Note to self: don’t clap your own jokes.
A list of pre-prepared notes has been found in Ed Miliband’s dressing room, following the TV debates. The Evening Harold can exclusively publish them in full.
My mother-in-law is so fat, she qualifies for a free flu jab and disability allowance. Quite right too, it’s a serious condition.
A welsh woman, a scots woman and a hungarian go into a bar. They form a coalition to keep the tories out.
Mr Miliband insists he is a valued member of the team, despite spending 98% of his time in a box.
Following an application under the Freedom of Information Act, the Evening Harold has discovered that Labour leader Ed Miliband is employed on a ‘zero hours’ contract.
Despite ostensibly having a proper job that excludes him from claiming benefits, data shows that the MP for Doncaster North has done less than 35 minutes paid work in the last 3 years.
“It’s not ideal, but I have a strong work ethic”, insisted Miliband. “I’m prepared to do what it takes to stay on the job ladder. Obviously, it would be nice to feel wanted and to have something to say, but I must emphasise: for those 35 minutes, I was fully committed to leading an effective opposition.”