It’s my country and I’ll cry if I want to ..
Alex Salmond has hailed victory in the Referendum claiming that every vote cast was actually in favour of Scottish Independence. Although the YES votes only totalled 45%, the First Minster said it was perfectly clear to him that those voting NO intended to vote against remaining in the UK, giving the SNP 100% in total.
The beleaguered SNP leader hit upon this latest strategy following David Cameron’s refusal to fight for it in the traditional Scottish way, in a dimly lit Glasgow car park.
“So far as I’m concerned, no one in their right mind would vote to remain in the United Kingdom,” he said defiantly, “so unless you’re accusing the Scottish electorate of lunacy, then it stands to reason that those who apparently voted ‘No’ must have misunderstood the ballot paper and meant ‘No” to the UK.” Continue reading
Despite omnipotence, God may still need to rely on coalition with Nick Clegg.
Omnipotent Christian deity God has spent the day changing some faces in his cabinet in the first reshuffle for over 2000 years. Many involved are household names and the shake up is seen as significant on earth as it is in heaven.
The big loser is God’s long time wing man Jesus of Nazareth, whose coveted position of ‘sitting at the right hand of God’ has gone to Princess Diana. The heavenly father has recently faced fresh accusations of nepotism as well as a failure to represent females in positions of power, and has seemingly smote two birds with one stone.
A bait child practices being attractive to wasps
With just two days to go until the Annual Harold Wasp Festival, organizers are dusting off their tennis racquets and polishing their jam traps.
And thanks to a winter breeding programme in the loft of the local pub, their are hopes that this year could break the 1976 record.
“Back then, we took our seasonal wasp genocide for granted”, explained legendary ‘wasp whisperer’ John Horse. “We downed more than 1,200 of the little buggers before Saturday lunchtime. Barely a bee was bruised but the jaspers were littering the streets. I’ve still got my commemorative rolled-up programme.”