At last, protection
Donald Trump has been heavily criticised by hard-line Republicans for performing an early termination of his abortion policy today.
Trump’s latest indiscretion, in which he proposed that women having abortions should be punished, came out of the blue and was seen by many close friends and family as deeply embarrassing.
The policy, which was unplanned, is believed to have been the result of a one-night drop in the polls which Trump would rather put behind him.
“It’s my policy and I should be allowed to do what I want with it,” he insisted. “I won’t have a bunch of journalists who aren’t even politicians telling me what to do with my decision-making apparatus.”
After the Pope’s softening of opposition to contraception, the newly-created Vatican Rubber Company has rushed out a new range of condoms for the discerning Catholic – “Papal Bulls’.
A spokesman said the new condoms offered a unique blend of security, sensation and spiritual guidance, and were available in ‘Trinity-sized’ packs of three from machines inside every confessional booth.
For extra protection, each deluxe latex prophylactic comes pre-blessed with a Hail Mary.
“People may be surprised to see the Vatican embracing condom use,” explained official spokesman Reverend Father Federico “Johnny” Lombardi.
“But sex has become very much part ot the Catholic brand. We’d be crazy not to cash in, if only to raise some money for all the lawsuits we’re facing.”
“We think our branding has the rugged but sensual feel so common in the priesthood these days. We’ve listened to the people, done our research, and the people have told us that when you say ‘priest’, they think ‘bull’.”
Despite the massive marketing push, initial sales have disappointingly slow, according to the first sales figures.
The Vatican admitted this was confusing, asking “What in heaven could be putting people off using holy condoms?”
* thanks to Gareth Child – he knows why…
Filed under News, Religion, Sex
Is that a Yoda in your pocket? Or do you have a serious medical condition?
Disney has admitted that their Star Wars franchise may have cocked up, as it rolled out a new light saber condom.
Available in Jedi Green, or red for those who want to explore the dark side, the prophylactic is lubricated to reduce science friction.
But consumer groups have complained that the sheath is a wholly inappropriate way to get inside fans and build excitement about the franchise.