“…the ever-popular loss of inhibitions…”
Harold Council has warned shoppers to beware of fake Vodka, which can seriously damage health.
“This so-called ‘Vodka’ contains chemicals of some sort, which affect the decision-making frontal lobe of the brain,” said Councillor Ron Ronsson.
“Short-term effects include loss of inhibitions, dizziness, nausea, coma and even death. Also, it has a ‘metallic’ after-taste if you get stuck into a second bottle. So I’m told.” Continue reading
There was widespread relief today after alcohol experts confirmed that the strict new guidelines apply to other people, not you.
The wholly unrealistic new medical advice states that people are allowed only a miserly 14 units a week – equivalent to roughly a thimbleful of weak lager. There would be no possibility of sticking to this meagre ration, but fortunately it is only necessary for other people to do so, as it doesn’t apply to you. Continue reading
Filed under Health, idiots, News
Dry January: it never stops feeling like this
As the newly sober enter the fifth day of Dry January many have spoken of their horror at discovering that the world is at best like a long day trip to a pathetic waxworks where every single model has the face of the ex you most regret.
“I tried relaxing after work,” villager Jane Hough told us. “And ended up watching an entire episode of the One Show without the fluffy mind-shield that is a nice glass of red. For the first time I really listened to Alex Jones and Matt Baker and now I feel so dreadfully hollow.” Continue reading
A man who attempted to acquire a glass of red wine in the Squirrel Lickers Arms has been barred for a year, and given a verbal lashing by the landlord.
Mick Clarkson knew the rules when he entered the snug, but felt emboldened after reading an article on ‘creeping gentrification’.
“I’m on some tablets at the moment and the doctor said I mustn’t drink with them”, explained Clarkson. “But wine’s not really drinking, is it? It’s more or less runny jam.”
“Cheers to everyone who isn’t called Boris or Nigel.”
Don’t look at this picture if you’re at work, it could render you too intoxicated to carry on
Stringent new rules on alcohol are set to be introduced including health warnings on bottles, and visualising a pint while behind the wheel being enough to put you over the drink-drive limit. Continue reading
Filed under Health, Politics
Cornish pirates are renowned for their correct pronunciation.
Viewers are furious that a show about the Jamaica Inn contained incoherent mumbling, gurgling sounds and other fairly common pub noises.
In one scene, the barman Joss Merlyn explained something really earnestly and slowly just using vowels, as he attempted to sit carefully on the fire.
‘Erm a pira’, said Joss. ‘AAAAARRR! y’now. A pir. afur afurki pir. A PIRA! AAAAAARRR JIM LAD.’
At this point, his brother Jem aggressively disagreed with him, stating ‘ba..b…bullo’s. yerr a f…f…a big f**kern PIRATE.’
Others attempted to balance things on their face, and a young extra soiled themselves and then found it funny.
Recent news of a global wine shortage has caused a panic among the general population, with supermarkets reporting panic-buying of Blue Nun and cross-channel ferries to France fully booked with people desperately trying to stock up to beat the crisis.
But it doesn’t have to be like this. There are other ways to escape the crushing reality of your daily life without wine, and you don’t even have to resort to hallucinogenic drugs. A number of other alcoholic drinks, which are not in short supply, will complement your meals just as well as your favourite wine, and give you that same warm, fuzzy glow that helps you to forget how awful your job is. Harold’s favourite tramp, John Horse, takes you through some of the alternatives: Continue reading
Filed under Lifestyle, News