“We’re sorry if our apology seems insincere.”
In a move designed to scupper rail management critics, Network Rail operations boss Mark Carne has issued a full apology in advance of the unexpected disruptions to services this coming autumn.
“A sophisticated and coordinated attack on rail lines by foliage around November can be neither foreseen nor planned for, no matter how good your intelligence,” he said.
“I want to say a sincere and personal ‘sorry’ to all those commuters stuck in the middle of nowhere, who will have paid good money for the privilege.”
“I would also like to reassure our customers that we are doing all we can to prepare for the winter, but there is no climatologist alive can be expected to predict freak conditions causing snow on such an unprecedented scale. Again, I say I’m sorry.”
Drivers undergo exhaustive training.
London’s tube train drivers are marking the tenth anniversary of the day London defiantly got moving again, by defiantly staying in bed.
With a paltry £2.5k bonus and a 2 percent payrise to top up their meagre £50k salary on offer, rail workers claimed it wasn’t enough to stop them treating their customers with utter contempt.
“It’s tradition”, said Terence Cockney, who is employed to sit down near a lever. “We always strike at Christmas, bank holidays or when it causes the most offence.”
Saatchi and Saatchi have worked tirelessly to keep morons alive
With the next firefighters’ day of on-the-books inaction looming, Fire Minister Brandon Lewis has issued a list of precautions that many people wouldn’t have immediately thought of.
Top Government tips for the duration of industrial action include: Avoid taking lit birthday cakes to bed with you. Don’t let your man light his cigar when re-fuelling the Jag. And think twice before drying out damp fireworks in a gas oven.
“We’ve all done that haven’t we?” chuckled Mr Lewis, “Especially if we’ve some old fireworks left over from last 5th November, but probably best not-to this week.”