A loom n yum, as the say in the States.
When ‘A’ was rescued from a B&Q orphanage, he thought a loving family was taking him into their home and their hearts.
“The kids seemed very excited on the way home in the 4×4,” recalled A, “singing ‘Daddy got a ladder’ to the tune of ‘If I had a hammer’. I thought I would soon be enjoying a bowl of homemade soup in a warm kitchen and then the kids would show me where I was sleeping. I couldn’t have been more wrong.”
To his horror, the jeep pulled up the gravel path to the detached double garage. While the children ran into the house to tell mummy about their outing with daddy, A was slid out of the tailgate, had his packaging stripped from him and was roughly shaken before being hung on a pair of hooks inside the garage.
“Yeah, reckon you’ll do,” said the man before switching off the light and shutting the garage door.
In the darkness, a large spider crawled and A heard the familiar creak of aluminium on aluminium.
“Who’s there?” asked A.
“I’m Triple Extension,” said a deep voice in reply, “and this is my wife, Roof. Get to sleep, Steps. There’s work to be done, first thing in the morning.”
“Don’t call me Steps,” cried A.”My name’s A. It’s short for A-Frame. You’re not my real ladder.”
“It’s rubbish” say villagers
The improved recycling facility site in Harold, renovated at great expense to the taxpayer, has been condemned as “farcical”, “confusing” and “the product of a diseased mind”.
Renamed in honour of local refuse collecting hero Stanley Biggs, who once singlehandedly fly-tipped the whole village’s rubbish when the 1977 bin-man strike coincided with a heatwave, Biggs Plaza Continue reading
Before you dump, think it through.
Food banks up and down the country now have enough jars of Dolmio pasta sauce to sink an Italian battleship, thanks to the caring generosity of well-meaning do-gooders.
“As soon as I found out just how much sugar and salt they add to the pink sludge, I emptied my cupboards and started pouring the stuff down the sink,” said housewife Daphne Newton.
“Then my teenage daughter pointed out that the amount of precious clean water and costly sink cleaner I was using far outweighed the benefits of recycling the empty jars and demanded I deliver the remaining two dozen jars to the food bank instead.”
“Well, I couldn’t believe my ears when the woman at the food bank said they already had enough of that particular item, thank you.”
The Scouts, Territorial and Salvation Armies have been stood down in Harold after experts confirmed it was the heavy winds that blew 11 recycling boxes in to the middle of the road, and it was not the start of an Eco-invasion.
“The alarm was raised at 5am this morning during the storm,” PC Flegg told us. “We had calls from several concerned residents who say the recycling boxes were taking up ‘a combat position’ in the middle of the road.