The 2016 Grand National at Aintree ended in a triumphant victory for Tesco’s processed meat department, after the majority of meaty contenders ended up swiftly converted into delicious burger and spaghetti meals.
Following last year’s controversy surrounding the use of horse meat in Tesco products, the supermarket refocussed its marketing spend on an aggressively healthy image, in which an active lifestyle is key.
To this end, Tesco is now keen to emphasise the sporting credentials of its meat sources, especially the man-eat-horse world of National Hunt racing over jumps. Especially races like the Grand National, where most horses die for our sporting pleasure like innocents thrown to lions in a Roman arena, only with more barbecue sauce.
This year’s Grand National saw a convincing victory for the highly-fancied Spicy Meatball (by Nugget out of Burger), with second place going to the much-improved Cottage Pie, who previously struggled over the fences.
Pippa Middleton’s arse: we shall not see its like again
There were sad scenes at Aintree today as the Grand National claimed another victim. Unusually the tragedy did not take place at Beechers Brook but in the Royal Enclosure when Pippa Middleton who was wearing stylish but vertiginous high heels, took a tumble and broke her left buttock.
Senior Royals looked on dispassionately while race officials quickly erected a tarpaulin screen around Ms Middleton and she was swiftly and humanely dispatched.
Concerns for the safety of the horses running in today’s Grand National have been heightened by a last-minute change to the course, namely the addition of the controversial new “Level Crossing” fence.
The fence, which animal rights campaigners are calling ‘a timebomb waiting to happen’, consists of the seemingly trivial obstacle of a pair of standard-gauge British railway track rails, complete with sleepers and light ballast. More contentious, however, is the fact that at random intervals a 240-ton Class 31 diesel locomotive express train will use said track to thunder across the racecourse without any warning, instantly killing anything in its path.
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Grand National 2013 – your guide to the runners and riders, from the Evening Harold’s own racing correspondent!
This year looks like being the most open Grand National for a while, with a mixture of sad puns and frankly disgusting rudeness battling it out over the famous 84 furlongs. But who to bet on? Well, that’s the whole bloody point, isn’t it? So let’s meet the horses.
Jockey: P. Yaffle
Sure to win “Best Turned Out”, but does the 43 year old filly still have what it takes to go the distance? No.
Odds: Gabriel the Toad
Our verdict: Mouse organ