Managers will have to dig their own dug outs
Stung by accusations of incompetence following the decision to play the 2022 World Cup Finals in the desert heat of Qatar, FIFA have responded by awarding the 2026 Finals to Antarctica.
“We’ve learnt our lessons from the Qatar debacle”, insisted Sepp Blatter, “so to avoid the higher temperatures of the summer months, the Antarctican matches will be played in the winter.” Continue reading
Kate models her pillow
The world is in shock as the Duchess of Cambridge admitted faking her pregnancy as a cover for weight gained from eating a couple of cream cakes too many nine months ago. The admission came shortly after a major betting plunge on the sex of the royal baby, with “pillow” replacing “girl” as hot favourite.
A tearful Kate said that the constant media pressure about producing an heir had got too much for her, and when journalists quizzed her about being pregnant after she had put on a couple of pounds, she thought it was simplest to just agree.
Sir Alex ‘too tight’ to get a man in.
Despite being at a loose end for over three weeks now, retired Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson ‘still hasn’t put those bloody shelves up’, according to his wife Cathy.
Sir Alex has been promising to tackle various odd-jobs around the home since 1986, when he first moved the family for his new senior administrative role with a popular sports team in Manchester. But while most men retire around the age of 65, Cathy claims he ‘deliberately kept going into his 70s’ to avoid the looming spectre of DIY.
“Alex claims he’s good with his hands, but he’s not so much as rewired a plug since the early 90s”, revealed Cathy. “And when I say ‘rewired’, I mean ‘shouted at its metal little face for 94 minutes and then hit it with a shoe.”