Tag Archives: pork

Pig reveals all in kiss and tell exposé

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Ham Fisted

The pig at the centre of the David Cameron scandal has broken her silence in an exclusive kiss and squeal interview.

Under the alias ‘Margaret’ she said that she wanted to get things straight, “Something Mr Cameron had no trouble doing in his student days”.

 

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‘No cure’ for addiction to cold turkey

Connor Harris seen leaving the doctor’s surgery today.

You are what you eat.  This is Connor Harris.

Harold GP Dr Evans has warned that no cure may ever be found for a patient’s addiction to cold turkey.

Fifteen-year-old local lad Connor Harris was already obese due a junk-food obsession. But his life took a dramatic turn last Christmas when he started ‘experimenting’ with cold turkey late on Christmas Day. By Boxing Day, his addiction was cemented.

“There was certainly an element of social pressure that fateful evening,” said Dr Evans, “but it was mainly down to his personal desire to consume a savoury snack at precisely the moment his mum handed him a plate of cold turkey.”

“Personally, I’ve had enough turkey for one year after cooking the basted thing,” said Connor’s mum Ange Harris, “but, as Dr Evans has explained, it depends on whether the individual carries the cold turkey addiction gene.”

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Sizzling bacon flavour air freshener proving popular with laundry workers

They contain dangerous toxins and absolutely NO fresh air.

They contain dangerous toxins and absolutely NO fresh air.

Harold inventor Simon Delaney’s new household sprays have brought a ‘breath of fresh air into our homes’.  That’s the verdict on Simon’s new range of pork-based air fresheners given by workers at Dunstable Cotton Laundry.

“I work all day in an atmosphere of freshly-laundered cotton,” said Marge Pellet, “so the last thing I need when I get home is to find my husband has sprayed the entire bungalow with Tesco’s Cotton Fresh air spray.  Men, eh?”

But Delaney’s new Frying Rindless Back Rashers flavour air freshener has brought Marge a new sense of joy when she returns from work and may even have saved her marriage.  “I used to linger outside, picking up twigs and straightening the bins, but now I catch that distinctive whiff of a bacon butty coming down the path and I can’t wait to get indoors and sink my teeth into something meaty,” she said.

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