Tony Blair helping some children, yesterday.
A children’s charity that presented Tony Blair with a Legacy Award has blamed the mistake on associations with a group advocating childhood bombing.
“Save The Children” is traditionally linked with preserving and improving the lives of children, a move clearly at odds with the achievements of the former Prime Minister.
“Sadly, we have somehow become entangled with the organisation “Bomb The Children”, admitted spokesman Eric Blunkett. “A charity that works tirelessly to drop heavy ordnance on towns and villages where young people live.”
“We’re not sure how this mistake happened, but on reflection we’ve agreed that bombing children is a mistake. Our latest research suggests it’s almost entirely detrimental.”
In a British tradition that dates back to the very early days of travelling, after finally leaving Camp Bastion following 13 years of war in Afghanistan, British troops had to make an embarrassing u-turn and go back to the base to check they hadn’t left the gas on.
Everything had gone according to plan with a flag lowering ceremony attended by dignitaries in front of the world’s media, and then the last troops leaving the base in an operation involving 17 waves of helicopters and planes departing marking the end of our presence in the country.
However on the plane home someone asked the question ‘did you turn the gas off?’
If the Taliban steal the British Army’s kittens as well then polls indicate that 98% of us would advocate the use of nuclear weapons.
Britain has become overwhelmingly pro-war overnight following the news that the Taliban has kidnapped one of the British Army’s bomb disposal dogs after it was loaned to US Special Forces.
“I didn’t really care about the war,” said Harold resident Melanie Delaney. “I’m mean it’s been going on for so long, like I was in junior school when it started, but now the Taliban have kidnapped a dog we should totally kill them all.” Continue reading
Filed under Defence, News
Orphans in jumpers for goalposts.
With the Afghanistan war shuffling slowly towards extra time, Defence Secretary Philip Hammond thinks it could end in every UK soldier’s worst nightmare – sudden death penalties.
“Having been there longer than World Wars I and II, Suez & the Falklands combined, the lads would’ve liked to bring home the silverware”, said Hammond. “Perhaps a victorious march up The Mall in autumn sunshine with cheering crowds and a Spitfire flypast. Realistically, we’ll probably have to slip in to Portsmouth as runners-up. After midnight. In late November.”
Nevertheless, Hammond, formerly global sales ambassador for Mogadon, rejected rumours of despondency amongst the troops. “True, our guys get a little twitchy when an Afghan Policeman has a pop with a semi-automatic and scores another own goal. There’s usually no real malice though. So we just shake hands. Then send a cruise missile to his family’s next wedding ‘by mistake’! It’s just a bit of banter between professionals really.”
All fixed now…Hague rides the popular petrol flume
Just 12 short years after the invasion of Afghanistan, William Hague has announced that the country is now ‘safe enough to take a nice, restful holiday in’.
With power being handed over to the Taliban in a traditional NATO ‘Washing of the Hands’ ceremony, Hague revealed that the first Kabul Butlins will open in a fortnight.
“It’s an all-inclusive resort, although that doesn’t include women”, revealed Hague. “You have to make some concessions to local brutal beliefs.”
Few would have thought that when the country was first bombed back to the stone age that it would claw its way up to a medieval state quite so quickly. But Hague insists Kabul itself is now ‘fewer than 100 years behind resorts such as Guantanamo, Somalia or Rhyl’.
Clegg, Cable and Alexander await release
After Amnesty International described it as ‘unlawful detention’, the UK government has agreed to release its Lib Dem detainees. Believed to have been captured around the time of the 2010 election, the prisoners led by Nick Clegg have been ritually humiliated.
Defence Secretary Philip Hammond explained “these detainees were originally held for strategic purposes. Although some say it goes against the Geneva Convention, Clegg has proven himself to be a very useful human shield.”
Records show that the use of Lib Dem’s ended ‘many months ago’, yet David Cameron has decided to keep them locked up in coalition, a move the International Red Cross has called barbaric. However Mr Hammond defended his leader’s decision claiming he “could not guarantee the Lib Dem’s safety if they were handed back over to the public.”
The prison camp is believed to be located within the confines of 10 Downing Street, but those being held captive have only recently been able to get access to a lawyer to represent them. With many claiming this representation should have been offered at the tax payer’s expense long before now, the Defence Secretary told us that it had in fact been offered many times over a year ago.
The new summer pest that’s harder to ignore than midges.
Harold was plunged into fear and confusion last night when it was repeatedly buzzed by military drones. “It was horrible,’ said villager, Carly Jeffery. ‘I was in the beer garden of the Squirrel Lickers and suddenly there were these massive planes swooping down on us. They were so low that some people got disorientated and fell over. Or that could have been due to the guest ale. I’m not sure Toss Goblin agreed with many people, it was pretty strong.”
After repeatedly circling and descending on the village the drones disappeared leaving a trail of disruption in their wake that saw llamas escaping from the animal sanctuary and going on the rampage across the recreation ground, soufflé’s collapsing in Veggie! Veggie! Veggie! and reports of serious unrest coming from the dogging community. Continue reading
This soldier praised for resisting the urge to shoot
A decision to allow both Harold’s branch of the Territorial Army and the village’s morris dancers to share use of the village hall is to be reviewed. This follows a transportation error which saw the whole flange of morris dancers deployed to Kabul, Afghanistan.
The jingling hanky wavers were due to travel from the hall to Sidcup for the National Prancing Championships. Unfortunately a coach was also due at the hall to take the TA to RAF Brize Norton to fly out to the war-zone and take up a combat role against the Taliban, a coach the morris men accidentally but keenly boarded.
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