A new plant-based burger that realistically “bleeds” will come fitted with remarkably tasty mock scabs, it was revealed today.
The “Beyond Burger”, which is to make its hotly-anticipated UK retail debut in Tesco on Monday, is entirely meat-free, but will ooze with authentic-looking “blood” made from beetroot juice.
The faux-beef is believed to be very realistic, but true meat lovers had expressed concern that while the feeling of warm red juice blood dripping down your chin might be fine and dandy, the real bloody experience would be incomplete without some good old fashioned scabbing to pick off and enjoy between courses.
From their high-security 100% vegan laboratory and abattoir, the inventors of the burger were reluctant to delve into the more gristly aspects of their entirely plant-derived product.
“These burgers are a miracle of modern vegan engineering,” insisted Chief Executive Matt Butcher, in a press conference with his business partner S. W. Eenytodd.
“Of course, we can’t go into exactly how the vegetable protein is reconfigured into the convincingly plausible meaty lumps, but customers should rest assured that the occasional presence of a finger nail or apparently human anus is just part of our patent plant refining system.”
“Any of our vegan customers who have any doubts about the process are more than welcome to bring their concerns to our warehouse floor, where they will be swiftly processed.”
Twists and turns
Local amateur chromosome-enthusiast Brian Aubrey, whose father and grandfather both took a keen interest in genetics, has concluded that the driving force behind their common pastime must be in his DNA.
His hypothesis was published in this month’s edition of Naturist World.
“For editorial reasons, they changed the title to ‘DNA: The Bare Facts’ and preferred to illustrate the article with a photo of some rather healthy-looking women playing volley ball on a beach in Spain, which they said was more interesting than my diagram showing the distribution of chromosomes in a double helix.”
“The problem is finding an outlet for your research. It’s a highly competitive business and sometimes it’s necessary to resort to click-bait tactics to get your message out there.”
Pretty straight guy
Prince of Darkness and Supreme Evil Being Tony Blair has insisted that the West should again go to war in Iraq to provide him with a supply of the fresh blood of the innocents which he needs to retain his youth and immortality.
Commentators from across the political spectrum have denounced the returning of troops to the country as absolute insanity, but Blair is adamant that a resumption of conflict is the only way he he will be able to gorge on the human blood he so desperately craves.
“Look, I’m a pretty straight guy,” he explained to reporters this morning. “And, you know, my blood lust shall be sated. Great.”