Tag Archives: Scottish

New Scottish thesaurus has 422 words for Tories

Why is there only one word for 'thesaurus'?

Why is there only one word for ‘thesaurus’?

A new Scottish thesaurus which lists 422 words for members of the Conservative party, is facing a ban under the obscene publications act.

With words ranging from ‘bawbag’ to ‘jobby’, and dozens of ruder ones in between, the Scots have one more word for ‘twazzocks’ than they do for snow. And 421 more than they have Tory MPs.

Author Tristan Hemlock carried out much of his research in a Glasgow pub, and very shortly afterwards, a nearby infirmary.

“I sat down at the bar, and asked politely if any of the locals had a good word for the Tories”, explained Hemlock.

“The response was tremendous, I was met with a bewildering wall of abuse. Fortunately, I managed to write most of it down.”
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Brian Sewell ready to take on Doctor Who role if Scotland votes ‘Yes’

Dr Sewell

Brian Sewell has had the Tardis fitted with a library.

Brian Sewell has revealed that he’s been secretly reshooting the current series of Doctor Who, so Peter Capaldi can be dropped if Scotland votes to leave the UK.

For constitutional reasons, Scottish people will not be allowed on the BBC if Scotland becomes independent. They will join the French and the Germans on an internal list of ‘undesirables’.

But the scheduling of the eighth series of Doctor Who couldn’t have been worse for the corporation – if Scotland votes yes, Capaldi will be out before episode 6 has been aired.

“Obviously we won’t have time to film a ‘regeneration’ so we wanted to find someone else who was rude, elderly and pompous”, said the BBC’s Steven Moffat. “Brian Sewell immediately came to mind, so we drugged him and dragged him to the studio.”
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