EXTras in all his glory…
Cricket Australia have just announced that enigmatic young batsman E. X. Tras will be Michael Clarke’s replacement as Australia’s captain with immediate effect, after making the highest score of all the Australian batsmen in the fourth Test at Trent Bridge.
“Young Tras has done remarkably well to break into the team’s top scorers so quickly,” confirmed Chairman of Selectors Rod Marsh. “Many people might not even be aware that EXTras is now far and away the most skilful player in the team, so meteoric has been his rise.”
EXTras shocked the cricket world after scoring a massive 14 runs in the first innings at Trent Bridge, an impressive fourteen times the amount amassed by former star player Adam Voges, or, if you like, infinity times the total for Rogers, Warner and Marsh combined. It is thought that no player has ever eclipsed his team-mates so thoroughly, but to be honest we’re laughing too much to check.
When asked if EXTras was really that good, or whether his rise was instead merely a symptom of a disastrously poor Australian team, Marsh bristled with anger, before collapsing into tears and blaming the bigger boys for spoiling everything.
Meanwhile, Australian cheerleader Shane Warne has announced controversially that private study of his family tree has revealed that he was actually born in Eastbourne.
Filed under Obituary, Sport
Safe pair of hands at first slip
Fresh from his announcement that World War One was actually a masterpiece of military planning, Education Secretary Michael Gove has now claimed that the Ashes tour was a ‘triumph’ for the England team.
“Left-wing defeatist commentators are trying to spread the myth that the Ashes tour was some sort of shambles, with under-prepared men sent to certain disaster by an out-of-touch elite,” he snarled this morning. “But let me tell you that good historians, such as myself, see the hostilities as necessary, and a price worth paying to show the Australians very clearly who’s the boss.” Continue reading
Filed under Politics, Sport
No-stralia: the undiscovered country.
The England Cricket Board has funded a major sea voyage, with the hope that Captain Cook can ‘undiscover Australia’.
Whittled from ash and unusually rudderless, it’s hoped the vessel can complete its voyage before sinking without trace.
Speaking from the poop deck, the dashing figure of Alistair Cook pledged that he ‘would not return until the seas below Indonesia were proved to be completely devoid of any troubling land masses’.
Had a good innings – just not recently…
Deeply lamented by a large circle of sorrowing friends and acquaintances, the England cricket team was finally put out of its misery today by a sympathetic Perth veterinary surgeon.
Like a horse with a broken leg, a blind dog or a really crap cricket team, spirit broken and body reduced to a wheezing shell, England had been reluctantly hobbling blindly onward under the whip of public opinion. By the end the team were little more than things of amusement for the howling cruelty of the Australian crowds and David Warner. Continue reading
Michael Clarke in typical pose, heading back to pavilion
Following a newspaper’s proposal to discourage England bowler Stuart Broad by not naming him, the Australian cricket captain Michael Clarke has made a heartfelt plea not to be named either, after a disastrous performance on day one of the Ashes.
The Brisbane Courier-Mail, after apparently being taken over by a consortium of six-year-olds, put the unusually grown-up plan on its front page yesterday. The perhaps hasty reasoning being that maverick bowler Broad thrives on aggression, and therefore could be neutralised by never speaking his name. Not for nothing is the city of Brisbane known as a centre of philosophy and logical thinking. Continue reading
Brimful of Ashes.
A sports scientist at the cutting edge of technology has revealed plans to recreate the original bails from cricket’s famous 1882 ‘Ashes’.
When the unthinkable happened 131 years ago and ‘the colonies’ won on British soil, it was announced that ‘English cricket was dead’ and the bails were ceremonially burned.But thanks to three straight wins on the trot and a burning need to rub it in to the Aussies, Derek Hampton thinks the time is right to resurrect the once exctinct sport.
“By pouring the Ashes into a 3D printer, we should be able to ‘clone’ the bails back to life”, insisted Hampton. “I’ve plugged mine in and it looks pretty straightforward, although I’ve got to be careful not to accidentally fax them.”
Ha. Haha. Hahahahahaha.
A newsagents in Harold has reported a 200-fold increase in orders for antipodean newspapers with miserable-looking sports failures on the front.
Before Thursday, Derek Evans rarely sold a copy of the Sydney Sports Echo, and Oz Cricket Monthly had been banned by the council. But following England’s success in cricket, bicycles and Wimbledon, owning such a periodical is now virtually compulsory.
“This is a good one”, said Evans, holding up a copy of the Wollagaloo Sporting Gazette. “You can see some phlegm on Watson’s face, where Clarke has been shouting ‘you have my full support’ at it.”
Agnew demonstrated how ‘swallowing the ball’ was acceptable if the opponents were losing.
Respected cricket buff Jonathan Agnew has slammed England’s latest approach to the Ashes, after witnessing batsmen running between stumps to score points.
“In my day, breaking into a trot was very much frowned upon”, revealed ‘Aggers’, to audiences everywhere too tight to pay for Sky. “We know we’re better than them so there’s no need to break sweat. We should thrash them at a more sportsmenlike canter.”
With the latest developments in computers, cameras and foreign scapegoats, many had assumed that controversy had abandoned the Gentleman’s Game. But with some players still insisting on waiting for a ruling from umpires rather than a Pakistani betting syndicate, Cricket risks being tarred by the same brush that daubs the sort of chap who plays football.