Playgrounds provide ample parking
The government revealed today that the next phase in its education policy is for all state-owned schools to converted as quickly as possible into nice apartments for rich people.
“This country has a fine school tradition,” explained chancellor George Osborne, “With some magnificent old buildings, many with high ceilings and lots of original features. With fewer children and better furniture we could be looking at some really good news for our friends’ building companies.”
“Renovation, renovation, renovation, that’s our motto.”
Following a plea from doctors to ban tackling in school rugby on safety grounds, a group of academics has also called on the government to stop children’s human cannonball lessons.
The pastime, which has a near 100% fatality rate, is very popular among some parents and teachers, who say it builds character and is the only way of getting rid of the little bastards.
Rules vary across different parts of the country, but participants are generally loaded into a large cannon and fired at a tiny net some way away. Ofsted have complained that many schools are missing their targets.
Doctors warn that ‘high-impact’ activities like this can cause injuries including fractures, ligamentous tears and dislocated shoulders, although the main cause of death is usually simple ‘flattening’.
Johnny Angry, a PE teacher and father of nine at St Foolhardy’s School for Boys in the village of Harold – where human cannonball is compulsory from the age of 11 – says it provides a challenge.
Nicky Morgan wonders if she could change the currriculum on Boxing day
The nation’s schools are today toasting Nicky Morgan, who plans to review how primary school pupils are assessed.
“That’s fantastic!” enthused Harold teaching assistant Carly Jeffery, when we broke the news to her this morning . “I’m bored with the current system, which is over a year old. Can you believe it, more than 12 months?” Continue reading
A picture of a man who gets sexually aroused thinking about Dotheboys Hall.
Michael Gove yesterday released a new national curriculum which will only be applied to state-maintained schools in England leaving academies, free schools and independent schools to teach whatever they like.
“We are very much being placed on education’s naughty step,” said Alison Lee, headteacher of St Mary’s primary school in Harold. “And held hostage to a curriculum that is rushed, chaotic and reactionary.”
“The Secretary of State for Education is constantly calling for state-maintained schools to be tougher, harder and fiercely competitive. I just wish someone would give us the freedom and the finances to make them better.” Continue reading
Skyrim: everything you need for a school trip plus dragons.
Clive Morris, headteacher of Harold Shining Future Academy and IT Achievement Haven (formerly Harold comprehensive), has defended the school’s decision to replace the annual sixth form residential trip with a week playing Skyrim the phenomenally popular PC and console game.
“School trips have changed beyond recognition over the last ten years,” he said. “In my day you were abandoned to a random family in a crappy French town no more than an hour from the nearest ferryport where you spent the whole week hating the food and fancying a hairy French lass then returned home with a bag full of Hollywood chewing gun and a flick knife. This will no longer do and besides which HSFAIAH has been banned from all international ports in the UK for some years now.” Continue reading
Soon to be as unfathomable as Nick Clegg’s purpose.
David Cameron has announced at a press conference that the government has made maths illegal.
“We looked at what was best for Britain, what would help us move forward as a nation,” he said. “And the answer was obvious. What’s caused all our recent financial troubles that under George Osborne’s inspired and creative leadership as Chancellor of the Exchequer has got far worse than anyone imagined? Not sure that bit’s been written out properly, anyway it’s numbers. They are dangerous and so we going to ensure public safety by putting the understanding and manipulation of numbers beyond the reach of ordinary citizens.” Continue reading