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As Labour continue to have an awfully big adventure in Brighton local inventors Dr Rachel Goody and Dr John Guest have announced that they’ve created the Perfect Conference Attendee.
“Through genetic mutation we’ve managed to change ordinary humans into beings that look smart, can only cheer and have five sets of hands in order to easily generate thunderous applause,” said Dr Goody.
The PCAs also possess reinforced legs as well as the stamina to give five hour standing ovations however their inventors are still tinkering.
“We won’t be finished until our PCAs have no ability to think,” said Dr Guest. “Then they’ll be ready for Ukip.”
The government has announced it is to push ahead with plain, dull and boring packaging for cigarettes after a decade long trial on party leaders.
“Back in the day when everyone was consuming politics it was easy to tell the difference between the main brands,” Public Health Minister Jane Ellison said.
“So over the last ten or so years we have been trying out the theory of ‘plain packaging’ of the party leaders, and the results are conclusive. Continue reading
Nick Clegg’s radio phone-in programme ‘Call Clegg’ on LBC is to go ‘late night’ before the general election the Lib Dem leader announced. Babestation are favourite to host the show.
“I’ve not watched Babestation but it can’t be that different,” Clegg explained. “From my understanding I just need to speak to callers on a phone whilst on a webcam.
“I’ve been warned that occasionally I may be asked to make things go tits up but if I’m honest, that a speciality of mine.”
With Nick Clegg’s announcement that school meals will be free for children between the ages of 5 and 7, parents are bracing themselves for a £900 per term ‘nutrition fee’.
“We are used to the Lib Dems promising things for free for students,” one parent told us, “and because of his previous promises we are starting to save now for when he dramatically increases the cost of free school meals.”
Filed under News, Politics