Author Archives: dvo

Police quiz Paul Nuttall over “holding feet to fire” threat

Anyone else hearing General Melchett? “Baaah”

The Met have questioned this month’s Ukip leader Paul Nuttall, after he issued threats to “hold the goverment’s feet to the fire”, during the official launch of Ukip’s election campaign.

“If enough people are stupid enough to vote for him” said Met Commissioner Cressida Dick “Mr Nuttall  threatened some form of physical violence. Taking hold of another person’s feet without consent  Continue reading

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Paul Nuttall yet to confirm where he’ll be losing in the election

Moan, moan, moan, moan. Moan, moan, moan, moan.

Although Paul Nuttall will stand in the general election, he hasn’t chosen which unlucky people will have to endure weeks of his irritating, whining fantasy, before formally telling him to sling his hook in the early hours of 9th June.

Nuttall could stand in his home town of Bootle, where he practised losing in 2005 and 2010. Oh, and 2015. Bootle is not a million miles from Anfield however, so being the ‘local boy made good racist’ might be offset by having played the popular politicians’ sport of Hillsborough bandwagon jumping rather too enthusiastically.

The Ukip leader told LBC radio “I might stand in Xenophobia, that’s in Essex isn’t it? Wherever I choose, as the leader of the party I will be, obviously, leading the party into battle, as I did with 2 Para at Goose Green”. “I don’t really like to talk about it.” he added.

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Ivanka: “Gender no barrier to my life as billionaire’s heir”

A moment of self doubt? No, just thinking about shoes

Ivanka Trump says her father is essentially a feminist, a keen supporter of women’s rights.

“I grew up in a house where there were no barriers to what I could accomplish as a billionaire’s daughter.”

Speaking without apparent irony on women’s entrepreneurship, Ms Trump said she stayed a whole year at her first job after school, before being lucky enough to land a post with the Trump Organization.

“You’ve got to make your own luck in business, because nobody’s going to hand you success on a plate.” Continue reading

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Tony Blair may face prosecution over threat to return to front line politics

He could be deployed at a press conference within 45 minutes

Tony Blair has been interviewed under caution on suspicion of causing harassment, alarm or distress to Radio 4 listeners who, over the weekend, heard him suggest he might return to front line politics.

“The Public OrderAct covers a wide range of anti-social behaviour.” said the Met’s new Commissioner, Cressida Dick. “True, the Act doesn’t actually specify what those behaviours are, however, I can’t think of anything more alarming than the threat of Blair gurning his way into our lives on radio and TV again, with his mock humility and  those weird Continue reading

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Filed under Labour, News, Politics, Tony Blair

Labour maverick doesn’t play by the rules but gets the job done: Dirty Jerry

But you’ve gotta ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya punk?

Labour’s new look Jeremy Corbyn is a steely-eyed man; he’s seen his share of trouble but takes no shit. From anyone.

In a departure from his previous gentle style, Corbyn challenged a shadow cabinet rebel today, in forthright terms. “I know what you’re thinking. ‘Did he fire six colleagues or only five?’ Well to tell you the truth in all this excitement I kinda lost track myself. But you’ve gotta ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky? Continue reading

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Politicians call on politicians to stop playing politics over politics

Everyone: “Just stop it, all of you.”

Senior politicians from all parties have demanded that politicians from other parties stop playing politics in the run up to the General Election.

At Prime Ministers question time today, Theresa May told the House that calling the election was essential as “too many Westminster MP’s had deliberately made political points about the details of Brexit”.

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McLaren F1 to fit pedals before next Grand Prix

At some races, Alonso has resorted to hailing a cab

With Fernando Alonso complaining last weekend that he’s never raced with less power, McLaren are to swap their Honda engines for pedal power, coupled to a Shimano 16-speed gearset.

“We’re keeping the energy recovery battery set-up though,” said McLaren test driver Jenson Button “as that’s always given more power than Honda’s engine ever did.”

The semi-retired former world champion explained that his high-profile winter triathlon training was in fact a ruse, Continue reading

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Filed under Motoring, News, Sport

Sitting on a sofa in his underpants, online gambler thinks he’s James Bond

Do you take Tesco Clubcard points?

Harold’s fattest man says losing his wages to an algorithm is pretty much the same as living the dream of casinos, fast cars, and Vodka Martinis; whatever they are.

Billy Mckean, star of the harrowing documentary ‘Help, my liver’s the size of a dog’, says that his ‘undercover job’ as a Tesco Express security guard gives him insight into the superficially different worlds of a criminal mastermind breaking the bank at Casino de Monte Carlo and Darren, from Continue reading

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Sun’s equal op’s policy sees Kelvin MacKenzie offend every Everton fan

Kelvin MacKenzie, what’s not to like?

The thing you trod in but can’t scrape off your boots however hard you try in human form, Kelvin MacKenzie, has applied the Sun’s equal op’s policy and compared Everton’s Ross Barclay, who has Nigerian heritage, to a gorilla at a zoo.

MacKenzie had been worried that there might yet be some in the city of Liverpool who he hadn’t offended by printing a series of lies about the Hillsborough disaster.

“You know, idiots or those who are both  blind and deaf. Maybe someone with severe dementia or in a persistent vegetative Continue reading

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Daily Mail demands cut-price summer BBQs, as well as holidays

There’s a big demand for these chops so you can have one at half-price

Well-known free market critic, the Daily Mail, has called on the government to cap the cost of BBQs in warm weather.

Inspired by the story of Jon Platt, who rejects the laws of supply and demand when they increase his holiday costs, the Mail is expanding its campaign for discount-price holidays during peak periods, to include other seasonal goods and services.

“Retailers ‘somehow’ manage to sell a Weber Genesis E330 BBQ for £700 in January” whined Sarah Vine, who used to be a journalist, “but barely three months later, the sun comes out and they’re all ‘It’s £1,599 take it or leave it’. It must be Jeremy Corbyn’s Continue reading

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Filed under Holidays, News

Neil Hamilton swears hypocritic oath

Neil Hamilton is just as honest as he looks

Former Tory, liar and bankrupt, Neil Hamilton, has accused Mark Reckless of being untrustworthy, in the latest round of Abandon SinkingShip-gate.

The disgraced former MP, who left the Tories and is now UKIP leader in Wales, proving that the biggest turds float to the top, has criticised Reckless for leaving UKIP and aligning himself with the Tories.

Reckless had “betrayed the trust” of UKIP supporters said Hamilton, without a trace of irony, or even a knowing wink Continue reading

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Filed under News, Politics

Ken Livingstone still banging on about Hitler

[Hold it in, you can do it … no use … too strong … aagh] “HITLER”

Ken Livingstone used the last hours before learning if banging on about Hitler and the Jews would lead to his expulsion from Labour, to bang on about Hitler.

Offered the chance to talk about Brexit, Arsene Wenger’s future at Arsenal, and the Cadburygate scandal, the loveable newt-botherer elected to keep on digging his way downwards, out of the hole in which he’d found himself. Continue reading

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Filed under Labour, News

Spain is ‘quite OK’ with hints of military action over Gibraltar, says Howard

Only *something* of the night?

Former Tory leader, Lord Howard has made the world just a little darker (again), by referencing the Falklands war when discussing Gibraltar, but he’s certain the Spanish won’t be offended at all.

“No, it’s fine, trust me. It won’t mean anything to Spain, as they’ve no links to Argentina.” said Howard “Apart from a shared heritage and culture. Oh, and the language, Spanish is it?”

“Most Spaniards won’t have even heard of the Falklands,” Continue reading

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Filed under Defence, idiots, War

Primary teachers amazed that 7 year-olds’ Sats are “a waste of time”

Policies no longer written in indelible ink.

The government’s latest policy U turn, on testing kids who struggle to fasten their shirt buttons, has come as a shock to teachers, who thought it was all going swimmingly.

“Sats are great” affirmed Harold teaching assistant, Carly Jeffery “they don’t cause stress for schools, staff, children or parents, so I’m wary of dropping them without evidence. But clearly the DfE knows what it’s doing.” Continue reading

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Farage: “We’d have been bigger arseholes without Carswell.” A puzzled Nation scratches its head

“Bigger arseholes? How would that have worked then?”

Nigel Farage, has set the UK a tough puzzle; “How could UKIP possibly have been bigger arseholes over the past few years?”

In the wake of Farage’s claim that UKIP could have been more anti-immigrant, but for the spoilsport Douglas Carswell, the Nation has expelled a massive “WTF?” “I’m a dab hand at crosswords and killer sudoku and once got two questions right on Brain of Britain,” said Continue reading

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Clacton’s outrage as Carswell leaves UKIP: “meh”

Carswell leaving leaves UKIP a few nuts short of a fruitcake

Clacton’s worryingly weird MP, Douglas Carswell, a highly principled man who changes party more often than most people do their socks, has abandoned a sinking ship and left UKIP. Which is what Clacton deserves, you’re probably thinking.

“I won’t switch parties, or cross the floor, “said Carswell, who will just stay on as MP for Clacton, without bothering the voters again. “It’s not big money as an MP but more than I’d get elsewhere realistically, so it was a no-brainer.”

“I’ll sit as an independent now,” he explained, before adding “not with all UKIP’s other MPs. Oh no, they haven’t got any …” Continue reading

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430-million-year-old fossil named after David Attenborough “actually Keith Richards”

They say he’ll have your eyes out in a flash. As will the eagle

The naming of an old fossil in honour of David Attenboroug was abandoned today, after it yawned, scratched, and was revealed as Keith Richards, contemplating a difficult guitar riff.

This is just the latest in a series of setbacks for the naming things after Sir David Attenborough industry.

Last year the ‘Dinosaur Attenborosaurus Conybeare’ was found to be Ronnie Wood, taking an unusually long afternoon nap.

A wildflower named Attenborough Hawkweed, Continue reading

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Filed under Nature, News

Irony implodes: Nick Griffin to emigrate

Sean Spicer & Nick Griffin, never seen in the same room

Sean Spicer’s less intelligent dodgy uncle look-alike, Nick Griffin, plans to inflict himself on the unsuspecting Hungarians later this year.

Griffin spoke in glowing terms of the growing ”nationalist emigre community” in Hungary, where he’ll move to later this year. He will continue to be politically active though, campaigning for less immigration and stronger national borders.

Laws of quantum physics were suspended yesterday, as Oxford English Dictionaries failed to fit this proposition into Einsteins general theory of relativity. Continue reading

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Filed under Europe, News, Politics

Wills responds to ‘workshy’ press criticism: “I’m a Prince, dur…”

“Oh and skiing, I love skiing too”

Prince William says he doesn’t have to do any work at all if he doesn’t feel like it.

“I’m second in line to the throne, do you see?” He explained to a meeting of Fleet Street editors today. “That’s how it is with a monarchy, I was sure you’d all know.”

“Didn’t any of you study British Constitution at school? I was going to take it at A level but learned all I needed to know at GCSE. It was brilliant, my favourite subject.”

“The thing is” the Prince went on Continue reading

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Political party seeks £70K sponsorship

Oh oh. More words on a bloody bus

Are you the beneficiary of dodgy general election accounting practice?

Maybe you’re now an MP, who wouldn’t be if you’d stuck to the rules.

If so, then your £76,000 MP salary might be just what your party needs to meet an unexpected bill.

Still smarting from Wednesday’s budget reversing, the Tories have to stump up for an Electoral Commission fine of £70,000, after fiddling the figures in the last General Election and are asking for donations from anyone who might have benefitted from their underhand behaviour and “unreasonable uncooperative conduct”.

Please send cash, cheques, postal orders, or negotiable bonds to: Sir Mick Davis, Treasurer, Conservative Party, PO Box 123, George Town, Cayman Islands

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Filed under Election 2015, News, Politics