“For political service”
David Cameron has been accused of ‘tainting’ the New Year’s Honours List, after it emerged that the majority of honours recipients are actually pigs who have ‘done favours’ for the Conservative Party.
It is traditional for the political party in power to reward those donors who have paid handsomely for the privilege, but the sheer scale of the pig count this year was a surprise to many. Of the 1196 names on the list, 874 were found on close inspection to be members of the pig family, including 68 wild boars and a warthog.
Most of these were knighted, but a sizeable contingent received OBEs, while the warthog was made a Dame.
It is believed that every single ennobled pig was connected romantically in some way with a Conservative minister, with the exception of ‘Wilbur’ from Charlotte’s Web, who was made a Lord on the strength of his charity work. Continue reading
Filed under Politics, Sex
Respect your Prime Minister: don’t even think it.
Tory MPs working on their end of year constituency newsletter have been warned by Number 10 that any mention of pigs will result in their resignation. A leaked document from the Cabinet Office states “…our party and the Prime Minister have made headlines for many good reasons such as [fill in later] and [well, I don’t know, has anyone checked Wikipedia?] so there’s no need to mention anything outside of this. Especially outside in the farmyard.” Continue reading
“You certainly have a visually appealing mouth.”
Burt Reynolds fans have complained that a ‘Deliverance’ remake will be ‘too dark’ if it moves from the Cahulawassee River to the Thames.
“I loved the original”, said Harold’s Phil Evans. “But in the new one, the bit where the two dead pigs land their canoe on the banks of Westminster makes me feel a bit uncomfortable.”
“Sure, it’s an isolated community, and you’d expect them to get up to some weird stuff. But in reality, would the inbreds really go that far?”
Grylls demonstrates his new bouquet garni rucksack.
TV adventurer and annoying twat Bear Grylls was at the centre of an animal cruelty row last night as it emerged he was specially shipped to an island to be slaughtered by contestants on his show for “entertainment”.
Viewers were distressed by the scene in which the sleeping Bear was captured and killed on camera.
Animal rights campaigners claim the Bear was not afraid of people, and would not have run away when threatened.
They contain dangerous toxins and absolutely NO fresh air.
Harold inventor Simon Delaney’s new household sprays have brought a ‘breath of fresh air into our homes’. That’s the verdict on Simon’s new range of pork-based air fresheners given by workers at Dunstable Cotton Laundry.
“I work all day in an atmosphere of freshly-laundered cotton,” said Marge Pellet, “so the last thing I need when I get home is to find my husband has sprayed the entire bungalow with Tesco’s Cotton Fresh air spray. Men, eh?”
But Delaney’s new Frying Rindless Back Rashers flavour air freshener has brought Marge a new sense of joy when she returns from work and may even have saved her marriage. “I used to linger outside, picking up twigs and straightening the bins, but now I catch that distinctive whiff of a bacon butty coming down the path and I can’t wait to get indoors and sink my teeth into something meaty,” she said.