Cold? Frankincense? Brrr.
Britain’s freezing pensioners, children and other humans are putting their Christmas lists together early this year – and there’s just one must-have item on their minds: a lump of coal.
As energy prices soar for the 238th consecutive week, many in the UK have forgotten what it’s like to feel their feet. With many families ripping out their gas pipes, selling them to gypsies and using the proceeds to switch a light on for an hour, the thought of a string of Christmas lanterns is too much to bear.
“Struggling families face a stark choice this year”, explained Harold’s vicar Tansy Forster, “between having something to eat, or switching the heating on. Fortunately, coal can satisfy both of these desires: it’s flammable and not all that undelicious if you use it to make a smoothie. But remember that legally, you mustn’t call it ‘Coke’.”
Supplier insists wind turbine is ‘for novelty use only’
Harold’s green credentials were called into doubt last night, as the controversial village wind turbine finally ran out of puff.
Despite the vast cost of the equipment and 3 years of legal wrangling with local pressure groups, the windmill was only operable for 40 minutes before an engineer had to be called.
Norwegian wind experts Flattus were quickly on the scene and proceeded to remove panels from the lower sections of the tower. But a quick-eyed junior cameraman from the Evening Harold snapped the guts of the equipment, revealing an estimated 40,000 AA batteries being used to power the fan.
Our journalist said the warehouse was OK, but asked for the windows to be shut as there was an unwelcome draft.
After 6 years of arguments over planning for a new wind farm on the edge of the village of Harold, plans to make the turbines solar-powered look set to revolutionise the environmentally friendly technology whilst finding a likely solution to the concerns raised by locals.
As with many other areas in the country, the sight of the wind farms on the landscape has been one of the main sticking points of the planning application, however making them solar-powered will allow the whole farm to be built inside a visually more acceptable warehouse.
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