Piers Morgan has pulled out of existing after a campaign to remove him from the planet raised two hundred signatures, nearly as many as watch ITV’s Good Morning Britain, which he hosts.
In a statement on his Facebook page, Mr Morgan, a former newspaper editor, said he had planned to go on living “for fun” but that a campaign to have him “banned” had been launched. He said it criticised his creative credentials, which was clearly nonsense in the light of his creative description of insider share dealing and telephone hacking, Continue reading
Oh, yes I am leader of that UKIP. I thought you meant the other UKIP
Paul Nuttall has no idea how claims that he was leader of UKIP, ‘The Friendly Face of Racism’, appeared on his website. “Wasn’t me.” he said “Prove it.”
Nuttall blamed a ‘press officer’ for other, more believable claims; that he’d scored the winning goal in the 1966 World Cup final, held a PhD from John Lennon University and been awarded the Nobel Prize in Theoretical Physics, for work on limits to people fitting into a finite place. Continue reading
Grouty discusses aspects of the ‘Prison Works’ philosophy
Tonight’s Panorama is set to shock as undercover footage of drug use and lack of control is rampant just 8 weeks after the death of “Mr Big” Grouty.
Standards took a dip in the late 1980’s when hardline warder Mr MacKay was moved to take control of the offshore category A Fraggle Rock following the escape of Sean Connery. However order was soon regained as power swung to Grouty, controlling affairs with old school bribery and unspeakable violence. Continue reading
“Come on, who’s to blame?”
Moral vacuum in an expensive suit marred by a condescending, inappropriate NHS lapel badge, Jeremy Hunt, will launch an enquiry into the crisis afflicting hospitals up and down the country.
Speaking exclusively to the BBC, Mr Hunt first winked then, as the cameras started filming, he sobbed “I can’t help thinking that someone must be responsible for this utter shambles.”
Holding a sliced onion just off-camera, MrHunt wiped tears from his cheeks and sniffled “You know, an individual, an actual person, probably a Junior Doctor or whoever was the last Labour Health Secretary, Continue reading
Not very happy. Kyle hoped for Defence portfolio
Resignations and rebellions have led Jeremy Corbyn to cast his net wider to fill his shadow cabinet. Corbyn has high hopes that 14 year-old Kyle Jones, who delivers his morning newspapers, will be his latest recruit.
“Kyle may be young but he has nearly two years work experience, which is more than the few Labour MPs I’ve not yet tried.”
Corbyn has offered Kyle the post of Shadow Chief Secretary to the Treasury, to give him a broad overview of all areas before moving him to be Shadow Home Secretary the next time Diane Abbott gets, or becomes, another headache. So, some time next week. Continue reading
‘Do we actually need an NHS?’ the whole Cabinet replied ‘No’
Marmalade entrepreneur, Jeremy Hunt has welcomed record NHS figures released this week and was in expansive mood when interviewed by the Evening Harold.
“It would be wrong to make political capital out of this” smiled the multi-millionaire, polishing his NHS lapel badge, “but these figures vindicate the Conservative approach to the NHS.”
“You know, I was in the room when the policy was agreed,” he said. “The PM wrote on the whiteboard ‘Do we really need an NHS?’ and the whole Cabinet replied ‘No, we all Continue reading
“That’s brilliant is that.” Boycott listens to one of his own jokes
A man otherwise coping stoically with motor neurone disease has been plunged into despair, and finally driven to ask “Why me?” by the news he’ll be voiced by the legendary ar*ehole and cricket bore, Geoffrey Boycott.
Graham Cross from Yorkshire thought he’d get a nice synthesised Yorkshire voice, when the effects of MND rob him of the power of speech, but says he may now rely on a slate and chalk instead.
I’d hoped for Alan Bennett’s gentle, melodic burble. But it seems the NHS want me to have the grating tones of an arrogant, whining Continue reading
Crying out for the rigours of the tax haven
Highways England say roadworks on the M5 near Worcester could last another decade or more, as they’ve only had one man working there since October 2015.
“Mostly he picks up crisp packets and condoms discarded by commuters stuck in traffic.” said a ministry spokeswoman “On a slack day, he polishes the ‘Thank you for driving carefully signs’.”
Building on his experience of buggering up the Justice system, Chris Grayling hopes to repeat the trick in Transport, by splitting the M5 into separate parts, Continue reading
Filed under News, Transport
We get confused between GT, GTi, and GiT
Colleagues of Alec Fairchild no longer even look up when, unprompted, he raises vital issues such as his VW Golf’s 0-60 times.
“Did I tell you it’s the GT model?” he asks most days, whilst his co-workers stare fixedly at their computers.
Fairchild, a pub bore from Harold, likes to share the burden of his condition with people at work, who don’t have the option of suddenly remembering an urgent appointment Continue reading
Jacob about to critique the pointing on this Cotswold stone wall
Condescending prick, Jacob Rees-Mogg, probably spoiled yesterday, for you as well as for us, by oiling his way round TV and Radio studios, instead of actually doing the job we pay him for.
As an MP, Rees-Mogg has no set hours or duties so, instead of working on some constituency business, he feels entitled to swan around news and current affairs studios from dawn to dusk.
Early risers heard him on Radio 4’s ‘Today’, whilst it was still dark, both outside your house and inside Rees- Mogg’s heart, and he was still Continue reading
Come and keep your comrade warm
Diplomats were left crossing their fingers today after it emerged that Donald Trump is under the impression that Theresa May is actually a high-class Russian call girl on a visit to cement relations with Moscow.
“We think it’s the coat,” explained the British ambassador in Washington. “We said ‘no Cossack’, but she just does her own thing. It’s not going to be pretty.”
He admitted that May’s opening US speech may have been ill-advised, after she departed slightly from the usual diplomatic protocol and spoke of “Bending over and taking one for my country”.
Trump was in exultant mood today. “Boy, she’s hot!” he tweeted. “Told me she already fucked 64 million people in her own country, my kind of girl!”
“Theresa May? Theresa WILL more like!”
Filed under Politics, Sex
London’s last community-based A&E-style service for people needing emergency dental treatment has closed because fuck you, Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has confirmed.
NHS England’s closure of the “urgent dental service” in Kentish Town will leave the capital’s 8.7 million residents with nowhere to go in an emergency apart from A&Es who do not have dentists, and GPs who are not dentists.
“If you’re poor, you’re a bit fucked, yes,” confirmed Hunt this morning. “The message we’re really trying to get over is ‘fuck you’ if you can’t afford to go private.”
A Conservative party spokesman pointed out that there remained several options for poor families facing urgent dental problems.
“If it’s a broken tooth or something, best get it out quick,” he explained. “In our case studies of actual poor people, we’ve found that tying a bit of string to the bad tooth and the other end to a door handle before vigorously slamming the door is an effective and economic way method of extraction.”
“It works easily one time in three, more if the patient is tied to a bed.”
Filed under Health, idiots
Why protest Trump while there are evil badgers?
The million or so women who took to the streets to protest against Donald Trump should have marched in Saudi Arabia instead because things are even worse there, according to idiots on Facebook.
The protests have arisen from a widespread repugnance at Trump’s racism, aggression and abuse of women, but that doesn’t count because in some other countries they have stoning, idiots argue.
“I think they’ve got a nerve,” announced Steve Goughlin of somewhere in Ohio probably. “Don’t they know that women get badly treated somewhere else? Why aren’t they there? Pussies.”
When it was pointed out to idiots that this meant no-one could ever protest against anything unless they were in the worst situation in the world, idiots disagreed.
“Not just this world!” clarified Goughlin. “Why, according to the many-universes multiverse hypothesis, there’s a planet in some random dimension where all the women are eaten alive by badgers EVERY DAY!”
“And when you ask why these women aren’t protesting there, they just don’t have an answer.”
The tide of history…
New US President Donald Trump has begun the process of undoing any laws he doesn’t agree with, including the Affordable Care Act, same-sex marriage and the incoming tide.
“We want to waste no time getting this proud country back to where it used to be,” explained Trump to an audience of Russian journalists.
“That basically means rolling back anything progressive that’s happened in the last few decades.”
“To illustrate this by means of a giant salty metaphor, I will this afternoon sit on the beach and command the tide not to come in.”
“For too long, ordinary Americans have been forced to watch the tide cover their proud beaches with its briny wetness, well no more. It’s going to stay out until we work out what’s going on.”
“We’re going to build a sea wall, and the ocean is going to pay for this.”
There was some scepticism that Trump would be able to deliver on his tidal manifesto, although some pointed out that if there was anyone the sea would happily avoid, it would be the new President.
As Trump headed off to the beach, his supporters chanted their new slogan: “Yes we CANUTE!”
- Hat tip to Bob Blundell for the sea wall line.
Filed under Nature, Politics
I’m going as Winston Churchill next month
The UK’s embarrassing Foreign Secretary says EU countries are delighted to be pejoratively linked to the second World War.
Having previously got away with comparing EU ambitions with those of Hitler, Boris Johnson has tried out another one by warning the French not to give the UK “punishment beatings” for Brexit “in the manner of some World War Two movie”.
“That’ll be fine.” said the entitled old Etonian, when questioned about the wisdom of such comments with EU goodwill at a premium.
“Johny foreigner love a bit of Boris Banter. Last week I walked into the EU Foreign Affairs meeting with my hands cupped over my eyes. Like this – see, goggles – humming the Dam Busters March. Continue reading
Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has unveiled a radical plan to solve the nation’s hospital bed crisis at a stroke – by making new beds out of piles of the recently deceased.
With most hospitals now facing mile-long queues of critically ill citizens lying in the rain, the time has come to address the chronic bed shortage once and for all. And Hunt, never a stranger to controversy, is convinced he has hit on the solution – “corpse bedding”.
“I was on holiday somewhere nice when it hit me,” Hunt explained to journalists. “Just look at it – what are we short of? Beds. What do we have lots of? Dead bodies!”
“Due to my cold-hearted policies, thousands are dying before they can get urgent treatment. Let’s turn that frown upside down and make it into an opportunity!”
Hunt explained that tests done on a bunch of dead pensioners in Birmingham showed that a pile of six or seven was usually sufficient to make a bed of suitable height. A simple wooden plank on top, and you have a bed that’s already much better than being left dying in a gutter.
“We thought we’d have some trouble with the odd fat one making the piles too big,” he admitted, “But for some reason these dead pensioners tend to be of a standard, very very thin, size. It certainly makes our job easier!”
“All in all,” Hunt confirmed, “The corpse bed thing’s an absolute no-brainer. And I should know.”
“Because I have no brain, you see.”
Filed under Health, Politics
Don’t blame me, I’m not in charge of Jack shit
The BMA has unexpectedly agreed to GP surgeries opening 84 hours a week – just as soon as MPs do the same.
“We were against it, when the PM first raised the idea.” said a BMA spokeswoman “But then we thought, sod it, if the MPs can open theirs 12 hours a day, 7 days a week, we’d go for it too. We were straight on the phone to Jeremy Hunt to let him know.”
“I say Jeremy Hunt; we heard he’d gone home for the weekend, so we left a message for him at the DoH. I say message; they were shut, so we left a voicemail. We haven’t heard back but Continue reading
Filed under Health, Politics
He’s the academic Hunt, rather than the demonic Hunt
A nation’s joy vanished today, as it emerged that it was Labour’s Tristram Hunt who had quit Westminster, not his namesake, the scourge of the NHS, Jeremy.
Up and down the country, shoppers and shopkeepers alike were wreathed in smiles and total strangers greeted one another like long-lost friends, then the gloom descended like a blanket.
“Do you remember watching Felipe Massa’s dad when he thought his son had won the title in 2008, but then found it had gone to Lewis Hamilton?” asked one villager in Harold today. “It was like that, only Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
“I’M NO XENOPHOBE BUT …”
Police say Amber Rudd’s nasty 2016 conference speech is not being treated as a crime because, “Duh. Hello? Because she’s our boss, stupid”.
“No, we’ve recorded it as a hate incident instead” said a West Midlands Police spokesperson “which means no crime investigation, and no interview under caution for our guvnor. Anything else we can help you with? Must go now as I’ve got an appointment with the Home Office to discuss Police pay and conditions.” Continue reading
The last winter was just 12 months ago, who knew there’d be another so soon?
Jeremy Hunt says the current NHS crisis is due to a freak meteorological event, known to scientists as ‘winter’.
The hapless health secretary, floundered around various TV studios yesterday, so that journalists and Piers Morgan could take turns to twat him with facts.
“I, err, don’t want to blind you with science” stammered Mr Hunt “but, ahem … ‘Winter is caused by the axis of the Earth in that hemisphere being oriented away from the Sun ’. Continue reading