“Please, please let Harrison Ford be still cool”
Following the news that cinemas have banned a new advertisement for the Lord’s Prayer, Lucasfilm has has said it is “disappointed and bewildered” by the refusal of UK churches to screen the new Star Wars film.
Director J. J. Abrams called the decision “plain silly” and warned it could have a “chilling” effect on his pay check.
“In what is thankfully still a Star Wars-worshipping country, it seems perverse not to allow churchgoers to enjoy the movie during their spare time at the pew,” he insisted. “We’d turn the volume down a bit while the vicar was actually talking, so it wouldn’t get in the way at all.”
It had been hoped the film would be screened UK-wide in the middle of Christmas services, instead of the boring bit where they usually have kids holding candles and singing, but in a statement, the Church of England said it had a policy of not showing Star Wars movies in its places of worship.
“Not because of any risk of offending people,” a spokesperson explained, “It’s just that the last three were bollocks.”
Star Wars fans immediately condemned the decision, many pointing out that this year’s traditional all-night Easter Vigil at Westminster Abbey included a triple-header of all three Hobbit films, even though the last one was a bit crap.
Reports that this was because the Archbishop of Canterbury likes to take the robes home and play at being Gandalf could not be confirmed.
Filed under Movies, Religion
Radicalised youngsters unable to resist temptation
A local parish church has been slammed for a ‘blatant attack’ on Islam after deciding to hold their annual fete during the month of Ramadan.
Professor Luke Thorne, chair of the Easily Offended on Behalf of Others Society said “I was astounded when I was told Harold parish church was holding their fete, complete with a barbeque and cake stall, during a period of religious observance when the consumption of food is not permitted during the hours of daylight.” Continue reading
Filed under News, Religion
The fashion-challenged are also warmly embraced
The Church of England has banned clergy from being members of the BNP or the National Front however it was quick to reassure its priests that other forms of bigotry are still absolutely fine. Continue reading
Welby thought it best not to bring his ceremonial crook, or Earl as he is known
As you would expect, the meeting of the Churches first credit union meeting in Harold created a huge amount of interest.
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No such thing as a non-deductable lunch
Villagers are celebrating the first green shoots of a local economic recovery, with Harold’s Save & Prosper (HS&P) being discharged from ‘financial convalescence’ on 1st August, well ahead of poorly managed national money-pits like Lloyds & RBS.
“George Osborne would do well to take a leaf out of Harold’s book”, said Rev Tansy Forster, “we’re even one step ahead of Archbishop Welby on community financing initiatives.”
In line with the Archbishop’s new stance on money lenders suddenly being ‘a good thing’, the Credit Union will make affordable money available to anyone who wants it. “Although in line with a more general church policy, that will exclude women, homosexuals and people who have had credit before”, said Forster.