If only they could meet in the middle.
Glasgow could tackle its current health crisis by dropping an ‘either/or’ approach to heroin and yellow food that comes from the chip shop.
That’s the claim of a dietician who is trying to find out why so many Glaswegians are morbidly obese, despite the widespread availability of skag.
“I visited the morgue and was quietly poking a fat corpse when someone told me that the city was awash with diacetylmorphine”, said Dr Charlotte Bainbrough.
“At first I thought ‘Does that mean heroin is fattening?’ but then remembered it probably wasn’t. Could the problem be a lack of dietary balance?”
Take twice before meals
Whilst Durham’s Police and Crime Commissioner is assessing drug consumption rooms, where addicts may safely inject, Boris Johnson thinks their remit might be extended to include pies.
London’s Mayor has studied a summary of a half-page article about research in Denmark, where they already run drug rooms and he believes the model might work here too.
Johnson says the experiment in Copenhagen has helped clean up streets from take-away food wrappers.
“Gluttons are good for business and good for London, in the same way as compulsive gamblers and alcoholics. But we want gluttons to access pies in a safe environment so they’re not committing crimes against decency; say munching a pasty in the dole queue without using a serviette, then dropping the greasy bag on the floor.”