George the tortoise: “That bearded prick off the TV”
Noel Edmonds is cautiously optimistic about his new ‘motivational speaking for pets’ service after a pondful of Japanese Koi Carp sang f*ck off” at him in three-part harmony.
George, an elderly tortoise in the same garden, referred to him as “that bearded prick off TV”.
Categoric proof that there is no God.
A national experiment has shown that the lingering presence of Noel Edmonds disproves the existence of ‘Cosmic Ordering’.
Cosmic Ordering is the practice of writing down a list of things that you want, and then waiting for them to arrive.
Yet despite nearly 38% of the population jotting down “make Edmonds piss off”, the suspiciously dark-bearded pillock is still here.
Edmonds claimed the bodies were there ‘by chance’.
Police have uncovered the bodies of ‘more than 50’ ungrateful gameshow contestants in the grounds of a castle belonging to Noel Edmonds.
Following a tip-off, officers began digging in the 120 hectare ‘garden of dreams’, and rapidly unearthed a number of makeshift coffins.
Daubed in red paint, their lids scratched with crude numbers, one theory is that the occupants shared a mutual lack of gratitude towards their one-time host.
“Officers are piecing the evidence together, but this is one of the worst game-show related massacres I’ve attended in nearly 3 months”, declared PC Flegg. “Who knows who we’ll find next? Let’s open that one…wait, I’ve changed my mind, I’ve got a good feeling about number 14.”
‘Owning Edmonds would be a dream come true’ claimed Blobby.
A secretive enormous lump of wobbling pink latex has revealed plans to ‘buy Noel Edmonds’ in order to improve television immeasurably.
Known only as ‘Mr Blobby’, the mysterious investor claimed ‘Edmonds is broken’ and that allowing him to continue was ‘sleep-walking towards disaster’.
The value of Noel Edmonds is extremely hard to measure, particularly in terms of talent, intelligence and likeability. But somehow, Mr Blobby hopes to scrape together around £1.50, which should more than cover the cost of his total assets.
As with more cherished institutions, Noel Edmonds is thought ripe for asset stripping. Small, tidy beards are considered a delicacy in Vietnam, and an ounce of Edmonds’ gall bladder bile is used to enhance insincerity in remote Chinese villages.