Cycling inside a bus ‘even safer than stabilisers’
In response to a shocking rise in accidents involving bicycles, a road safety group is urging commuters to do their cycling ‘inside a bus’.
“Cycling is undoubtedly the best way to get to work”, claimed Polly Harvey of campaign group ‘Two Wheels Good’. “There’s no other way of arriving all sweaty and self-righteous, and with your genitalia accentuated in lycra.”
Harvey insists that with a few simple modifications cyclists will not only be able to clutter up bus lanes, but also buses. “With a bit of effort, a half-decent bike can be lugged up to the top deck. Once there you can pedal up and down the aisle, making commuting safer for nearly everyone.”
High Speed Bus 2 ‘fucking stupid’ claim residents
People in Harold have raised several objections to a high-speed bus route that will pass through the village.
‘High Speed Bus 2’ is intended to be a replacement for the original HSB, which was written off after supposedly sliding on discarded kebab meat. Remnants of that project can still be seen in a ditch just outside Harold, the coachwork heavily peppered with buck shot. Accident investigators are still divided on the incident.
“Harold doesn’t need a slightly faster bus service”, insisted Councillor Ron Ronsson. “Particularly as the bloody thing won’t even stop here.” Connecting the hamlet of Felching to the bus depot in Dunstable, Ronsson claims the case for a 3,000 horsepower bus is yet to be made.
It’s quite sad, really
Village Goth Josh Fenning has welcomed plans by the police to start recording the many, many crimes committed against him.
Fenning claims to be the victim of a sustained campaign by ‘shadowy elements’ in Harold, including ‘the mood in the pub’, his broadband provider and ‘whoever keeps leaving him milk’.
“Barely a day goes by when Fenning doesn’t come and report some perceived crime against him”, said PC Anita Flegg. “I suppose officially, I ought to start writing them down.”