One small drop for the NHS, one giant leap for the National Debt.
A Department of Health proposal to reclassify homeopathy as pure cuckoo and so exclude it from NHS spending has come under fire from the alternative therapies industry.
The Department of Health says that there is no scientific evidence to support homeopathy as an effective form of medical treatment and it must be removed entirely from NHS spending. But that is missing the whole point, says local alternative practitioner George Tredinnick.
“It’s a complete category error to want to apply scientific principles to homeopathy, which by its very nature relies on Belief in Magic,” he said. “Unfortunately, Government Ministers have not one tiny drop of imagination between them.”
“Hang on a minute, it’s ALL sugar???”
Following the news that homeopathic ‘treatments’ may be added to the list of ineffective things that doctors are not allowed to prescribe, fans of the sugar pills with nothing else in them have started to realise that the technique may be ‘bollocks’, it emerged today.
The controversial practice is based on the concept that easily-led people are likely to pay for anything which sounds cosmic, but the most ardent adherents are now noticing that even after much expense, they still seem to have hayfever, cancer or the clap. Continue reading
Consulting new spirit guide ‘Chree-Shwa-Dell’ (check this)
Former Tottenham playmaker and mystic Glenn Hoddle has controversially claimed that the reason for the side’s current lack of footballing health can be explained by the bad form of the club in its previous incarnations.
In remarks certain to infuriate many, the ex-Spur insisted to journalists today that the principles of “soccarma” meant that the previous decades of poor performance have had the effect of condemning the current generation of players to the limbo of mid-table obscurity. Continue reading
It may look like there is nothing here, but this photo has the ‘memory’ of a picture of the last homeopathy convention
Homeopathy practitioners working for the NHS have voted underwhelming to strike over proposed pension reform. Currently practitioners save for their estimated 25 years of retirement, by contributing 0.02% of their annual salary. However the Government is now asking them to ‘increase their dilution’ to 0.04%.
Critics have said the turnout for strike ballot was too low to make the action legal. However Angela Blue-sky, head of The Homeopathy Union explained “we wanted to ballot our membership of over 3000 practitioners over possible action, but to send the loudest message to the government we decided to ask just one member for maximum effect.” Continue reading
A single, measly measle
In response to news of a Rubeola epidemic, local Homeopath George Tredinnick has isolated a single measle, and plans to drop it down Harold’s water well.
With the MMR jab refusing to protect those that didn’t benefit from it, Tredinnick claims that the current crisis calls for ‘something more potent, with the sort of strength that comes from watering it down’.
“According to my homeopathic principles, slipping just half a measle down the village pump could protect the residents of our community”, revealed Tredinnick.
“In fact dilution is key, so almost not adding a measle is even better. I could leave it in a beaker, somewhere close to the well.”