Jacob hanging on to a majority in his constituency
Speaking outside the 20th century (at the other end), Rees-Mogg, an expert on laws spiritual and temporal, explained that his God hates divorce, contraception, and menstrual cycles. And socialists – “not just the women socialists though.”
The MP says that although he is prepared to compromise his beliefs, as far as the divorce itself is concerned, actually paying for it is a step too far. “I would never do so, of course, but if I ever did leave my wife I Continue reading
It hasn’t lost all humanity and will still throw your parcels over the fence
With funding for expanding driverless car use in the budget, Philip Hammond says the Tories have already piloted the idea, using entirely rudderless government.
“It uses very much the same principles.” said the Chancellor, dancing around and waving a torch so as to be seen “You swap a human driver, who is susceptible to being distracted by thoughts, feelings, and suchlike, for an emotionless robot making choices on Continue reading
Explorer Benedict Allen has said sorry to his wife for the indignity of being rescued in Papua New Guinea by the Daily Mail.
Appalling hate-mongers at the Daily Mail had hired a helicopter to cash-in on the disappearance of Benedict Allen, hoping that it’s appalling editor Paul Dacre might yet sneak into the New Year’s Honours list.
On learning that he was being rescued by the Daily Mail, Mr Allen (57), exclaimed: ‘I can’t believe it. Hell’s bells, the f-cking Mail? F-ck off!’ Continue reading
I’ve conceded hobnobs but expect tariff-free trade at least
With Brexit talks at a critical stage, David Davis is even thinking about putting in an extra shift each week until next month.
“I’m willing to do the job I’m paid to do, on anything up to two days a week, but only for the short term.”
“I won’t say exactly how long for, as I don’t want to reveal my hand.” said a toga-wearing Davis, speaking from a chaise longue in his London office, whilst being fed peeled grapes Continue reading
“Trust me. I was definitely not sacked.”
Popular International Development Secretary Priti Patel was ordered back from an official trip in Africa by the PM, summoned to Downing Street and then by sheer coincidence decided to resign. “I wasn’t sacked” said Ms Patel.
In her resignation letter, which was in no way prepared in advance by the PM, Ms Patel said her actions “fell below the standards of transparency and openness that I have advocated for other people. I just didn’t realise they might apply to me. So I’ve resigned”.
Mrs May said Ms Patel’s Continue reading
Larry is expected to jump at the chance
With yet another hapless minister being shown the door, Larry the Downing Street cat is standing by, in the expectation that he’ll get a Cabinet post later this week.
The PM hopes that Larry will help dispose of some of the larger rats before they abandon the sinking ship. “He’s not actually very good at it” admitted press secretary James Slack “but then again David Davis and Jeremy Hunt haven’t set the bar very high.”
“Larry’s a safe pair of paws though,” insists Slack “used to shitting in public, then half-heartedly trying to cover it up, so he should fit in well with Boris Continue reading
Chris managed to beat off rivals to secure a post with the family firm.
Tory MP, whip and all-round know-it-all Chris Heaton-Harris, has written to all home-schooling parents, asking them to send him copies of their lesson plans, with particular reference to Brexit.
“There’s no hurry,” says Heaton-Harris “but shall we say next Monday at the latest? As half-term actually ends on Friday afternoon.”
The popular government whip likes people to justify their position in society and has written to all the nation’s educators, partly because time hangs heavy on his hands as an MP but mostly because Continue reading
They’ll thank me later. They always do.
Ukippers and other idiots are still keen on giving the UK a damned hard brexit, often waking early, drenched in various bodily fluids, after a night spent fantasising about it.
With the referendum won, right-wingers are managing their otherwise empty internal worlds by dreaming of giving us all a really good brexiting. “The UK may say be saying ‘no’ but I know better,” explained Continue reading
with hindsight, the Corgi Aston Martin was probably a mistake,
After the Tory conference security lapse, when a poorly advised comic came within just a few feet of Lee Nelson, red-faced MI6 chiefs have now found that James Bond, previously thought to be their most secret agent, is actually very well known.
“Our suspicions were raised when we found Commander Bond had his own theme tune.” said actor and former head of MI6, Dame Judy Dench.
“It transpired we had a mole. Everyone seemed to be expecting him when he showed up at their secret lair, even when he arrived by parachute. Continue reading
“I’m sorry we got found out.” He looks a bit Nixony to us
Grey man in a grey suit, David Gauke, says once negative publicity reached ‘critical’, he decided to stop charging benefit claimants 55p a minute for DWP helplines.
“We’re listening and we care,” said DWP minister Gauke, supressing a snigger. “care about being found out, that is. Now we’ll go back to the drawing board and find other, less obvious ways of punishing people for claiming benefits.”
“It can’t be that hard. Iain Duncan Smith ran the DWP for years and he needs both hands to find his arse Continue reading
Filed under DWP, Politics
Move, Phil, move! Is he there?
‘Philip Hammond says that thanks to sound Tory economics, Britain’s Tory voting OAPs are to get a whopping 3% increase in state pensions in 2018.
“Make no mistake, this is great news for the UK.” said the Chancellor speaking from in front of a bright background, so as to be seen.
Nicknamed ‘Dustsheet Phil’ due to his fondness for keeping offshore investments covered up, Continue reading
‘Do as I say, not as I do. Got it? Or do you want bog-washing?”
Ofsted, which kicks schools round the playground if they don’t do well in tests set by psychopaths who can’t cut the mustard in the classroom, has told schools to ‘Do as I say, not as I do’.
“When we go into schools we have a battery of tests to administer.” said head of Ofsted Amanda Spielman “Or to put it another way, we have tests to administer with battery. Yes, that’s Continue reading
Ouch A nice little earner.
From 2018, all tar and stone chipping resurfacing will be paid for by the UK’s windscreen replacement businesses.
“We’re just formalising the setup that’s worked for years where, instead of government paying an extra £300 per day for a road roller, motorists happily sacrifice their cars’ bodywork and windscreens.” said Transport Secretary Chris Grayling, one of the few MPs who can make Iain Duncan Smith seem Continue reading
Signs of the times. Come on, get moving!
After finally tracking down the magic money tree in the back garden of 10 Downing Street, the government believes what the housing market really needs is not, as idiots might think, more homes but an injection of cash into the market to help home owners, like your gran, feel happier as prices rise.
“But it’s not just elderly Daily Mail readers who’ll benefit from a £10bn boost in house price inflation,” said Theresa May “No, some Continue reading
Filed under Housing, News
“‘Reveal my hand’, I don’t even know what that means. Help me.”
David Davis will ask around the Tory conference today and see if it’s the right time to reveal his hand.
“I’ve never actually played poker but ‘not revealing my hand’ sounds macho, a bit James Bond-ish, so when people started asking me about Brexit I kept trotting it out. I really ought to find out what it means.”
“The name’sh Davish, David Davish. How’s the accent?” said Continue reading
Phew, Bolton remembers to use his left arm when saluting the troops
Henry Bolton has seen off the challenge of better-known racists to become UKIP leader.
He says he’ll hang on until 2018 if at all possible and if his luck’s in, dashing hopes there’d be enough leaders within 12 months to form a five-a-side charity football team.
What do we know about Henry Bolton? Born in Kenya [are you sure? check this before publishing Ed.], Bolton moved to Britain to study but quickly realised other immigrants might want to compete Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
Always getting better, at being shits
Michael O’Leary says Ryanair’s lying to passengers should be seen in the light of the company not giving a shit about them.
“When you put our behaviour in context it all makes sense. I don’t see what all the fuss is about. I don’t give a shit, Ryanair doesn’t give a shit, it’s all entirely consistent. Why is that so hard to understand?”
Harold teaching assistant, Carly Jeffery is a Ryanair customer whose flight was cancelled at short notice. “The next flight they could book me on is in January but as I was going to my mother’s funeral Continue reading
Filed under News, Transport
“there are plenty of similar motivational initiatives in the pipeline”
The PM believes massive US tariff hikes are a welcome incentive for UK industry to work harder.
“I’ve already phoned President Trump to thank him for implementing the agreement we made during my visit.” said Mrs May “He’s assured me there are plenty of similar motivational initiatives in the pipeline**.
“So that’s all good. The President calls it the ‘Bend over and touch your toes, this might smart a bit’ approach, Continue reading
Frauke Petry. She’s off to invade Poland
The leader of German right-wing AfD has quit the party after finding it’s a loose coalition of hate-spewing racists.
“My suspicions were first aroused when Nigel Farage turned up at one of our rallies” said Frauke Petry “but I was too busy Continue reading
Come on, we’d all pay to see that
As yet another celebrity turns to pugilism after retirement, a movement is growing for Michael Gove to take up the noble art.
“Thousands would pay to watch Michael Gove punched around a boxing ring.” said George Tredinnick a homeopath from Harold “In fact, there’s thousands who’d pay to do the punching. I know I would. And I’m a pacifist.”
With the online game ‘Slap Michael Gove’ being a runaway success, Continue reading