Would anyone else be happier to find a kitten in there?
Local scientists Dr John Goody and Dr Rachel Guest are being hailed as heroes today having successfully reinvented the jumble giblets so they’re now much more pleasing.
“It’s not just the penis,” Dr Guest explained. “Although that took the most time, using DNA manipulation we’ve reinvented the whole collection of objects so they now have greatly improved functionality and a far more pleasing design. No longer will male genitalia look like something you’d hit with your spade or cover up with your bucket out of fear if you found them while rock-pooling at the beach.” Continue reading
At last, both hands free!
Following the successful launch of the self-driving car, Google announced today the prototype of the self-jerking penis, a landmark in automatic genital manipulation which will allow users to bring themselves to shuddering climax with no actual manual intervention.
After research showed that virtually 100% of search engine requests were from young men seeking pictures of boobies, the tech giant realised the enormous productivity gains which could be achieved by simply connecting the male organ directly to the internet and controlling up and down movements and tightness of grip by following a complex algorithm personalised for each user.
“We believe Google Toss (TM) will ensure unparalleled levels of efficiency, pleasure and safety for the masturbatory experience,” explained Gordon Renfrew, Vice Present for the internet of rude things at Google. “The self-jerking penis will free up up least 50% of the population to do more useful things, like changing gear or steering the car.”
With Max Clifford being found guilty on several counts of indecent assault, the main star of the trial, his small penis, has said it will write a book about it’s experiences and go on a book signing tour.
“Having a little cock attached to you is hard to live with, especially when that cock is Max,” Little Clifford said outside court.
The size of Clifford’s penis size was called into question during the trial, with it being described as ‘very small’.
Police in Harold have warned the public to be on the look out for an escaped six foot animatronic penis. The man-sized phallus is not thought to be dangerous but does have a tendency to spout some unsavoury stuff from its head.
The penis was constructed by Harold Technologies Ltd and designed to help artificially inseminate elephants as part of a nature conservation project however there appears to be a fault in the programming.