Monthly Archives: March 2020

by | March 29, 2020 · 7:33 pm

Delivery van driver now graduate only profession as middle class realise its importance


The aim of the delivery driver is to inform or delight, or to combine together, in what they say, both pleasure and applicability to life. Plus hand you chicken nuggets and gin.
Sharp-elbowed, braying culture thieves across the land are today congratulating themselves on making yet another thing a thousand percent more exclusive and complicated than it needs to be as delivery van driving becomes a graduate only profession.
“It’s a majorly important job that’s getting a lot of attention right now,” said village incomer Oofy Eastof. “So naturally those of us who make Kirsty Allsop look like Sid Vicious are taking it for ourselves and our offspring.”
“Lysander and I are hoping that Cassian will take a BSc (Vans) at Waitrose. We’d be happy with Sainsbury’s too obviously but he is very, very bright and I’m not sure they’d offer him enough of a challenge.”
“My sister-in-law’s eldest has just scraped into Budgens and we’re trying to be supportive there but it’s now glaringly obvious what a hopeless underachiever that child is.”
Asked what she expected people who have the practical skills to be delivery van drivers but can’t afford to study the subject for three years to do, Oofy replied that “They could always establish a lavatory paper delivery business and start from the bottom.”


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by | March 28, 2020 · 1:53 pm

Forget Joe Wicks: Michael Gove’s 5PM spin class is nation’s favourite workout

  • Don’t you think he looks tired?
Primal lurker beyond time* and Cabinet Office minister Michael Gove has been praised for improving the physical health of screen staring, stress eating Brits on lockdown by streaming a daily afternoon workout that sets pulses rising.
“Like many people since lockdown I’ve been at risk of turning into an endgame Henry VIII but without all the fun of having had six wives and a big argument with the Pope first,” said villager Cassie Fine. “But now I’m getting some much needed daily exercise all thanks to Michael Gove. One look and I’m on my feet running from the room to get away from his wet-lipped cascade of mendacity.”
“My wife stays in front of the TV and really works her muscles gesturing in disbelief at almost every word he says but she’s always been hardcore. Back in the day she could hold plank position all the way through a David Cameron speech on why it was necessary to fuck the NHS rigid without even a shiver of disgust.”
Rumours that another Downing Street workout series ‘Sprinting Away with Dominic Cummings’ will soon be launched remain persistent but unconfirmed.

*August Derleth by which we really mean the Wikipedia page on Cthulhu

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by | March 25, 2020 · 3:04 pm

World wide wahey: delighted animals tell humans to stay on lockdown forever

  • C U Never K Thx Bai

Animals the world over are happier than a Boris Johnson with two dicks now that they’ve got the planet back.
“It’s ace and skill,” said Manky Kevin, a spokesbadger for Harold’s mustelidae community. “With you lot out of the way us animals can do our thing without being hunted, run over or getting Attenboroughed. We love Sir David really but he’s a lot. Okay, occasionally it’s fun to do something spectacular for the camera but sometimes one just wants to be left alone to groom one’s jumble-giblets or contemplate the infinite over a week old chicken carcass one dragged out of a bin.”
“We’re hearing that some of you don’t like being shut away and are getting bored, maybe even a bit distressed,” added his colleague, Furry Rita. “I’ll be sure to mention that to my friends in the zoo once I’ve stopped laughing.”
“We’re going to be launching a change.org petition soon for all animals to sign calling for it to be made law that humans are kept in their homes forever,” she said. “We anticipate it’ll be a great success as soon as one of us learns how to type.”


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by | March 23, 2020 · 4:16 am

UK to give world a bloody good laugh by getting morons to panic buy McDonald’s

If only they all dressed like that, it’s a fierce look

The UK has decided to take one for the team and cheer everyone else up by sending its widespread moron population to form huge and in some cases quite violent queues outside McDonald’s restaurants before they all close.
“Our first idea was to contribute to the global fight against the coronavirus by providing medical supplies and staff,” said a Number Ten spokesperson. “Then we realised that we don’t have any so instead thought we’d give other countries a giggle with footage of idiots ignoring social distancing and brawling just to buy a handful of sweaty mechanically recovered meat.”
“The rest of the world will see the long lines and the emergency services being deployed to them and they’ll be tickled pink. Proving that laughter really is the best medicine. Which is handy because we’ve got bugger all medicine.”
McDonald’s will close nationwide at 19:00 this evening. Let the games begin.

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by | March 6, 2020 · 2:01 am

Anti-vaxxers devastated there is no coronavirus vaccine they can refuse to take

Prominent anti-vaxxer Jenny McCarthy lashed out at authorities for being too slow to develop a coronavirus vaccine that she can then refuse to take and instead promote an essential oil / crystal remedy. “How can I save people from autism, toxic shock, and scrofula if there is no coronavirus vaccine to warn people not to take?” said a devastated McCarthy. “Gwyneth Paltrow and I have developed the perfect crystal soaked in essential oils placebo and we can’t scare market it until the coronavirus vaccine is rolled out. The stress is causing us to go double-blind”. McCarthy implored the scientists to science more quickly so she can use her science to ridicule their science. “Gwyneth and I came out with our remedy almost immediately, how hard can it be? And we’ve scientifically proven our remedy to be scientifically proven with no margarine for error. A focus group of three rated the essential oils soaked crystals as “excellent” and the subsequent hospitalisation of one of them was due to an unrelated reaction to an earwax remedy.” Attempts by the Evening Harold to debate the merits of her remedy were unsuccessful. “Herd immunity? Of course I’ve heard of immunity” said an indignant McCarthy. “I’ve also heard that any coronavirus vaccine will come out in a plain white bottle whereas our remedy is packaged in a calming pink and light blue colour-scheme.”

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