Byrne after reading.
Liam Byrne has spoken of his remorse at the ‘sorry, there’s no money left’ note, which he left behind for Chancellor George Osborne.
In hindsight, Byrne admitted it was a crass thing to do, and vowed that in future, he would just leave clingfilm on the toilet.
“It wasn’t a very good joke, but no-one mentions the cress seeds I left in his carpet”, said Byrne. “That was a much better wheeze.”
“Or the 58 subscriptions to Readers Digest, or the 3 aircraft carriers with no aircraft to go on them”, he rued. “Classic.”
Balls will now concentrate on trying to learn from history.
Ed Balls has given the Labour election campaign a powerful boost, after announcing he has finally passed GCSE maths.
The shadow chancellor has resat the tough exam 32 times, “which is an even number”, the newly-confident maths-whizz revealed.
But it was 30-ish times lucky for Balls, who finally has a ‘strong pass’ in one of the key qualifications any economist would strive for.
“We’ve put it on the fridge, so visiting dignitaries can see it”, said Balls. “Alex Salmond was so impressed, he gave me two pounds to spend on sweets. Just think, I could buy a penny chew every day for a year.”
Mwahaha, Mwahahahahaha. Ahahaha.
George Osborne has pledged to eradicate all money problems for poor people after the next election by doing away with all money for poor people. Continue reading
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George Osborne’s latest plans to woo back Tory voters with the abolition of the ‘death tax’ looks set to backfire as it comes too late for many of the delegates attending the party’s conference.
With an average age of 146, the vast majority of delegates have been deceased longer than the Chancellor has been alive.
George Osborne has tackled Labour’s ‘cost of living’ argument straight on today but refusing to limit bankers’ bonuses, allowing them to continue to live to a standard they have become accustomed.
“I am not as out of touch as Labour would have you believe,” Osborne told a press conference.
“I am well aware that rising energy prices are making it difficult for people to heat their homes, especially when those homes include an eight-bedroom country manor and a Central London apartment.
“With fuel prices rising, we don’t want ordinary, hard-working people giving up their jobs because they simply cannot afford to get to work, and aviation fuel is almost as expensive per litre than some of the finest champagnes.”
The chancellor has been criticised for not capping the bonuses. Critics claim a million pound salary should be enough without another million pound on top.
But Osborne insists any cost of living crisis could be solved by letting bankers be rewarded for gambling.
“The larger the bonus given to my friends, the more I have to defend it,” Osborne continued, “and that should create enough hot air to heat the whole country.”