Would things really be much worse if he was in charge?
Fans of the tits ‘n’ dragons spectacular, Game of Thrones, are claiming that the episode leaked online is a hoax and that naughty hackers have put up a documentary on Britain instead.
“I’m very disappointed,” said local fan, Meya Begum. “It’s just crappy weather and miserable peasants being taken advantage of by a privileged few who couldn’t find their arses with a map. I was hoping to see The Wall but I’m sure I saw a branch of Greggs instead.”
“All you get to see is people being manipulated into ruining their lives because of a shiny slogan written on the side of a bus, I mean banner,” she said. “The only thing that makes me wonder if it’s fantasy after all is that in this all the poor people are thin.”
What could go wrong?
Ted Cruz and John Kasich have announced that they wish to cease hostilities with Donald Trump immediately, and as a token of goodwill have invited him to a wedding at the castle of Walder Frey.
This gesture is especially symbolic as Frey is known to be entirely neutral, above board and not at all given to evil murderous plots.
“We’re very excited about Trump coming here to celebrate with us,” announced Cruz this morning. “We hope to see him very soon – all his supporters can come and get extremely drunk safe in the knowledge that nothing bad will happen.”
“I’ll be wearing my best chain mail suit to mark the occasion.”
Trump seems to be intent on ignoring advice that attending the wedding might be a risky move, saying: “Hey, I know politics is a pretty cut-throat business, but I’m sure I can keep my head.”
“Now, that wall they’ve got up in the north – that gives me an idea…”
Like all State occasions this one has been relentlessly rehearsed with Her Maj’s Scottish home, Castle Black, standing in for Buck House
As republican and reminder of a lovely teacher you had at school, Jeremy Corbyn, continues to weigh up the pros and cons of bowing to the Queen when he is made a privy counsellor, Her Majesty has entered the debate by saying that he will “burn if he doesn’t bend the knee.”
The Queen is set to have Corbyn executed on the grounds that she’ll do whatever it takes to “get some respect.” She went on to add that “dear Cousin Stannis had the right idea.” Continue reading
At least this one’s a smiler, which is nice.
Following on from the release of figures showing how many people have died since being declared fit for work and the news that the UN is to investigate his welfare reforms, Iain Duncan Smith is set to resign in a matter of days and be replaced by Ramsay Bolton.
“Ramsay will be a worthy successor,” Duncan Smith said. “We have much in common as military men who share a similar outlook. Of course he’s got where he is today thanks to his incredibly wealthy landowning father whereas I’m completely different as I’d be nothing without my incredibly wealthy landowning father-in-law.” Continue reading
Sean Bean spotted in Waitrose wearing his head
Game of Trolleys.
Game of Thrones fans have once again had their hopes raised that Ned Stark might return, and that the script writers have found a way to put his head back on.
With filming of Season Six already under way, a sharp-eyed member of the public spotted Sean Bean, at his pre-execution height.
Could you just spoon with us and tell us that everything’s going to be all right?
As current events seem to more and more resemble the nastier bits of a Brueghel painting, the entire world has decided to give up, stick its head in the sand, and simply concentrate on Kit Harington’s hair from now on.
The actor’s tremendous locks are generating an increasing amount of headlines as everyone clings to news of its length and whereabouts as the only thing they can understand in these dark and confusing times. Continue reading
R R Martin is sitting on a cushion.
Actor Peter Dinklage has spoken out about internet rumours that he’s actually a 4ft 5in dwarf.
Dinklage, 6ft 3, plays Tyrion Lannister in popular fantasy series ‘Game of Thrones’, and thinks that’s how the misunderstanding started.
“I suppose I should be flattered really”, said the Emmy-winning star. “Some of my fans just can’t believe it when they meet me.” That so many of his followers are convinced he’s tiny in real-life too is a testament to his incredible acting ability.
Fans have accessed a copy of Game of Thrones Season 5, days before it screens on Sky Atlantic.
The opening episode has been viewed by hundreds of fans, none of who paid a penny for the privilege.
“This is a serious matter”, said Harold’s PC Flegg. “There’s some evidence that this is the work of the criminal underground: the leak seems to have eminated from the UK’s oldest prison.”
Flegg explained that a torrent of fans had rushed to see the much-anticipated episode, by sneaking along a red carpet.
“Nothing would stop them, although some did pause for photos and autographs”, said Harold’s cybercrime specialist. “Then they shamelessly stole the entire programme using their eyes to stare at a screen outside the Tower of London.”
Let’s see, “Chapter One”
Game of Thrones author George R R Martin announced today that the long-awaited next novel in the series will be available much earlier than anticipated, as he is going to write the whole thing during National Novel Writing Month this November.
This marks something of a change in writing style for Martin, given that he usually takes up to ten years to complete a novel.
When asked to explain his reasons for upping the pace so dramatically, Martin confessed that after several years of pretending, he has still not actually written a word of the next book, and sees ‘NaNoWriMo’ as his last chance.
“I can’t cope with all the lies anymore,” he confessed. “I’ve been doing all these interviews saying how well it’s going and let me finish at my own pace – haven’t written a bloody word. This novel writing month gives me a chance to catch up. Big month, bang it out, bish bash bosh.” Continue reading
Still a better leader than David Cameron
As the referendum gets closer a new poll has revealed a surprise swing in voter intention. A poll carried out for the Evening Harold by ICM shows that 67% of Scots are intending to vote for independence from England but would welcome joining Westeros as Eighth Kingdom.
“Scotland is small,” said one voter who was polled. “Once independent we will need allies and trade. It would also be nice to wear cloaks in the winter and not be laughed at.”
The naked version of Henry VIII always rose to the occasion.
Historian Dan Cruickshank has denied ‘dumbing down’ in his new series, ‘A Nuddy History of Britain’.
“If we’ve learned anything from Game of Thrones it’s that people remember the naked bits”, he frothed. “The naked bits, and the violent and bloody deaths.”
Cruickshank hastily re-edited a pilot show for his new project, which explored complex family trees, socio-economics and the inherent political injustice of the day. Instead, the show now features writhing, sweating bodies, several gallons of baby oil and rubber masks that look a bit like famous royals.
Filed under Art, Culture, Royals
Some days it’s not worth chewing through the straps.
An asylum seeker in Harold is demanding the right to be as moody and shambolic as the rest of the village. Ceaserina Okereke is seeking to put an end to stereotypes and have other Haroldites recognise that she is a confused mess who vaguely wonders what the purpose of it all is just like everyone else.
“People comment on how I’m always bright and happy as if that’s some trait every African woman has. Or if I’m feeling down and the kids are playing up then I’m a stern disciplinarian who is culturally unable to nurture and indulge her children. There is more to my thoughts and feelings than where I’m from or the colour of my skin.” Continue reading