Is this her O face?
1. Is frequently found in Windsor Castle corridors drunk and yelling “Fuck Magna Carta, I want a real go.”
2. Is the only monarch in the 20th century to have beaten a pope at Hungry Hippos (Pope Paul VI 1972).
3. Has completed all Panini football sticker books since 1976 apart from 1982 when Charles refused to swap a Kenny Dalglish with her.
4. Was involved in a hot threesome with Elton John and David Furnish, although the newspapers are still not allowed to report on the matter.
5. Is the undefeated champion of Trivial Pursuit in the Crowned Heads of Europe League, and seven times winner in the World Monarch Championships.<!–more–>
6. Was the original choice to front the eponymous rock band, before being pipped at the post by Freddie Mercury following a tense Queen-off.
7. When playing chess, does not allow her opponent to use a Queen. As such she is undefeated.
8. Had breast augmentation for when she used to pole dance on the Royal Yacht Britannia’s summer cruises
9. Was a huge fan of 80s group Devo and their hit ‘Whip It’, performing her own dance interpretation at Palace garden parties.
10. Is the owner of the world’s longest fossilised dog turd.
Measuring in at a whopping 39″ in length, the turd is believed to have been laid by a royal ancestor’s Wolfhound.
11. Owns an 8′ Anaconda named Nagini which is trained to suppress all opposing views held by mortal enemies. It also doubles as one of her Horcruxes.
12. Has never got bored of hearing the national anthem. And wishes that everyone still sang all the verses.
“At least I’ve more hair than my Dad”
There was shock and disappointment amongst Royal well-wishers when it emerged that the hundreds of thousands birthday cards sent to Prince George are never actually seen by the Royals.
Caught off guard after an afternoon stocktaking in the Royal cellars, a loose tongued flunky revealed a number of secrets from the Royal household to our undercover Evening Harold reporter.
“Those well-meaning morons think their cards are personally opened by William and Kate in with baby George chewing the envelopes and gurgling with delight,” he told us. Continue reading
George inflicted almost as much damage as a 1960s architect.
A rampant future king of England has destroyed 85% of Hitchin, after the town was given to him as a birthday present.
No sooner had George, 12 months, been given the freedom of the city, than he began his destructive first steps through the shopping centre.
“Obviously we’re delighted that the royals took the time to visit”, said Hitchin’s half-crushed mayor, Derek Hopper. “But they could have warned us that their first-born had been gaining weight and height quite so…healthily.”
“Part of me wishes they’d blessed Luton with their presence instead.”
All smiles now, he was probably just overtired
Yaya Toure has ended speculation over his future by confirming that he will stay at Manchester City after the club apologised for not adequately acknowledging his birthday, took him to Disney World and bought him a balloon.
The current African footballer of the year had fuelled speculation that he may leave after a row over the club’s owners ignoring his birthday, but after Manuel Pellegrini cut short his own holiday to take Toure to Orlando all seems to have been forgiven. Continue reading
Elizabeth, Queen of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, Head of the Commonwealth, Chatelaine of Cair Paravel, and Empress of the Lone Islands is today celebrating her 88th birthday. In honour of the occasion we present the top fifteen facts about her extraordinary life and reign. Continue reading
If you don’t know what occasion this picture is a record of then count yourself very lucky.
Prince Edward is fifty today! In celebration we are proud to list his achievements and the reasons he’s a national treasure. Continue reading