Tag Archives: HMRC

Tables turn as HMRC accused of tax dodge


A typical wad of cash.

HMRC’s accounts have come under scrutiny by EU tax officials, who allege jiggery-pokey and unpaid duties.

Clothing imports from China have been grossly undervalued in HMRC’s books, claims the EU, demanding £2.4bn in extra tax.

HMRC say they have a problem accessing the data just now, as unfortunately their dog ate the USB memory stick and the back-up drive has been mislaid in a snowdrift.  They’re trying to get copies of their bank statements but the internet is a bit unreliable round their way and mail doesn’t always get through in bad weather.

Harold builder Herbert Fork, who’s been done for tax a few times, says he offers his sympathies to HMRC.

“I know what you go through when you get turned over by the VAT man,” he empathised.

“I just hope they don’t nearly have a heart attack during the investigation and that it can get sorted within a couple of years and not drag on and on until they’ve almost lost the will to live. You’ve got to feel for them.”

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Late Tax Return fine elevates Corbyn to Total Hero status


Just an ordinary taxpayer.

Millions of people were celebrating last night after hearing the news that Jeremy Corbyn was fined £100 for a late Tax Return.

“Unlike Cameron, Corbyn only had one box to fill in,” said a tax expert, “but he despises all aspects of capitalism and fascist tax collectors in particular and basically couldn’t give a monkey’s nuts about their deadlines.  The man is Legend.”

“He had from early April until the end of the following January to submit his Tax Return,” explained local accountant Geoffrey King. “It’s a remarkable level of procrastination, normally only achievable by ordinary, hard-working people.  No wonder his popularity is on the increase.”

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HMRC wins “Missing Woods for Trees” award after cracking down on eBay users rather than eBay itself

"Trees, I see lots and lots of trees"

“Trees, I see lots and lots of trees”

HMRC have scooped the prestigious ‘Missing Woods for the Trees’ award after launching a huge crackdown on people who make money buying and selling on eBay, while simultaneously failing to notice that there is an entity called eBay avoiding zillions in tax.

The eBay seller crackdown is expected to be followed by an HMRC campaign to tax beggars collecting money in Starbucks cups.
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British-born jihadists using Syria as a tax haven

Opening a tax return form from HMRC HMRC has waded into the war on terrorism claiming that many of the British-born jihadists are basing themselves in Syria as part of a global tax dodging scheme.

“Fundraising for IS, al-Qaeda or Boko Haram is not only morally wrong, but by moving their jihadi activity offshore they are effectively robbing the treasury of some much-needed revenue,” the Taxpayers’ Alliance said

“How can we stop radicalisation if these terrorists aren’t paying their dues?”
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HMRC attempt to attract celebrities by applying for charitable status


Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs have announced the are to apply for charitable status in an attempt to get “celebrities” to pay some contribution towards society.

The move comes as Gary Barlow joins Jimmy Carr and Chris Moyles to be threatened with the naughty step over their dubious tax affairs.

Lin Homer, chief executive of HMRC explained: “Trying to get these wealthy people to pay their fair share is impossible. We’re sure it’s because you don’t get any publicity for filling in a self assessment form.
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HMRC try new technique for collecting corporation tax; begging.


The irony of collecting tax in a Starbucks cup was lost on this tax collector

Corporation tax has long been a contentious issue politically, with HMRC doing their best to get multi-national companies to pay the correct levels of tax owed. These tactics have ranged from taking company directors out to dinner to the more drastic action of asking them really nicely.

Now HMRC have announced they are to try a new approach to collecting the millions of pounds owed to the public purse; begging.

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Local accountancy firm gearing up for their January Sale


For a wad of grubby lucre, he won’t keep going on about profit margins, depreciation and capital allowances.

It’s the time of year when many self-employed people start to panic about the January Tax Return deadline.

“They catch me out every year, sneaking their brown oblong envelope in among the Christmas cards,” said Pippa Delaney, owner of Veggie! Veggie! Veggie! in Harold.  “How jolly nice of HMRC to send me a seasonal payslip.”

But help is now at hand with a local accountancy firm getting ready for their January Sale.  “We’ve got loads of special offers lined up,” said Geoffrey King, of King’s Counting House, “and some real bargains in our Down A Bit On Last Year range of simplified Tax Returns and, for the client whose dog chewed up his business records, our unique Sounds About Right range of off-the-peg accounts.”
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