Captured on camera, Duckett shamelessly ‘playing cricket’
England’s pub brawlers are facing another crisis, as yet another member of the squad has been suspended, pending an inquiry into an alleged incident of cricketing.
Earlier in the troubled tour, Jonny Bairstow was accused of ‘wicket-keeping’ when he should have been head-butting one of the Australian team. However, even before the team left the UK England’s talismanic all-rounder Ben Stokes, was captured by security cameras, playing French-cricket in Continue reading
… time to get onto thrashing out terms of UK’s final surrender.
Following a frantic last 48 hours of shuttle-diplomacy, Theresa May has finally managed to concede to almost all of the EU negotiators’ demands.
“It wasn’t easy and at any moment there was a danger I might not give in.” explained an obviously tired Prime Minister “Of course I could have agreed these terms months ago but I’m no pushover, so I held out to the last minute before caving Continue reading
They’re probably just playing games for fun
Donald Trump says recognising Jerusalem as Israel’s capital has gone very well. “It’s all gone very well” he said today.
“Some folks said there’d be riots, all that sort of thing but nothing’s happening out there, I know that for sure, and everything’s gone very well.”
Right wing US Christian fundamentalists have welcomed the move from their almost-beyond-satirising Continue reading
his laptop crashed and the dog ate it anyway
David Davis told the EU select committee this morning that he’d ‘completely forgot’ to do his EU homework which was set for him 15 months ago.
Last week Mr Davis handed in a huge set of papers with lots of crossings out, explaining that it was the homework but that Boris Johnson had scribbled on it.
The week before that he said his laptop had crashed and the electricity cut off at home, so he couldn’t have done it “and the dog had eaten it Continue reading
Four more years of Donald Trump suddenly doesn’t seem so bad
An intelligent, articulate American woman has had her first real taste of the numbing void inhabited by the Daily Mail and its readers.
Some newspapers considered weighty matters this last week, such as economic implications of Brexit for the car industry.
Mail readers however, were invited to assess the merits of a woman they’ll never meet, based on grainy school photos and half-remembered or fully-invented anecdotes of Continue reading
I know what you’re doing under your desk. Just stop it.
Theresa May says there’s no story behind the mass resignation of the only team within government that has even a pretence of caring.
“Rather than criticising imperceptible progress toward a fairer society,” said Mrs May “why not just replay YouTube clips of my first speech as PM, when I vowed to tackle social injustice and inequality. ‘Where there is hope may we bring … no, not that. Err Continue reading
Would you trust this man? Our money is on Jeremy Hunt
Some daft idiot, who says he’s ‘head of NHS England’ or something like that, has only gone and banged on again about a so-called funding crisis.
Not content with threatening longer waiting lists if Her Majesty’s Chancellor didn’t provide enough cash in the Budget, this clown Simon Stevens then has the brass neck to Continue reading
Narsil, the Dog Collar that was broken
Archbishop John Sentamu has modestly played down the role of his dog collar in the downfall of Robert Mugabe.
Sentamu refused to wear a dog collar for almost a decade, in protest against the Zimbabwean President remaining in post.
“It was tough at times.” admitted Sentamu on the Andrew Marr show. “Times when I wondered if it was worth the pain and wanted to give up. Somehow my collar convinced me Continue reading
Filed under News, Religion
Whatever it is, Mrs May seems to like it
Philip Hammond’s budget played nug-a-nug with the UK yesterday but those unfamiliar with the detail of economic theory are struggling to know if this means everyone has been given a nice low down tingle, or a right royal seeing to, so thorough it’s left them feeling they’ve reached out and touched the face of God.
Professor of Economics Julia Hogsburn of Dunstable University explained that sexual innuendo and metaphor, though popular in tabloid journalism, were actually unhelpful when assessing economic stability. “No, what we’re looking at here is more akin to being Ramsay Boltoned” said Hogsburn “I hope Continue reading
Jacob hanging on to a majority in his constituency
Speaking outside the 20th century (at the other end), Rees-Mogg, an expert on laws spiritual and temporal, explained that his God hates divorce, contraception, and menstrual cycles. And socialists – “not just the women socialists though.”
The MP says that although he is prepared to compromise his beliefs, as far as the divorce itself is concerned, actually paying for it is a step too far. “I would never do so, of course, but if I ever did leave my wife I Continue reading
It hasn’t lost all humanity and will still throw your parcels over the fence
With funding for expanding driverless car use in the budget, Philip Hammond says the Tories have already piloted the idea, using entirely rudderless government.
“It uses very much the same principles.” said the Chancellor, dancing around and waving a torch so as to be seen “You swap a human driver, who is susceptible to being distracted by thoughts, feelings, and suchlike, for an emotionless robot making choices on Continue reading
Explorer Benedict Allen has said sorry to his wife for the indignity of being rescued in Papua New Guinea by the Daily Mail.
Appalling hate-mongers at the Daily Mail had hired a helicopter to cash-in on the disappearance of Benedict Allen, hoping that it’s appalling editor Paul Dacre might yet sneak into the New Year’s Honours list.
On learning that he was being rescued by the Daily Mail, Mr Allen (57), exclaimed: ‘I can’t believe it. Hell’s bells, the f-cking Mail? F-ck off!’ Continue reading
I’ve conceded hobnobs but expect tariff-free trade at least
With Brexit talks at a critical stage, David Davis is even thinking about putting in an extra shift each week until next month.
“I’m willing to do the job I’m paid to do, on anything up to two days a week, but only for the short term.”
“I won’t say exactly how long for, as I don’t want to reveal my hand.” said a toga-wearing Davis, speaking from a chaise longue in his London office, whilst being fed peeled grapes Continue reading
“Trust me. I was definitely not sacked.”
Popular International Development Secretary Priti Patel was ordered back from an official trip in Africa by the PM, summoned to Downing Street and then by sheer coincidence decided to resign. “I wasn’t sacked” said Ms Patel.
In her resignation letter, which was in no way prepared in advance by the PM, Ms Patel said her actions “fell below the standards of transparency and openness that I have advocated for other people. I just didn’t realise they might apply to me. So I’ve resigned”.
Mrs May said Ms Patel’s Continue reading
Larry is expected to jump at the chance
With yet another hapless minister being shown the door, Larry the Downing Street cat is standing by, in the expectation that he’ll get a Cabinet post later this week.
The PM hopes that Larry will help dispose of some of the larger rats before they abandon the sinking ship. “He’s not actually very good at it” admitted press secretary James Slack “but then again David Davis and Jeremy Hunt haven’t set the bar very high.”
“Larry’s a safe pair of paws though,” insists Slack “used to shitting in public, then half-heartedly trying to cover it up, so he should fit in well with Boris Continue reading
Chris managed to beat off rivals to secure a post with the family firm.
Tory MP, whip and all-round know-it-all Chris Heaton-Harris, has written to all home-schooling parents, asking them to send him copies of their lesson plans, with particular reference to Brexit.
“There’s no hurry,” says Heaton-Harris “but shall we say next Monday at the latest? As half-term actually ends on Friday afternoon.”
The popular government whip likes people to justify their position in society and has written to all the nation’s educators, partly because time hangs heavy on his hands as an MP but mostly because Continue reading
They’ll thank me later. They always do.
Ukippers and other idiots are still keen on giving the UK a damned hard brexit, often waking early, drenched in various bodily fluids, after a night spent fantasising about it.
With the referendum won, right-wingers are managing their otherwise empty internal worlds by dreaming of giving us all a really good brexiting. “The UK may say be saying ‘no’ but I know better,” explained Continue reading
with hindsight, the Corgi Aston Martin was probably a mistake,
After the Tory conference security lapse, when a poorly advised comic came within just a few feet of Lee Nelson, red-faced MI6 chiefs have now found that James Bond, previously thought to be their most secret agent, is actually very well known.
“Our suspicions were raised when we found Commander Bond had his own theme tune.” said actor and former head of MI6, Dame Judy Dench.
“It transpired we had a mole. Everyone seemed to be expecting him when he showed up at their secret lair, even when he arrived by parachute. Continue reading
“I’m sorry we got found out.” He looks a bit Nixony to us
Grey man in a grey suit, David Gauke, says once negative publicity reached ‘critical’, he decided to stop charging benefit claimants 55p a minute for DWP helplines.
“We’re listening and we care,” said DWP minister Gauke, supressing a snigger. “care about being found out, that is. Now we’ll go back to the drawing board and find other, less obvious ways of punishing people for claiming benefits.”
“It can’t be that hard. Iain Duncan Smith ran the DWP for years and he needs both hands to find his arse Continue reading
Filed under DWP, Politics
Move, Phil, move! Is he there?
‘Philip Hammond says that thanks to sound Tory economics, Britain’s Tory voting OAPs are to get a whopping 3% increase in state pensions in 2018.
“Make no mistake, this is great news for the UK.” said the Chancellor speaking from in front of a bright background, so as to be seen.
Nicknamed ‘Dustsheet Phil’ due to his fondness for keeping offshore investments covered up, Continue reading