A gang, known simply as The Government, is planning an audacious fracking heist, it emerged today.
The gang were heard briefly discussing the matter in Westminster but when challenged to a debate, they ran away laughing.
Friends of the gang will tunnel into shale gas reserves, hidden under areas of outstanding natural beauty, then make off with wheely bins full of cash.
Fracking is a complex process where the ruling party uses high-pressure economic strategies to squeeze every last penny out of the country and into their friends’ pockets.
A gang member, Dave, sought to put things in perspective. “Critics claim that this process often causes collapse of society. But, as we know, there is no such thing as society. Anyway, it will make my rich friends even more rich. I do hope that clears up any misunderstanding.”
The Goverment won’t take part in the raid itself, although individual members are expected to receive a cut of the loot later, in the form of lucrative company directorships and consultancies.
Yeah, it looks okay but is there a Nandos?
The massive expansion in fracking in the UK has had a dramatic effect on the property market. Within minutes of the government announcing that fracking will be allowed to take place anywhere their chums wish to frack the rest of the population began moving to Chipping Norton. Continue reading
Laid-back protesters campaigning for energy conservation.
Harold’s Dr Evans has been selected to help trial a new combined health and domestic fuel supply initiative for people suffering from conditions such as obesity and laziness, based on the same technology used in fracking for shale gas.
“Government scientists think there could a lot of re-useable trapped energy in the bodies of people who don’t get enough exercise,” said Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt, “especially the ones who are out of work and claiming benefits. Fracking fat, lazy people for the wasted energy they have selfishly trapped inside themselves is one way of helping them to give something back to society.”
Green or Brown?
The farmer whose field has been occupied by anti fracking eco warriors has hit out at way the protesters treated his land.
Although the protesters have been very careful to organise regular recycling collections for refuse, they have refused to use port-a-loos due to the perceived pollution risks from the toilets’ chemical cleaning agents, preferring to use ‘more natural’ disposal methods.
“It all very well that MP wiping her arse with a dock leaf in the interests of communing with nature, but the end product still has to be cleared from the hedge,” said Harold farmer, Lionel Garage. Continue reading
Up from the depths, 30 storeys high: Cuadrilla. Cuadrilla. Cuadrilla!
A sharp increase in the number of attacks by an angry, giant moth is being blamed on fracking by locals.
‘Mothra’, a devine kaiju or ‘strange creature’ that normally protects mankind from monsters such as the tyranosaur-like Cuadrilla, was discovered under a field outside Harold last Thursday. Wrenched from the ground in larvae form during a tentative light frack, Mothra was discarded by Cuadrilla after she proved too hard to set fire to.
“My theory is that this creature had been resting just below my potatoes”, explained farmer Evans. “She was probably all content and that, because the bees have come back. But when Cuadrilla drilled through her hidey-hole, she really got the hump. That’s when she went off on one and started beaming stuff with her face.”