And cue human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together… mass hysteria
Local priest, Rev Tansy Forster, has warned villagers that today’s solar eclipse is a sign that God just can’t be having with straight marriage.
“It’s abhorrent,” Rev Forster told us. “Look at the world: think of the stress and the debt fuelled by heterosexual couplings. And, worse, think of all the terrible pop songs. Today’s eclipse and the fact that it coincides with the Super Moon and Spring Equinox is a clear sign from the Almighty that these are the end times.” Continue reading
‘Till death do us part …
Afton Elaine Burton, the 26 year old who has just married ritualistic mass murderer Charles Manson, has filed for divorce just hours after learning that the brutal killer had unexpectedly passed a parole board hearing and the octogenarian texted her saying how much he was looking forward to consummating their marriage.
Burton, who runs a website protesting the innocence of America’s most notorious serial killer, has denied that the wedding had been an elaborate publicity stunt which had gone horribly wrong.
“The fact that my Charlie will soon be at liberty and no longer safely locked away is nothing to do with my decision to seek a divorce,” she said defiantly.
It’s the little details that shows the maker had given up caring.
Kyle Hostage hated his wife, and spent every waking hour in his shed making a ‘model village’. But in an act of painstaking passive-aggressive carpentry, Mr Hostage made sure it was a disappointing, shit village; a simile for his empty life and hollow marriage.
“I could have had an affair, I suppose”, Mr Hostage told us last year. “But you know where you are with tiny, wooden people, even if their faces are lopsided and painted on the wrong side of their heads. Some of them have two faces, actually”, Hostage said. “Especially the small woman I put in our bedroom. I hewed that one from dogwood.”
Opposite, Hostage carved a sad man in a shed, holding binoculars made from tootpaste caps. And on his tiny face he placed miniscule tears, which he’d painstakingly wittled from real ones.The bite marks in the head tell their own story.
Lula-Belle is currently on vacation in the Maldives.
After the death of local businessman Brendon McDonald in March of this year, many villagers assumed that his estate would bequeath the bulk of Mr McDonald’s wealth to his son and daughter-in-law, but details of his will published today tell a very different story.
In his will, Mr McDonald repeatedly refers to his daughter-in-law of 36 years as ‘A gold digging tart’, who, he claimed, ‘only married my feckless, gullible son for his future wealth’. Close friends of McDonald confirm that he died unshaken in his belief that his son’s wife was little more than a cheap floozie who had nothing better to do in life that wait for her husband’s inheritance.