Tag Archives: Syria bombing vote

100% of Syrians vote to be not bombed

imageThe people of Syria have voted emphatically not to be massacred in a bloodthirsty bombing campaign, it was announced this morning.

Rather than restrict the vote to members of parliament, it was felt that the actual people who would be dying in the rubble ought to also have a say. Turnout was high, at 100%.

The referendum asked the simple question: “Do you want to be massacred by an ill-conceived show of Western indiscriminate aggression? (Yes or No).”

Voting seems to have been remarkably consistent across the sexes and age groups, with 100% of women under 30 voting “NO”, exactly the same figure as men over 80, children under 13, and indeed absolutely everybody else.

“It’s as if they didn’t want to be killed by bombing,” complained UK Prime Minister David Cameron today. “If you ask me, these results seem very suspicious – I find it hard to believe that no-one wanted to die in a mangled heap of concrete and metal. Really, Syria? No-one?”

Others criticised the Syrians for their naive grasp of defense policy, questioning whether the population had really thought this through from a global perspective.

“This decision is selfish in the extreme,” insisted Geoffrey Sang, spokesman for UK arms company BAE Systems. “If these people had any consideration whatsoever of my kitchen extension plans, they would have voted very differently. Well, on their own heads be it. Or not, annoyingly.”

A spokesperson for the “NO” campaign expressed little surprise at the outcome, saying: “We don’t want to die. It’s pretty simple. Death, no thanks. Dying, not any. Do you get it yet?”

“We’re pretty sure that this will now be the end of the matter – we’ve decided and that’s that.”

“You’d have to be a bit of a cunt to bomb us anyway, wouldn’t you?”

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Anti-terror police raid Westminster address after tip-off 500 planning bombing campaign

"We just thought they were blood-sucking leeches" said shocked locals

“We just thought they were blood-sucking leeches” said shocked locals

Anti-terror police say they have raided a Westminster address known as the House of Commons and arrested 500 people on suspicion of planning a genocidal bombing campaign in Syria after a tip-off from a 66 year-old Islington informer.

The majority of the people arrested belong to the well known terrorist group ‘the Tories’ who have been launching attacks on domestic targets such as the NHS and disabled people for years.

But alarmingly the Tories have recently been joined by a dangerous splinter group called ‘Tory lite’ who have links to fugitive war criminal Tony Blair.
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