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At Leicester Cathedral today, Elton John will play yet another version of ‘Candle in the wind’.
“Funnily enough” said the Cabbage Patch doll of Pop “it debuted at Richard III’s first funeral and Bernie agreed we should wheel it out again for this one.”
A local from Harold is hoping to emulate the success of Richard III’s bone tour, using the remains of his once-missing gran.
Phil Evans, a farmer from a long line of dead people, claims to have discovered the remains of Evie Evans in a shallow grave behind his silage tanks.
“She’s all there”, revealed Evans. “And in surprisingly good condition, considering she must have buried herself after stamping on her own head around 2 years ago.”
Alive Evans and Deceased Evans have already begun their tour, on the top deck of the Number 63 bus. Using a ceremonial bus pass once thought to have belonged to the thin one, the couple were commented on all the way to Dunstable and back.
PC Flegg admitted she wasn’t sure if the tour was illegal, although she’s asked Phil Evans to stop claiming Evie’s state pension.
“A large IC1 male and a really skinny girl one were questioned by officers, but released after no sense could be made”, explained Flegg.
“We would encourage the public to refrain from making public transport smell any worse than normal, but on the positive side, that’s another missing person I can take off our records.”
Artist’s impression of how King Richard III might have looked
Analysis of DNA from Richard III has allowed researchers to establish with greater confidence than ever what the Plantagenet king actually looked like, it was revealed today.
Far from being the hunchbacked dark-haired figure of legend, it is now believed that the King in fact had “reddy-brown” hair, and walked with the upright gait typical of, say, a household cavalry officer in the British Army.
“Richard III has traditionally been seen as this evil stooped man who would imprison Princes in the Tower of London,” explained one researcher, “But our testing indicates that he would be far more likely to have attended the Royal Military Academy at Sandhurst, been commissioned into the Life Guards as a second lieutenant and eventually to have been promoted to captain. After serving as a tank commander in the Gulf he probably retired from the British Army and opened a golf driving range, that sort of thing.”
When asked if there were any implications for the current Royal Family’s claim to the throne or the order of succession, the researcher coughed slightly and muttered something that sounded like: “Well, they might have to skip one”.
The long running legal dispute over the remains of Richard III has been resolved with his bones being shared between dog homes located in Leicester and York.
Vikki, 19, with the axe
Building work on a new development of twelve badly-needed speculator starter homes was brought to a halt yesterday after an ancient axe was found at the site of the old West Station in the village of Harold.
Contractors initially thought they had made a find to match the discovery of Richard III’s skeleton under a Leicester car park and called in archaeologists, but the find was found to date back only 50 years to when the infamous Dr Beeching was putting the finishing touches to his destruction of Britain’s railway branch lines.