Next week we’re going with him personally sinking the Belgrano
Paul Dacre, who edits the Daily Mail and pretends to be a journalist, is trying to make up for all the lies he didn’t tell about Jeremy Corbyn in the 2017 election campaign.
“I’ve had to learn to forgive myself.” said a tearful Dacre “So many chances to commission a hatchet job so mendacious it would see a trainee hack kicked off any decent course.”
“If I’d thought he was going to popular with voters I’d have taken one or two more LSD tabs for inspiration Continue reading
Hoping for divine inspiration on who to blame [use the mirror, Theresa]
The Prime Minister has called for whoever is to blame for eye-watering University tuition fees to be brought to book, named and shamed.
“Our tuition fees are amongst the highest in the world and someone must be responsible.” said a woman who voted through every single one of the austerity measure of the idiot Continue reading
Filed under Education, News
No warning that it might contain chicken
As deep-fried breadcrumb retailers KFC closed a number of shops, having run out of chicken, the UK public asked “Hold on, are you saying there’s chicken in KFC?”
Local vegetarian Pippa Delaney says she was shocked to find the popular fast-food snack might contain meat, as she has at times eaten KFC at Motorway service stops, whilst her electric car Continue reading
“Psychopaths, we need to hear from you too.” says the President
Using his well-known medical superpowers, Donald Trump has diagnosed the perpetrator of the Parkland shooting as being white and thus mentally ill.
From there, the President swiftly moved on to criticise other mentally ill people for not appearing in front of a battery of hundreds of cameras, on nationwide TV, to condemn the slaughter “committed by one of their Continue reading
We all love a cake but maybe no more than two or three a day
A villager is shocked by finding that a diet of cake, crisps, and chicken nuggets, washed down with full-sugar cola, has been linked to an increased risk of cancer.
“I feel a bit let down, to be frank.” said William McKean, Harold’s fattest man and star of the documentary Help! My Liver is the size of a Dog. “I was happy to risk heart attack, stroke, diabetes, amputation, and breathlessness, but other than that I was pretty sure Continue reading
Just a few pounds a week will buy a man or woman
Oxfam Directors are meeting to decide whether to ban staff from looting abandoned houses and buying sex from earthquake victims they’re supposed to be helping.
“It’s a tough one, that’s for sure,” said an Oxfam spokeswoman “as we like our staff on the ground to use their initiative. But on balance, we probably should draw a line somewhere, even if only to give us a clear brand identity, distinct from local gangs, militia and the Continue reading
Sorting it out themselves could have been like a team-building day
A man who rarely puts his hand is his pocket, even if it’s his round, has vowed that after their prostitute scandal, he’ll not give to Oxfam.
“I never have done, funnily enough, which I feel justified about now, but I might have done.” said Alec Fairchild “So perhaps they should think through what this scandal has cost them.”
“I’ll stick to Lotto.” said Fairchild, a pub bore from Harold. “You know where your money’s going with Lotto. Not just Directors’ bonuses. Lots of good causes which government won’t pay for because people like me don’t want to pay taxes to fund no end of things such as cancer research Continue reading
Filed under charity, News
THREE women on Breakfast TV at the same time? This way madness lies
Men who seldom vote other than on X Factor have said ‘what everyone else is thinking’ which is that we’ve all had enough of women moaning about equality. Apparently.
Broadcast media, newspapers, and the Daily Mail have marked the centenary of some women getting the vote by using mostly women presenters and journalists, highlighting the lack of equality on the other 36,500 days since, give or take Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
Worried violence might break out too late for him to get involved
The ‘man in the white shirt’ who hit a woman protester at a Jacob Rees-Mogg speech says he stepped in to protect the MP due to a lack of security.
The man said his reaction was prompted by a lack of security and that he feared for an attack on Mr Rees-Mogg in the wake of Jo Cox’s murder.
”Jo Cox was uppermost in my mind, so an uppercut to a woman seemed like the right response. Sadly I only managed a rather clumsy Continue reading
‘Look out, May’s about!” Anyone else hearing a screech of brakes and tyres?
A spokesman for Britain’s car crashes has objected to them being linked to Mrs May’s government, claiming that the comparisons are unfairly bringing car crashes into disrepute.
“It’s just lazy journalism.” said Jeff Trundle “Why not use plane crash, war zone, or a zombie apocalypse? All much more apt but no. Car crash is all we ever read about, just after Theresa May gets out of bed each morning and starts working her way through that day’s list of cock ups.”
“What is often overlooked, Continue reading
I was right, tens of thousands died
Fierce self-flagellator Iain Duncan Smith says findings in a leaked government report are flawed, as they don’t factor in revenues from unicorn shit, which will form the basis of a vibrant post-brexit economy.
Duncan Smith was responding to leaked government reports which suggest the UK economy will be wrecked by Brexit “All government forecasts are inaccurate” chuckled the former Tory leader “I read lots which said thousands would die as a result of my reforms at DWP but I knew they were wrong. And I was proved right, tens of thousands died. Admittedly, it might have been more but Continue reading
‘Everyone needs someone to look up to – for me it’s me’
Jacob Rees-Mogg thinks if David Davis’ team was more upbeat they’d be more successful, in the same way that Kyle Edmund would have beaten Marin Čilić in straight sets if he’d just been a bit more positive. “That’s how things work”, he said.
Embodiment of all that’s wrong with inherited wealth, MP Rees-Mogg did nothing else but shuffle cash around, before landing a plum Tory seat but now likes to spend his time counting his private income and telling everyone else what they should think, Continue reading
Henry Bolton in happier times
Henry Bolton is refusing to desert UKIP, the party he has loved ever since joining it the Thursday before last even though many believe it is ‘going down for the third time’.
“It would be a dereliction of my duty to stand down now, just at the point when the party is riven with dreadful factional in-fighting.” he explained to our reporter this afternoon, adding “Of course, I might reconsider my position once the current leadership crisis is over but Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
Looks like the chap next door on his way to court but apparently not
A bloke you’ve never heard of has resigned from UKIP, after gradually realising that past, current, and potential party leaders are a bunch of infighting homophobes and racists.
Jonathan Arnott (that’s him) is apparently MEP for the North East of England and says UKIP “shifted” its stance on religious and cultural issues.
“It was a great shock to me, as you might imagine.” said Arnott. “There was nothing in the party’s history which gave a hint of the festering hatred and bile, lurking far below the surface. OK, perhaps Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
“Wow, look at the size of that tit”
The right wing social commentator and odious arse, Toby Young, has been resigned from his position on the university regulator, the Office for Students.
“If we are to stand up as the Conservative party for what is right,” he told the BBC, casting himself in the role of a noble man nobly falling on his sword, “we also have to accept when we have made a mistake.”
He then set his pudgy jaw, gazed into the middle distance and checked with John Humphrys about his pose. “Have you got my best profile” Continue reading
Filed under Education, Media
Obviously no spare rooms here.
Homeless people in Windsor say their livelihoods are under threat as rumours circulate of a street-level takeover by a ruthless gang of highly professional beggars.
“The gang all claim to be members of a single yet extraordinarily extended family,” said Windsor Vagrants’ spokesperson Lindsay Tarsal. “What we do know is they use various aliases, often chosen to sound like your local. The Duke of Kent, the Prince of Wales, the Pig and Whistle… oh, hang on, that last one was David Cameron.”
“So now they’re heading down our way and all of a sudden, who would’ve guessed it, lo and behold, what’s their name now, ah, The Windsors of course, poncing about as though they own the place.”
“You can tell she wants it.” the Prince told himself
Teachers at Harold’s St Mary’s primary school are planning an overhaul of the curriculum following claims by a professor at Osaka University that fairytale princes in Snow White and Sleeping Beauty are sex offenders.
“You might look at Sleeping Beauty and see a chaste, curse-breaking kiss, but apparently what’s going on is a quasi-compulsive obscene sexual act on an unconscious partner” said Headteacher Alison Lee. “We can’t be explaining that sort of thing to our Reception class, I can’t even spell Continue reading