Down the toilet
The American public has woken up with the bastard hangover from hell, and is pretty sure it did something badly wrong yesterday.
Emerging shakily from the nation’s bathrooms into a world that seems nauseatingly harsh and unfriendly, Americans are trying to shake off the nagging suspicion that something they did was really really stupid and is bound to have been noticed by other peoples.
“When I woke up, I had my face down the toilet, which I can’t help suspecting is a metaphor for something,” explained George Zip from Ohio.
“I had all the classic signs – feelings of shame, a throbbing head, shame.”
“Did I say ‘shame’? Oh God, the shame!”
“I staggered outside, and had that real strange feeling that people were looking at me funny – women, black, Hispanic people, all looking at my like I’d done some really really dumb thing.”
Another person of no fixed address is spotted.
Members of the EC have called an emergency search and rescue meeting, to look for some safe moral highground.
Reputations have been dashed like a small dinghy against a rescue ship, but so far, no-one else has been found responsible for the deaths of hundreds of refugees.
“We thought of blaming the victims, but that didn’t go down well at all”, said Jean-Claude Juncker. “So now we’re hoping to target the people smugglers.”
“But they insist they are only responding to market forces and that someone else created the demand in the first place. And quite frankly, that’s outside of our remit.”
Filed under News, Politics
End of days…
New York emergency services have warned that the city faces the ‘greatest human disaster in living memory’ after singer Morrissey announced plans to play a gig supported by aged crooner Cliff Richard.
“We’ve faced financial catastrophe and extreme climate,” warned New York City Police Commissioner William Bratton. “But I don’t think this city has ever faced a looming depression of the magnitude of a Cliff/Morrissey event.”
Panicking locals are asking why this once-in-a-lifetime disaster had to happen in their city, but experts are unable to agree on a cause, beyond terrible bad luck, and Northern whimsy.