A moment of self doubt? No, just thinking about shoes
Ivanka Trump says her father is essentially a feminist, a keen supporter of women’s rights.
“I grew up in a house where there were no barriers to what I could accomplish as a billionaire’s daughter.”
Speaking without apparent irony on women’s entrepreneurship, Ms Trump said she stayed a whole year at her first job after school, before being lucky enough to land a post with the Trump Organization.
“You’ve got to make your own luck in business, because nobody’s going to hand you success on a plate.” Continue reading
He could be deployed at a press conference within 45 minutes
Tony Blair has been interviewed under caution on suspicion of causing harassment, alarm or distress to Radio 4 listeners who, over the weekend, heard him suggest he might return to front line politics.
“The Public OrderAct covers a wide range of anti-social behaviour.” said the Met’s new Commissioner, Cressida Dick. “True, the Act doesn’t actually specify what those behaviours are, however, I can’t think of anything more alarming than the threat of Blair gurning his way into our lives on radio and TV again, with his mock humility and those weird Continue reading
But you’ve gotta ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya punk?
Labour’s new look Jeremy Corbyn is a steely-eyed man; he’s seen his share of trouble but takes no shit. From anyone.
In a departure from his previous gentle style, Corbyn challenged a shadow cabinet rebel today, in forthright terms. “I know what you’re thinking. ‘Did he fire six colleagues or only five?’ Well to tell you the truth in all this excitement I kinda lost track myself. But you’ve gotta ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky? Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
Everyone: “Just stop it, all of you.”
Senior politicians from all parties have demanded that politicians from other parties stop playing politics in the run up to the General Election.
At Prime Ministers question time today, Theresa May told the House that calling the election was essential as “too many Westminster MP’s had deliberately made political points about the details of Brexit”.
Do you take Tesco Clubcard points?
Harold’s fattest man says losing his wages to an algorithm is pretty much the same as living the dream of casinos, fast cars, and Vodka Martinis; whatever they are.
Billy Mckean, star of the harrowing documentary ‘Help, my liver’s the size of a dog’, says that his ‘undercover job’ as a Tesco Express security guard gives him insight into the superficially different worlds of a criminal mastermind breaking the bank at Casino de Monte Carlo and Darren, from Continue reading
Filed under idiots, News, TV
Kelvin MacKenzie, what’s not to like?
The thing you trod in but can’t scrape off your boots however hard you try in human form, Kelvin MacKenzie, has applied the Sun’s equal op’s policy and compared Everton’s Ross Barclay, who has Nigerian heritage, to a gorilla at a zoo.
MacKenzie had been worried that there might yet be some in the city of Liverpool who he hadn’t offended by printing a series of lies about the Hillsborough disaster.
“You know, idiots or those who are both blind and deaf. Maybe someone with severe dementia or in a persistent vegetative Continue reading
Filed under Liverpool, Media
Neil Hamilton is just as honest as he looks
Former Tory, liar and bankrupt, Neil Hamilton, has accused Mark Reckless of being untrustworthy, in the latest round of Abandon SinkingShip-gate.
The disgraced former MP, who left the Tories and is now UKIP leader in Wales, proving that the biggest turds float to the top, has criticised Reckless for leaving UKIP and aligning himself with the Tories.
Reckless had “betrayed the trust” of UKIP supporters said Hamilton, without a trace of irony, or even a knowing wink Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
“This reminds me of a story about Hitler”
Following widespread condemnation of its controversial new advert, Pepsi has bowed to pressure and replaced the ad with one featuring Ken Livingstone.
The cancelled ad featured Kendall Jenner at a protest, and offended many by suggesting that the problem of police brutality could be solved by attractive models waving cans of fizzy drink.
The video has been removed from YouTube and in a statement, the company said: “Pepsi was trying to project a global a message of unity, peace and understanding.”
“Clearly, we missed the mark, and that’s why we’re going to replace it with two minutes of Ken Livingstone talking about Hitler.”
“He’s going to imply that Germany’s Jews and Hitler were on the same side in the 30s, while sipping a refreshing ice-cold Pepsi Max.”
“You can’t get much more unity, peace and understanding than Ken Livingstone, and for payment all he wanted was a WWII German infantry helmet filled with newts.”
[Hold it in, you can do it … no use … too strong … aagh] “HITLER”
Ken Livingstone used the last hours before learning if banging on about Hitler and the Jews would lead to his expulsion from Labour, to bang on about Hitler.
Offered the chance to talk about Brexit, Arsene Wenger’s future at Arsenal, and the Cadburygate scandal, the loveable newt-botherer elected to keep on digging his way downwards, out of the hole in which he’d found himself. Continue reading
Only *something* of the night?
Former Tory leader, Lord Howard has made the world just a little darker (again), by referencing the Falklands war when discussing Gibraltar, but he’s certain the Spanish won’t be offended at all.
“No, it’s fine, trust me. It won’t mean anything to Spain, as they’ve no links to Argentina.” said Howard “Apart from a shared heritage and culture. Oh, and the language, Spanish is it?”
“Most Spaniards won’t have even heard of the Falklands,” Continue reading
Filed under Defence, idiots, War
Policies no longer written in indelible ink.
The government’s latest policy U turn, on testing kids who struggle to fasten their shirt buttons, has come as a shock to teachers, who thought it was all going swimmingly.
“Sats are great” affirmed Harold teaching assistant, Carly Jeffery “they don’t cause stress for schools, staff, children or parents, so I’m wary of dropping them without evidence. But clearly the DfE knows what it’s doing.” Continue reading
Filed under Education, News
Normally charges for autographs, invoice to follow
Donald Trump today held a “historic press conference” as he signed an executive order reversing Barrack Obama’s Verizon cellphone contract set up in October 2016.
Addressing the US media Trump said that Obama’s contract was hugely expensive and accused the former president of using his cellphone to listen to telephone communications of many US leading figures, until it was pointed out by CNN that this was how telephones usually work. Continue reading
“Bigger arseholes? How would that have worked then?”
Nigel Farage, has set the UK a tough puzzle; “How could UKIP possibly have been bigger arseholes over the past few years?”
In the wake of Farage’s claim that UKIP could have been more anti-immigrant, but for the spoilsport Douglas Carswell, the Nation has expelled a massive “WTF?” “I’m a dab hand at crosswords and killer sudoku and once got two questions right on Brain of Britain,” said Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
Carswell leaving leaves UKIP a few nuts short of a fruitcake
Clacton’s worryingly weird MP, Douglas Carswell, a highly principled man who changes party more often than most people do their socks, has abandoned a sinking ship and left UKIP. Which is what Clacton deserves, you’re probably thinking.
“I won’t switch parties, or cross the floor, “said Carswell, who will just stay on as MP for Clacton, without bothering the voters again. “It’s not big money as an MP but more than I’d get elsewhere realistically, so it was a no-brainer.”
“I’ll sit as an independent now,” he explained, before adding “not with all UKIP’s other MPs. Oh no, they haven’t got any …” Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
They say he’ll have your eyes out in a flash. As will the eagle
The naming of an old fossil in honour of David Attenboroug was abandoned today, after it yawned, scratched, and was revealed as Keith Richards, contemplating a difficult guitar riff.
This is just the latest in a series of setbacks for the naming things after Sir David Attenborough industry.
Last year the ‘Dinosaur Attenborosaurus Conybeare’ was found to be Ronnie Wood, taking an unusually long afternoon nap.
A wildflower named Attenborough Hawkweed, Continue reading
The Evening Harold has gained access to the first draft of the Prime Minister’s Article 50-triggering ‘Dear Jean’ letter, reproduced here as a world exclusive.
There is no easy way to say this, but it’s time we split up and went our separate ways.
It’s not you, it’s 52% of me.
I need some time on my own without the worries of ongoing strained relationships with close union countries.
I’d like to remain friends if we can, even better if we could be “friends with benefits” maybe get together regularly in the next few years in order to fuck each other over?
Remember, there are plenty more fish in the sea (as long as you have the correct territorial and correctly ratified multi border EU council fisheries agreement, and you must throw back half of the ones you catch anyway).
Yours as ever in splendid isolation,
Sean Spicer & Nick Griffin, never seen in the same room
Sean Spicer’s less intelligent dodgy uncle look-alike, Nick Griffin, plans to inflict himself on the unsuspecting Hungarians later this year.
Griffin spoke in glowing terms of the growing ”nationalist emigre community” in Hungary, where he’ll move to later this year. He will continue to be politically active though, campaigning for less immigration and stronger national borders.
Laws of quantum physics were suspended yesterday, as Oxford English Dictionaries failed to fit this proposition into Einsteins general theory of relativity. Continue reading
“Oh and skiing, I love skiing too”
Prince William says he doesn’t have to do any work at all if he doesn’t feel like it.
“I’m second in line to the throne, do you see?” He explained to a meeting of Fleet Street editors today. “That’s how it is with a monarchy, I was sure you’d all know.”
“Didn’t any of you study British Constitution at school? I was going to take it at A level but learned all I needed to know at GCSE. It was brilliant, my favourite subject.”
“The thing is” the Prince went on Continue reading
Oh oh. More words on a bloody bus
Are you the beneficiary of dodgy general election accounting practice?
Maybe you’re now an MP, who wouldn’t be if you’d stuck to the rules.
If so, then your £76,000 MP salary might be just what your party needs to meet an unexpected bill.
Still smarting from Wednesday’s budget reversing, the Tories have to stump up for an Electoral Commission fine of £70,000, after fiddling the figures in the last General Election and are asking for donations from anyone who might have benefitted from their underhand behaviour and “unreasonable uncooperative conduct”.
Please send cash, cheques, postal orders, or negotiable bonds to: Sir Mick Davis, Treasurer, Conservative Party, PO Box 123, George Town, Cayman Islands