Tag Archives: Chris Evans

by | May 22, 2016 · 6:29 am

Tears as last person to give a rat’s arse about Top Gear and Clarkson dies

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If you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you

The village of Harold is tinged with sadness this morning following the news that village idiot, Tim Trotman, has died leaving precisely no one left alive who even slightly cares about Top Gear or Jeremy Clarkson’s new show.

“Tim was well excited,” said neighbour Julie Kettle. “He loved all the hype and the fact that there’s something about both shows in the press every sodding day. He even thought most of it was real reporting and not part of two micromanaged publicity campaigns. Bless ‘im.” Continue reading →

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by | March 14, 2016 · 6:40 pm

Calls for pedestrians to stop chewing gum near the Cenotaph

SOME DRIVERS LOST CONTROL WHILST AVOIDING STROLLING CHEWERS

Retired Colonel, Richard Blimp has called for a ban on people smoking fags and chewing gum near the Cenotaph.

“The first memorial was erected for a peace parade a hundred years ago” he said “but we’ve managed to wrestle it back for the jingo.”

Blimp believes that soldiers who died in war would be appalled by people enjoying the freedom they gave their lives for and peacefully wandering past the Cenotaph whilst idly smoking, chewing gum, or listening to the Chris Evans breakfast show.

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by | August 13, 2015 · 11:00 am

Chris Evans to auction off Will McDonald and Gaby Roslin

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Evans dumps another load of former co-hosts.

Chris Evans has announced plans to clear out his garage, by auctioning off a number of unwanted ex co-presenters.

The self-confessed ginger has a vast collection of broken, long-forgotten sidekicks, which he buys at car boot sales, paints orange and then stores in his shed.

Amongst the lots are a rare Gaby Roslin, an ex-works Will McDonald and a tastefully modified Holly Hotlips.
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by | June 17, 2015 · 6:53 am

10 car facts about Top Gear presenter Chris Evans

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Evans also enjoys playing golf. F**king golf.

 

  • Chris Evans owns dozens of Ferraris, but he painted them white because red ones clash with his hair.
  • Chris Evans has had it written into his contract that no star will be allowed to beat his lap time in a reasonably priced car, because he owns dozens of Ferraris.
  • Owning dozens of Ferraris means that Chris Evans knows lots about cars, and it doesn’t make him an obvious wanker.
  • Chris Evans does a lot of work for charity with his dozens of Ferraris, but doesn’t like to talk about it.
  • Noel Edmonds once presented Top Gear. Noel Fucking Edmonds. He doesn’t even own dozens of Ferraris.
  • Chris Evans once bought the most expensive car at auction, a Ferrari. He no longer remembers which one it is.
  • Chris Evans impressed the BBC with his in-depth car knowledge. For instance, he can remember how much he paid for each of his dozens of Ferraris.
  • Evans hasn’t grafted for years writing reviews of workaday cars for local newspapers, or founded a motoring press agency. But he makes up for this lack of experience with dozens of Ferraris.
  • Quentin Wilson thinks Chris Evans will be perfect for Top Gear, but his opinion is worthless because he doesn’t own dozens of Ferraris.
  • Evans will have security protection on set to avoid being hit by producers because he owns dozens of Ferraris.

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