“I’ll have what she’s having.” May watches a deportation
“I’ve been going to church for years” explained Mrs May “so I’ve no need to prove I’m a christian.
An Iranian though might be tempted to pretend to be so by our subsistence benefits, risking nothing more than public execution of his or her whole family if the Iranian religious police learn about it.” Continue reading
Daily struggle to fit in
Asylum seekers in Cardiff face humiliation by being forced to wear distinctive costumes from the old TV series It’s a Knockout, it emerged today.
In order to qualify for food and housing, the refugees must dress up as grotesque ogres, bloated Tweedledums or even monstrously inflated parrots, according to complaints made to journalists.
One asylum seeker explained the unpleasant conditions his family faced: “In order to qualify for food, I had to dress up in a ridiculous French waiter costume with a massively over-sized head, and negotiate a slippery obstacle course while being sprayed with water.”
“Hardly any of the locals had giant heads, so everyone could tell straight away I was a refugee. To make it worse, I kept slipping over on the giant turntable when they sprayed water on me, and there was a guy with a microphone laughing his head off and shouting ‘HERE COME THE SYRIANS!'” Continue reading
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Filed under Politics, Showbusiness
In the biggest blow to their dignity yet, UK asylum seekers are being clothed in Man Utd shirts.
Asylum seekers have previously been forced to wear red wristbands in Cardiff, and the front doors of their accommodation has been painted red in Birmingham, but that doesn’t compare with the humiliation of being dressed in Man Utd colours, say refugee rights activists.
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Where’s your bloody visa?
The Australian government has announced that this year’s Australia Day will be commemorated by finally dropping the lines in the second verse of the national anthem which go: “For those who’ve come across the seas, We’ve boundless plains to share”.
Prime Minister Tony Abbott announced the change at a press conference this morning, expressing his “deep concern” that the words ever got put there in the first place:
“I thought I ought to know a bit about the old anthem, being Prime Minister, and after reading through it a few times it just sort of leapt out – what the hell is this bullshit about people coming across the seas?”
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Some days it’s not worth chewing through the straps.
An asylum seeker in Harold is demanding the right to be as moody and shambolic as the rest of the village. Ceaserina Okereke is seeking to put an end to stereotypes and have other Haroldites recognise that she is a confused mess who vaguely wonders what the purpose of it all is just like everyone else.
“People comment on how I’m always bright and happy as if that’s some trait every African woman has. Or if I’m feeling down and the kids are playing up then I’m a stern disciplinarian who is culturally unable to nurture and indulge her children. There is more to my thoughts and feelings than where I’m from or the colour of my skin.” Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, News
Is geeking out a human right?
Cassie Fine and Naomi Adams owners of Harold’s role-playing games shop Dungeons & More Dungeons are once again petitioning the Home Office to allow them to accept Azure cards for payment.
‘The Azure card is issued to refugees seeking asylum in the UK who don’t have the right to work. The Home Office chooses which shops can accept it and the only one in Harold is Tesco Express,’ said an angry but determined Naomi Adams. ‘We’re petitioning the Home Office to recognise that geekdom is international and allow us to serve Harold’s refugee community.’ Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold
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