Category Archives: Media

by | June 26, 2014 · 11:00 am

More would believe Rebekah Brooks to be innocent if she had less annoying hair

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Apparently the exact shade is called mendacity

Though declared not guilty on all counts by a jury many people are struggling to believe Rebekah Brook’s innocence. The reason given in every case is the same: her hair.

“I don’t like to judge by appearance,” said villager and head of Harold’s Neighbourhood Watch Janice Logan. ‘However there’s something about that woman’s hair that just rubs me up the wrong way. I’ve seen Brave, the girl in that had the same hair and she was a most violent and deceitful person.” Continue reading →

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by | June 18, 2014 · 6:07 pm

Paxman’s final Newsnight: Will Michael Howard be on?

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Thinks: Howard, you utter ‘chump’

Jeremy Paxman will front his last Newsnight tonight. Paxman sprang to international prominence after his 1997 ‘grilling’ of  Michael Howard. Hopes were high that the irritatingly smug veteran might be persuaded to appear tonight and interview the former Tory leader again.

The BBC still doesn’t know if Howard will be there however, as revealed in this transcript leaked to the Evening Harold.

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by | · 7:00 am

Local man inspired by Phil Neville

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A bear on fire on a motorbike fighting off Christ the Redeemer for stealing his unicorn

Inspired by the plethora of ‘expert analysts’ prevalent on the television during the current World Cup, local entrepreneur Andy Warder has started a new consultancy business.

“I got the idea whilst listening to experts such as Robbie Savage, Danny Murphy and Andy Townsend on the telly, and I immediately set about honing my mathematical equation during half time in the France v Honduras match. It’s simple: Expert analysis = description of an event you have witnessed + cliché.

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by | June 12, 2014 · 11:56 am

Harry Potter books suddenly on GCSE syllabus

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Gove smiling as he holds his wand.

Michael Gove has announced that the syllabus for GCSE English will consist exclusively of novels by JK Rowling, following her recent ‘outstanding display of Britishness’.

As a result of her sizeable donation to the Scotland ‘No’ campaign, the author has been reassessed by the education secretary. Her books are now rated as ‘outstanding’, rather than ‘satisfactory’ as previously thought.

“I would endorse any author who promotes Britishness in their writing, especially if that writing is on a cheque book”, revealed Gove. “There’s a million reasons why we’ve made this decision.”
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by | June 10, 2014 · 7:00 am

Ed Miliband ‘will win back voters’ by using more Blair hand gestures

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Miliband hopes to be loved by the nation as much as Blair is.

Ed Miliband has pledged to win back support from disaffected voters by adopting more of Tony Blair’s trademark hand gestures.

With the backs of his hands pushed out in front of him making a sort of odd scooping gesture, advisors insisted Miliband looked more statesman-like, more believable and more sincere.

“This one is called the ‘honesty gates'”, said Miliband, “I’m pushing them in your face. Can you feel yourself warming to me? The focus groups predicted that you would.”

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