Mrs May told parliament today she is perfectly within her rights to take a dump on Jeremy Corbyn’s head in the interests of protecting the nation.
“I have a much better speaking voice than the Leader of the Opposition,” she told the Commons, “and I’m far more mature than him, even though he’s a bit older than me. Not only that, but I’m Prime Minister, which he is not, so I can do what I like, including doing a poo-poo on his head if I choose.” Continue reading
Local cat, hatching a ‘stink vole’.
A sandpit that’s as popular with local cats as it is with the school children of Harold has been awarded ‘blue flag’ status.
Beach scientists sifted through the 3 metre by 2 metre site, using their toes and EC-standard flip-flops.
With a clear pass for oil spills and only one sticky penguin found, the team praised the sand for its relative freshness.
“It’s a wonderful eco system, the top inch was relatively barren, but below that, we found some furry, brown ‘stink voles’ that were flourishing” said team leader Nate Grimshaw.
The smell of Christmas
A Christmas attraction designed by Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen has closed down after only ten minutes following a flood of complaints.
Visitors to The Magical World of Poo near the village of Harold said it was far from magical, with piles of excrement everywhere and Father Christmas handing out cheap shiny toilet paper “like they used to have at school”.
The few paying customers before the site’s hasty closure in a police raid said their children had been left in tears. One said it “ruined the magic of Christmas”.
“We were so excited about the World of Poo, the kids have been hopping up and down all week,” said an unhappy visitor.
“But we got here, and, well, not to put too fine a point on it, it was full of poo!” he complained. “I could have knocked that out in my back garden, if I wasn’t constipated.”
Neanderthal man: hunter gathering no excuse for bad skin.
Just days after the revelation that neanderthals ate salad, archeologists have unearthed an ancient hemp bag full of male vanity products.
The shoulder bag features exquisite stitching on the shoulder strap and a pouch for some tweezers. The team think the items inside were used for daily rituals, and may give clues as to how our ancestors died out.
“These people obviously took male grooming seriously”, said researcher Karl Fronzt. “We found this in an area with a high density of discarded woolen swabs and an earthenware pot full of chlorine.”
“That points to a highly evolved society that wasn’t afraid to suffer for beauty. It’s clear to me that this area was used for anal bleaching.”