Tag Archives: Glasgow

by | November 12, 2015 · 2:08 pm

Ebola nurse urges Glaswegians to stop eating bush meat

Risky, but at least it's not salad.

Risky, but at least it’s not salad.

A nurse who was cured of ebola, only to contract it again on returning to Scotland, has urged Glaswegians to stop eating bush meat.

Morag McClough had been working in Sierra Leone when she first contracted the disease, where she was treating people who had been infected after eating tainted chimp meat.

But after being cured, McClough caught it again on her return to Glasgow, possibly from a very, very similar source.

“That’ll teach me to forage for native species, armed only with a blow pipe”, quipped McClough. “But in all seriousness, I only ordered a skinny capuchin without any shots, from a slightly dodgy-looking street café.”
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by | July 28, 2014 · 3:10 pm

Youth club funding cuts ‘a threat to Commonwealth table tennis competition’.

20140728-150836-54516510.jpgCommonwealth table tennis is in danger of falling standards and possible extinction if cuts to youth clubs continue, an insider told us.

Sipping on a can of Coke and chewing on a pack of Haribo during a high level training session at Harold Youth Club, an up and coming player explained a decline in youth clubs across the country would see minority sports such as table tennis, table football, and priest evading disappear.

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by | July 24, 2014 · 7:00 am

Scotland expecting everybody to make a big fuss over their sports day

usain bolt

Sorry Usain, daddy couldn’t make it.

Scotland are holding a huge sports day in Glasgow and for some reason expect this to be of great interest to people, and for spectators to consist of more than just the parents and teachers of the competitors.

Traditional sports day events such as the egg and spoon race, three-legged race and tug-of-war have been replaced with a load of cycling and running and stuff, and people are being asked to pay for tickets. Continue reading →

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by | July 17, 2014 · 11:00 am

Commonwealth Games athlete claims early sprint record after norovirus outbreak

An Indian weightlifter checks out the facilities

An Indian weightlifter checks out the facilities

An outbreak  of norovirus at the Commonwealth Games Athletes Village has been welcomed by British sprinters keen to get in a little extra practice before the start of the extravaganza.

According to England’s top 100 metre specialist Kyra Dongle, ranked 867th in the world, athletes should grasp every opportunity to get in some extra training. “You have to remain positive,” she said from behind a locked toilet door. “The rushes to the bathroom are definitely sharpening my sprint starts.” Continue reading →

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by | July 3, 2014 · 7:00 am

Glasgow tackles health crisis with heroin/fast food fusion cooking

fat junk

If only they could meet in the middle.

Glasgow could tackle its current health crisis by dropping an ‘either/or’ approach to heroin and yellow food that comes from the chip shop.

That’s the claim of a dietician who is trying to find out why so many Glaswegians are morbidly obese, despite the widespread availability of skag.

“I visited the morgue and was quietly poking a fat corpse when someone told me that the city was awash with diacetylmorphine”, said Dr Charlotte Bainbrough.

“At first I thought ‘Does that mean heroin is fattening?’ but then remembered it probably wasn’t. Could the problem be a lack of dietary balance?”
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by | November 7, 2013 · 7:00 am

Sadness as UK loses capacity to build massive, deadly warships

ship

The thought of not being able to do this is too much for many to bear.

Politicians of all persuasions have spoken of their sadness that the UK can no longer build as many massive, deadly warships as it once did.

Massive, deadly warships have been a traditional part of British life for over 500 years, and a traditional part of the lives of many other countries that happen to have a shoreline.

From such historic facilities as Portsmouth, Rosyth and the Clyde, Britain has launched an endless stream of massive, deadly warships for the offspring of local families to use as killing platforms or a heroic, watery grave.
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