Author Archives: Max C-F

by | April 8, 2013 · 10:00 am

Villagers alarmed by Labour’s silence create their own Opposition

The wax-Miliband on the high street appears to be about to speak but would anyone remember what it said?

The wax-Miliband on the high street appears to be about to speak but would anyone remember what it said?

Concerned villagers in Harold have erected wax and cardboard images of Ed Miliband to try and create a sense that the UK does have an active Opposition.

‘It’s all IDS this, Osborne that, and Cameron everywhere you look,’ complained Julie Kettle as she tried to clean the cardboard-Miliband outside The Squirrel Licker’s Arms. ‘Where’s the Leader of the Opposition? It’s scary. I feel like we’re living in a one party-state and it’s a crap party without any crisps or jelly. So we’re putting Milibands around the village to make it seem like he’s actually doing something and engaging with real people.’ Continue reading →

Comments Off on Villagers alarmed by Labour’s silence create their own Opposition

Filed under Around Harold, Politics

Tagged as , , , , ,

by | April 5, 2013 · 8:00 am

Residents on benefits plead to be taken into police custody to keep village safe

article-1230562-017D8AF6000004B0-1_224x626
Worried residents of Harold who are currently on any form of benefit from job seekers allowance to war widows pension pleaded with the police to take them into custody to ensure the safety of those around them.

Carly Jeffery who works as a teaching assistant at St Mary’s and receives housing benefit and child benefit for her two children Ben (7) and Alice (4) is terrified that being in reciept of government money means that she will harm her family.

“With the Daily Mail claiming that Mick Philpott and his two accomplices wouldn’t have killed if being on benefits hadn’t made them do it, I’m worried for the safety of my children. I love the kids to bits but I now see that they have been born into a culture of dependency and are doomed to be as feckless as I am. It’s only right that I’m locked up and they are raised by the state which will of course ease the burden on hard working tax payers and give the children a better chance in life, won’t it?”

Read more…

Comments Off on Residents on benefits plead to be taken into police custody to keep village safe

Filed under Around Harold

Tagged as , , ,

by | April 2, 2013 · 5:08 pm

Wheelchair teen’s job fury

Impressive but could he stop an old woman from stealing cat food?

Impressive but could he stop an old woman from stealing cat food?

A young Haroldian is claiming that he was turned down for a job as a security guard at the Harold branch of Tesco Express because he uses a wheelchair. Referring to himself as an “extreme sitter” Simon Delaney (17) says that he would be much more effective in the role than the current incumbent, William McKean.

‘Have you seen the state of that fat bastard?’ A furious Delaney demanded. ‘What’s he going to do when he sees someone shoplifting? Sweat at them until they stop? I’m rolling twice as fast as a man can sprint. No one’s getting away from me, it’s not happening. McKean’s about as much use as tits on a fish.’ Continue reading →

Comments Off on Wheelchair teen’s job fury

Filed under Around Harold

Tagged as , , , ,

by | March 30, 2013 · 3:50 pm

Tony Blair announces return to public life as HM Queen

God Bless you Ma'am/Sir.

God Bless you Ma’am/Sir.

Dodging eggs and raising his voice over the shouts of protesters, former Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, Tony Blair, visited Harold today and surprised onlookers by announcing his intention to return to public life but this time as the nation’s unelected figurehead.

‘I take nothing away from the current Queen who has done an amazing job but a modern nation needs a modern representative. One who is young but not too young, let’s say late fifties, and one who is across the vibrant culture of today. We’re talking the kind of Queen who goes on holiday with Cliff Richard and once met someone from Oasis.’ Continue reading →

Comments Off on Tony Blair announces return to public life as HM Queen

Filed under International News

by | March 29, 2013 · 11:01 am

Hundreds accidently audition for X-Factor: none eligible or interested

xfactor2

Bollocks more like

While poorly attended in other parts of the country, in Harold the line outside the village hall for the X-Factor auditions stretched almost to The Squirrel Lickers Arms! Sadly for Simon Cowell, on closer examination hardly anyone was there in the hope of impressing the man who has done for music what Kevin Spacey’s character in Se7en did for Milton.

Continue reading →

Comments Off on Hundreds accidently audition for X-Factor: none eligible or interested

Filed under Around Harold

by | March 28, 2013 · 5:13 am

Joy as children freed from internet ‘forward’ sweatshop

girl looking at computer monitor

Forward this to beat piles!

A quiet backstreet in Harold today echoed to the sound of tears of joy when seven children were freed from an internet ‘forward’ sweatshop. Inside rescuers found banks of computers that the children had been forced to sit in front of for up to eighteen hours a day creating disease-based posts for people to endlessly forward to each other on Facebook.

This the latest of a series of raids that have taken place at addresses all over Harold and surrounding areas in recent weeks as part of Operation No Twee a massive police operation that has so far seen ten arrested and over twenty children rescued.

Continue reading →

Comments Off on Joy as children freed from internet ‘forward’ sweatshop

Filed under Around Harold

by | March 25, 2013 · 2:26 pm

Row over llama rumpus continues

Llama_lying_down

They can hold their breath underwater for up to two hours. 

The village-wide row over whose animals are doing to the recreation ground what George Osborne did to the economy has taken a new turn with ex-Bond girl and animal sanctuary owner, Emilie Bourdain, launching a passionate defence of her llamas.

“My llamas are kept in a secure environment and have not and would not escape. They’re well-behaved creatures which is more than I can say for those I have seen on the rec and their dogs.”

Continue reading →

Comments Off on Row over llama rumpus continues

Filed under Around Harold

Tagged as ,