Tag Archives: satire

Man planning hard divorce hires chainsaw to split the assets

David Davis photographed when he found out he’ll still have to pay the debts

A Dunstable man going through a divorce has hired a chainsaw with which to split the family assets and he’ll start with the house itself.

“It’s got a wooden frame so it should be quite easy, as long as I don’t hit any nails” said David Davis “I assume that’s what she meant by ‘sparks are going to fly’, when I told her about it.”

Davis won’t consider a soft divorce, where everything is discussed beforehand. “I want to crash out of the marriage without any agreement, so I’ve insulted my wife and her lawyers as much as I can. My mate Boris told me that’s the best way to get what you want – which in my case is Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Brexit, idiots, News

Battle of Britain Flight Lancaster shot down in paintball accident

The RAF’s only Lancaster bomber has been ‘shot down’ by a Messerschmidt 109 fighter in a freak air-show accident in Harold.

The Lancaster, PA474, never saw combat although it’s been flogged round the country for years, taking credit for a victory in which it had no part; like an aeronautical John Terry. Continue reading

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Filed under Nostalgia

“Just stop it! Abusing hospital staff is my job” says Jeremy Hunt

“Threatening doctors and nurses is my job”

Jeremy Hunt insists the task of threatening Great Ormond Street Hospital staff is his and his alone, warning “amateurs” protesting over little Charlie Gard’s care to leave it to trained professionals, like him.

“I studied for years before taking on the role of abusing NHS staff” argues Hunt, who accepts this didn’t involve studying healthcare. “And I always have to keep my knowledge up to date, with frequent private healthcare briefings and Continue reading

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Filed under Health, NHS

OJ Simpson hopes to resume his career in murdering

“I can do a discount for two, if that helps.”

“I’m much too old for football” said OJ Simpson today “and with no more Naked Gun movies planned, I’m going back to something I’m really good at – killing folks.”

The terms of Simpson’s parole mean he has to find gainful employment, so the former sportsman and actor plans to resume taking other people’s lives.

“Obviously I can’t do more armed robberies, that’s why was in the slammer in the first place” said the actor twice nominated for the most wooden delivery  “but I’ve never been convicted of murder so that’s not off-limits.”

Simpson says the big adjustment for him now will be killing for money, rather than revenge, but others disagree with that assessment.

“I’ve seen his film work” said Harold’s own former Bond girl, Emilie Bourdain. “It may seem astonishing but he got paid for that shit and he’s certainly murdered a few scripts in his time.”

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New Star Wars movie to feature first male Wookiee

We would.

Producers of the upcoming Star Wars film have shocked moviegoers with the news that, unlike in all the previous episodes, the next generation of the Wookiee character in The Last Jedi will be male.

Some have seen this as a brave move, given that the iconic “Chewie” character was, of course, a girl, with the typical female Wookiee’s menacing grunt, but many fans are disappointed that the producers have changed what was seen as a well-established tradition.

“I’m not sexist, but this is just inverse political correctness gone mad,” complained one fan. “Everyone knows Chewie was a girl. And good-looking. Er, for a Wookiee.”

“Well that’s my childhood ruined,” complained another fan. “Nowhere in the original movies does it say anywhere that Wookiees can be male. Some things you don’t mess with.”

“What next, a male R2-D2?”

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Filed under News, Space, TV

May welcomes reduction in JAMs & increase in No Longer Managings

almost as if they don’t understand what’s really going on

The PM says more people no longer managing highlights the success of her focus on cutting the number of JAMs.

“If you replay my first speech as Prime Minister, you’ll see that I promised to deliver to those who were just about managing.” said Mrs May today, responding to a Resolution Foundation report on the economy.

“And I have delivered. Fewer people just about managing means fewer children living in uncertainty. In their new, more certain status, they know exactly what they’re going to get Continue reading

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Filed under Economy, News, Politics

Jailed for menacing messages about Gina Miller and for being a prick

Be carefull in the showers, Millord

In a landmark judgement, “Lord St Davids”, Rhodri Colwyn Philipps has been jailed for being a prick.

Philipps had been found guilty of being a prick at an earlier hearing, when he refused to stand up in court until being addressed as Lord St Davids.

Sentence had been adjourned until his trial on charges of sending menacing messages. He was duly convicted on Monday but generously allowed to go home and pack his tooth brush, pyjamas and Continue reading

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Filed under Law and Order

May shocked by GE result. “Activists I spoke to all promised to vote Tory”

As Mrs May prepares to emote, an aide slices an onion, just off-camera

Theresa May says she’d been shocked by the general election result, as the activists, funders, and Daily Mail journalists she’d focussed her energies upon for the previous seven weeks all promised to vote Tory.

Glowing, uncritical, daily editorials and headlines such as “Mayggy, mayggie, mayggie! In in in!”, “Boot the scrufy marxist into touch!”, and “Should evil Corbyn be tried as a traitor?” Continue reading

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Filed under Election 2017, Politics

As tagging scheme proves as useless as him, Chris Grayling “still certain” he must have done something right at MoJ

insists not every single bloody decision he made was a complete disaster.

The f%cknugget against whom every other f%cknugget is measured, the gold standard f%cknugget Chris Grayling, is sure he did something right as Justice Minister.

 

“To give you a clue about his competence,” said a weary MoJ insider “when Michael Gove took over here and reversed many of Chris’ decisions, he seemed like Continue reading

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Filed under Crime, News, Politics, Technology

Viscount says calling Gina Miller ‘a boat jumping immigrant’ was complimenting her athletic prowess

Nasty but dim: 4th Viscount St Davids. Fulfilling the stereotype

Lord St Davids has wearily explained to a court that offering five grand to have Gina Miller run over shouldn’t be seen as him offering five grand to have her run over after pleading not guilty to charges of making malicious communications and being a prick.

“Gina Miller, mmm… strapping girl. Full of admiration for her ability to jump over boats. It’s in their genes, you know. Offering £5000 to have her run over was a bit of a jape. She could jump my bon.. jump over cars easily.”

The Viscount posted on facebook “£5,000 for the first person to ‘accidentally’ run over this bloody troublesome first generation immigrant” but says this should be seen in the light of his financial position.

“I’m broke. Well” he chuckled “that’s what I told my creditors last year, before ‘accidentally’ becoming bankrupt again,  Continue reading

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Filed under Law and Order, News

Tory MP defends dressing up in gollywog costume and singing ‘Mammy’ at public event

Heartstrings apparently tangled around Alabammy

Anne Marie Morris, Conservative MP for Newton Abbot, has defended her actions after being caught dressing in a gollywog costume and singing a selection of Black and White Minstrels songs at an event while talking about Brexit.

Morris was appearing on a panel to talk about Brexit alongside Tory colleagues Bill Cash and John Redwood, who were dressed as the Indian one from It Ain’t Half Hot Mum, and Tonto, respectively.

Members of the public were shocked when five minutes into the discussion Morris whipped out a banjo and began singing ‘Mammy’. “I was shocked it took her that long,” explained one guest.

A Conservative source said that Theresa May was unaware of the remarks because she had been with the Australian Prime Minister laughing at Aboriginal people. A spokesperson for the PM insisted that Morris would not be expelled from the party, explaining that “racist Tory MPs all look the same to me”.

Shortly after realising she was in trouble, Morris made an effusive apology.

“It was completely unintentional, and I apologize unreservedly for any offence caused,” she explained, adding “Where am dat water melon?”

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Police ‘delighted’ with new lengthy paperwork requirements

On a good day Jackson completes one in under 4 hours

New rules, that mean having to fill in a 10 page form every time they speak to someone, have delighted police.

“Ten pages is nothing, bring it on.” chuckled Dunstable police’s PC Jackson. “This is why I joined the Police. I always wanted to make a difference.”

“Yesterday, for instance, I spoke to a woman who asked the way to Whipsnade zoo and then spent a lovely few hours back at the station filling in the details.” she said. “I didn’t finish typing until six o’clock, by which time Whipsnade had shut Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Law and Order, News, Police

New statue of Margaret Thatcher to have wider appeal, by being pre-vandalised

This may be more lifelike than the original

With proposals for a Mrs Thatcher statue in Parliament Square rejected for fear of vandals, a Harold sculptor has submitted plans for a ready-vandalised version.

Sculptor Digby Burns is perhaps best known locally for his acting, having appeared in an early episode of Midsomer Murders [uncredited, man walking dog by lake] and of course, his career-defining series of TV ads for Dairylea Continue reading

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Filed under Art, Culture, Politics

Hoping for “a spirit of the Falklands” ratings boost, May sends in taskforce

“I knew Jack Kennedy. Senator, you’re no Jack Kennedy.”

Theresa May has recalled the heady days of Mrs Thatcher bashing Johnnie Foreigner whilst helpfully improving her dire poll ratings, by deploying a taskforce to deal with the aftermath of the Grenfell Tower fire.

Just like Margaret Thatcher before her, Mrs May has sent in a taskforce to sort out problems resulting from a series of piss-poor risk assessments, in the hope that the public will revise their opinion of her. Doesn’t seem likely Continue reading

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Filed under News, Politics

Boris Johnson favours raising cap on saying anything to get himself made PM

“Stab her in the front or the back? Today or tomorrow?” Boris weighs up his options

Boris Johnson is the latest top Tory to feign concern for public sector staff as a screen for a leadership bid.

“Our fantastic nurses, firefighters, police, some others I can’t think of. I’ve got the notes here, somewhere.” he said, patting his pockets and acting the roguish Continue reading

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Filed under Economy, News, Politics

Michael Gove rushed into A&E after being accidentally sprinkled with salt

“Watch out for that massive tub of beer, Michael!”

Michael Gove is said to be “serious but stable” in hospital, after being dusted with salt in a pub garden accident.

“A customer was adding salt to their chips, when the lid of the salt cellar suddenly came off and a cloud of salt flew across the table.” explained Eddie Grudgingly, landlord of the Squirrel Lickers Arms in Harold.

“No one else was affected but with Mr Gove it was really weird. His body became really shiny, then he began to froth at the mouth Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, breaking news, News, Politics

With Brexit “‘as complicated as moon landing”, conspiracy theorists predict it will be faked on a movie set

If you look carefully, you’ll see Nigel Farage directing the actors

Shortly after David Davis said that Brexit was “‘as complicated as moon landing”, conspiracy theorists across the country muttered “It’ll all be faked.”, tapped their noses, and adopted knowing smiles.

Harold conspiracy theorist Adam Cassidy, who knows that cannabis cures cancer, aliens landed at Roswell, and Tories have your best interests at heart, says the 1978 documentary Capricorn One proves that governments repeatedly fool Continue reading

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Filed under Brexit

Prime Minister: “£1bn of your money to get me 10 DUP votes is a steal”

Only an idiot or someone living 50 years in the past …

“I’ve always been quite clear about this, it isn’t my money.” said Mrs May “So for me then, it’s not as tough as, say, choosing between more red shoes or a weekend in the country. Although Philip buys my shoes and the public pays for my Chequers weekends but you get the idea.”

The Prime Minister said that with just ten DUP MPs, dividing up the £100,000,000 would be relatively easy as, despite appearances suggesting otherwise, none of them has more than the standard number of fingers Continue reading

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Filed under Election 2017

Left-leaning BBC reports Corbyn’s speech at Glastonbury but ignores Mrs May’s at Bekonscot model village

PM’s inspiring speech to dozens of plaster figurines, simply ignored by BBC

In a clear display of media bias, the BBC fawned over Jeremy Corbyn’s ramblings to a mere hundred thousand hippies at an obscure “music festival” but ignored Theresa May’s inspiring message to dozens of plaster figurines at a well-known model village.

Plaster villagers holding cute little Vote Conservative posters, stood in silence, as if transfixed, while the PM reprised her finest speeches Continue reading

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Filed under Culture, Media, News, Politics

F1 news: McLaren’s engine penalty is “having Honda engines”

“Look at the positives, we always get to leave before the rush”

McLaren’s F1 drivers, Fernando Alonso and the other one, will start at the back until 2018, to stop them interrupting the race itself.

“Without this new rule,” says former F1 driver, David Coulthard “other cars taking grid penalties might push the McLarens further up the field, from where their woeful engines will make them dangerous, slow-moving mobile chicanes.”

Race organisers highlight another important safety issue; if, as seems likely, the McLarens need a push start, Continue reading

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