In a tragic accident, Britain’s first lady thatcher died this morning while working on the roof of Rose Cottage in the village of Harold.
Witnesses say Margaret Dennis appeared to be surprised by the sound of gunshot coming from all directions, which turned out to be a gun salute from a ceremonial funeral being watched on TV by half the village’s inhabitants. Continue reading
The 23rd annual Harold Masters Pitch & Putt golf tournament reached a thrilling climax earlier today with a threat of sudden death as competitors’ mothers squared up to each other.
The Harold Masters, played over nine holes on the council course between the rec and the crem, was originally played by the men of the village but had to stop when it became over-competitive. Players constantly fought to outdo each other with the worst outfit, and eventually the increasingly-loud plaid trousers, garish Pringle sweaters, two-tone shoes and leather gloves began to frighten the horses in a nearby field.
Pop star Madonna was accused today of expecting the village of Harold to ‘roll out a red carpet and blast a 21-gun salute in her honour’.
The spat occurred after the 54-year-old self-publicist and her entourage arrived in a motorcade of black-windowed Range Rovers, demanding to see the fruits of the altruistic gesture she displayed during an accidental visit to Harold in 2006.
Harold’s Mayor, Rufus D Jackson, said that when Madonna had found herself in Harold after taking a wrong turning during the Confessions tour, she had been accosted by a fund-raiser for a Lifeboats flag day. Continue reading
Vikki, 19, with the axe
Building work on a new development of twelve badly-needed speculator starter homes was brought to a halt yesterday after an ancient axe was found at the site of the old West Station in the village of Harold.
Contractors initially thought they had made a find to match the discovery of Richard III’s skeleton under a Leicester car park and called in archaeologists, but the find was found to date back only 50 years to when the infamous Dr Beeching was putting the finishing touches to his destruction of Britain’s railway branch lines.
Jersey has already said ‘no’
The normally peaceful village of Harold was thrown into turmoil last week when Gill Gates, manager of local estate agents Lacrymans & Co, revealed that Rose Cottage, a character period property in a sought-after position with excellent access to all amenities, was being purchased by a DCI Tom Barnaby, formerly of Causton, Midsomer.