been a ‘Cunt’” said Jeremy Cunt. “To call me ‘Hunt’ is disrespectful to me and it’s disrespectful to my parents Mike and Lyke.”
Mr Cunt said it was the 21st century and just because ‘cunt’ was slang for a vagina and also a strong term of abuse were no reasons for people to shy away from calling him ‘Cunt’.
Hunt tries to demonstrate how much blame attaches to him, personally
Popular Health Secretary, Jeremy Hunt is furious, after learning that his hospitals are £930m in the red in the first three months of the financial year.
“More than the whole of last year! Who the f*ck created this cock-up?” Continue reading