Balls will now concentrate on trying to learn from history.
Ed Balls has given the Labour election campaign a powerful boost, after announcing he has finally passed GCSE maths.
The shadow chancellor has resat the tough exam 32 times, “which is an even number”, the newly-confident maths-whizz revealed.
But it was 30-ish times lucky for Balls, who finally has a ‘strong pass’ in one of the key qualifications any economist would strive for.
“We’ve put it on the fridge, so visiting dignitaries can see it”, said Balls. “Alex Salmond was so impressed, he gave me two pounds to spend on sweets. Just think, I could buy a penny chew every day for a year.”
“Oh bollocks. What do I say now?”
Hollande has experienced growth in certain areas.
Our reporter is at a press conference with the French President Francois Hollande. The President has stated he will not be drawn on the private matter of his alleged affair with a young actress:
Press: ‘Monsieur Hollande, your 75% higher tax rate looks set to reduce overall tax receipts, as the wealthy move their business interests to other European countries. Is political dogma more important than balancing the books?’
Hollande: ‘Please, please. It is too early to say qui will move in with qui, ou ‘ow much we might save dans les heating bills. That is a private matter between moi et un attractive actress 15 years plus younger than me. I want to focus dans le economy, not le exquisite firmness of her young, heaving bosom.’
Press: ‘The country’s credit rating was recently reduced for a second time. What are your plans to improve the cost of borrowing?
Promised £2, delivered 2p. Typical
Department store John Lewis has made contact with the parents of a forty two-year-old man who had written a letter of apology after he broke the UK economy.
The man, who signed his name simply as George, inexplicably sent the letter to the John Lewis store in Cambridge after he accidentally broke the economy while serving as Chancellor of the Exchequer. Continue reading
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Now available in a new flavour that will leave a slightly bitter taste in the mouth
Ahead of the spending review announcement in Parliament on Wednesday, details have leaked about the latest plan to get the UK’s economy on track. As well as £11.5bn of additional cuts, George Osborne intends to nationalise the cinema popcorn trade.
“The NHS, MOD and all other government owned acronyms only ever take money from the treasury without giving anything back” the draft of the Chancellor’s statement says.
“Looking into the cinema popcorn trade shows it has a mark-up of nearly 1400%. At it’s retail price, gram-for-gram it has more value than the country’s gold reserves.”
Mayor hopes car will support ‘up to six hookers’
Local Mayor Rufus D Jackson has reacted swiftly to criticisms of his austerity programme, by buying an ‘absolutely enormous’ car.
With budgets for the local library, citizen’s advice bureau and most bin collections cut by up to 100%, some villagers had started to question how this would lead to more growth.
But while Jackson admitted that the tactic was causing hardship for the sort of people he didn’t care for, he insisted that owning a massive car would help cheer up those that mattered the most.
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