Author Archives: Stan

Football club to hold minute’s silence in memory of the Ironing Lady

silenceIt has been confirmed that a minutes silence will be observed before Harold Thursday’s game on Saturday as a mark of respect following the passing of Teresa Macster, the first female Mayor of Harold, known locally as the Ironing Lady on account of the fact that she ran a laundry business in the village.

‘Mrs Macster never really understood sport,’ said club chairman Billy McKean, ‘but this club owes her a great debt as she chose to sell off the cricket ground, rather than the football field, which guaranteed our pathetic survival to this day.’ Read more here…

Comments Off on Football club to hold minute’s silence in memory of the Ironing Lady

Filed under News, Politics, Sport

17 year old Police snitch apologises for crude graffiti

CaptureAt an emotional press conference, Simon Delaney only recently appointed as Harold’s youth police commissioner, has apologised for the series of violent, racist and homophobic drawings that he had left on the village hall’s walls in full view of the high street.

Sporting an atrocious haircut, a contrite but slightly smirking Delaney said, “I hadn’t realised people could be offended so easily. This is useful information which I will bear in mind in the future.”

Under questioning, a tearful PC Anita Flegg defended Delaney saying “This is a cock and bull story that has got out of hand. Simon was the outstanding candidate, especially since being in a wheelchair; he meets all of our quota requirements.”

Continue reading

Comments Off on 17 year old Police snitch apologises for crude graffiti

Filed under Crime, Culture

Death of The Ironing Lady at the age of 87

thatcher
Teresa Macster, known locally as the Ironing Lady, has died at the age of 87.

With her trademark handbag and ironing board, Teresa was one of the great characters of the village combining her bustling ironing business with the arduous role of Mayoress of Harold, the first woman to be elected in this position.

In her heyday, Teresa was a formidable leader, applying the same criteria to council officials as she did to laundry by separating them into “Wets” or “Drys”.
Continue reading

Comments Off on Death of The Ironing Lady at the age of 87

Filed under News, Politics

Committee ‘delighted’ as Piers Morgan turns down invitation to open village fete

morgan
Faced with the perennial problem of finding a candidate to open Harold’s village summer fete, organisers decided to aim high this year and their ambitions have paid off with the refusal of none other than TV personality Piers Morgan to attend festivities.

‘This is fantastic news,’ committee chairman, Nick Stalling, told the Evening Harold at a celebration meal at the 38th Parallel, Harold’s North Korean restaurant. ‘We contacted him using that Twitter thing that you have and he replied almost immediately with the simple but thoughtfully chosen words “@EveningHarold No thanks.”
Read more…

Comments Off on Committee ‘delighted’ as Piers Morgan turns down invitation to open village fete

Filed under Around Harold, Culture, News

Weekly Round Up. Ron Ronsson’s Ford Escort wins Easter bonnet competition

Some local news and notices you may have missed in the past week.

For the third year running, Ron Ronsson’s gleaming 1987 Ford Escort won the Easter bonnet competition. A delighted Mr Ronsson said ‘I’m pleased to say that my pride and joy is still in full working order. It gets a polish every single day.’

There was a strong interest in the Good Friday flagellation classes led by Brenda Ferguson. After the class, there was a whip around for village hall funds.

Come back Duck No. 9…

The Bank Holiday Duck Race on the River Gluggle was abandoned after half the ducks refused to allow villagers to attach numbers to them. The remainder of the ducks flew away to a neighbouring pond. ‘Next time,’ said Emilie Bourdain, who supplied the ducks, ‘I’m going to use geese. They’re far more reliable.’

PC Anita Flegg would like to remind people that dog fouling on Harold’s pavements will not be tolerated. “The police take a very dim view of anyone who hacks a spaniel down from behind, particularly when they’re not on the ball”, said Flegg.

The council will hold a public consultation on refuse collections this Wednesday, in the back of Cllr Commerbund’s camper van. Proposals include the reintroduction of stocks on the village green for anyone putting food waste in their recycling, and the compulsory use of winter tyres on wheelie bins.

Comments Off on Weekly Round Up. Ron Ronsson’s Ford Escort wins Easter bonnet competition

Filed under Around Harold, News, Uncategorized