Rare sighting of a shoal of soy sauce fish
The World Wide Fund for Nature has announced that the tiny Soy Sauce fish has become an endangered species.
Once common with every sushi meal, the fish has been, ..well … fished to the very edge of extinction according to experts who spent several months trawling the oceans for specimens but failed to catch a single one of the petite bottle nosed fish.
“Only a total ban on fishing can bring any hope of restoring stocks,” said one boffin. “We appreciate that this will have an impact on the Japanese diet especially, but I’m sure they will be able to adapt. Personally, I find salt and vinegar goes really well with cod so it should be fine with sushi.” Continue reading
PC Flegg has revealed that her investigations into Harold’s deadly aquarium have found the reason why so few fish survived in the new exhibit. Working with local fish expert Stephen Trawlerman and some tip-offs from Facebook, the culprit can finally be revealed.
“Asking Trawlerman to help proved to be a mistake”, said Flegg. “His experience with fish proved to be of little help.” Trawlerman is well known as the owner of local chip shop ‘The Stephen Fryer’, but Flegg admits resident marine biologist Simon Parsons might have been a better advisor.
After extensive laboratory tests and thorough phorensic investigations, the breakthrough came from Lynda Mulrooney. Thanks to her ‘back-to-basics’ approach, the reason for the fish deaths was a complete absence of water.
“We’ve filled the tanks with sparkling Evian now, nothing is too good for a fish living in Harold”, said Flegg.
“Although in hindsight, looking after exotic animals might be beyond that idot Trawlerman. We’re currently trying to undrown his pet iguana.”
Congratulations, Lynda Mulrooney! You are Harold’s No.1 Top Detective! A binful of rotting fish is winging its way to you, so you might want to pretend to be out.
Can you help balance the scales of justice?
A new village aquarium is already facing closure, after the majority of its exhibits were found dead.
Built with money from a European grant to put ‘a big fish tank in every community’, Harold’s ‘See Sealife’ Centre was intended to be the jewel in the parish council’s crown. But just hours after opening, fish of all sizes were found to be ‘lifeless and somewhat pungent’, and PC Flegg suspects there could be foul play at work.
Archive ‘tablet and gravy compatible’
A contract to archive Britain’s Most Online Regional Newspaper has been won by local chip shop owner Stephen Trawlerman.
Back-up versions of the Evening Harold will be kept safe for future generations, in a specially labelled ‘electric area’ at the back of ‘The Stephen Fryer’.
Cllr Ron Ronsson welcomed Harold’s niche on the world wide internet, claiming it would be ‘immensly good’ for local tourism. “With his easy talk of clouds, terry gigaflops and 40 pence for a tray of scraps, there’s no doubt in my mind that I’d like a saveloy with that”, claimed Ronsson.
Grand National 2013 – your guide to the runners and riders, from the Evening Harold’s own racing correspondent!
This year looks like being the most open Grand National for a while, with a mixture of sad puns and frankly disgusting rudeness battling it out over the famous 84 furlongs. But who to bet on? Well, that’s the whole bloody point, isn’t it? So let’s meet the horses.
Jockey: P. Yaffle
Sure to win “Best Turned Out”, but does the 43 year old filly still have what it takes to go the distance? No.
Odds: Gabriel the Toad
Our verdict: Mouse organ
The villagers of Harold have reacted angrily to news that their local chippy has been fobbing them off with batter-encrusted flip-flops.
Until the scandal, ‘The Stephen Fryer’ had been held in high regard locally, for its cleverly evasive word-play on the Perspex menu board.
“Everyone knows you don’t really want to know what you’re getting, if you order a saveloy or the ‘southern-fried bites’”, said Cllr Ron Ronsson.
“And it’s common knowledge that you should never just order the ‘fish’, because that’s battered paper towels that Stephen wipes the wobbly bits from his hands on.”